A random Monday in December. Here’s what I’m listening to, from my Sadness playlist on Spotify.
Black, Pearl Jam
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why
Why
Why can't it be
Why can't it be mine
Whiskey and You, Chris Stapleton
Come tomorrow, I can walk in any store
It ain't a problem, they'll always sell me more
But your forgiveness
Well, that's somethin' I can't buy
There ain't a thing that I can do
That's the difference between whiskey and you
The Reason, Hoobastank
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
Please Remember Me, Tim McGraw
Remember me when you're out walkin'
When snow falls high outside your door
Late at night when you're not sleepin'
And moonlight falls across your floor
When I can't hurt you anymore
Someone You Loved, Lewis Capaldi
I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you
Now, I need somebody to know
Somebody to heal
Somebody to have
Just to know how it feels
It's easy to say but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape
The Trouble With Wanting, Joy Williams
If I can't have the cake
And I can't eat it too
I guess the sound of your voice and the ache
It'll just have to do
Lifetime, Three Days Grace
You showed me the way when I was lost and alone
But you never really showed me how to let you go
Whiskey Lullaby, Alison Krauss, Brad Paisley
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
Something to Remind You, Staind
So this is it
I say goodbye
To this chapter of my ever-changing life
And there's mistakes
The path was long
And I'm sure I'll answer for them when I'm gone
When I'm gone
More from “Wrestling With Myself”
Somewhere in the Middle
If you chart my journey with religion over the 50-plus years I’ve been riding this planet as it makes its way repetitively around the sun, it’s a lot less smooth than the orbit we take.…
Invisible
Today at lunch I did what I do when I am eating lunch at work, not because I want to but because I have no option for what I’d really like. I left my desk,…
The Pain of Solitude
Over the past few years, I have learned better self-regulation of my emotions, which are never not intense. Happiness, sadness, anger, fear, jealousy, grief … whatever it is, when I feel it, I feel it…
Too Loud, Too Fast
Technically speaking, the driver of the white pickup truck didn’t do anything illegal. Hell, he didn’t even do anything that wrong. Did he pull out from the cross street with my car closer to his…
Missing Jacob … Still
I was barely 26 years old the day I had to pick out a burial site for my yet-to-be born son. It would have been irresponsible not to. In the time between the late August…
99 Days: One Year Left – Day 10
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: What does “home” mean to you emotionally, physically, and mentally? The Deets: What do you…
Surgery, Soft Foods & Sumo
It’s been more than a month since I’ve written anything on this site. I guess I just needed a break from living my life so publicly, which is laughable when you consider how few people…
99 Days: One Year Left – Day 10
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: If you only had a year left to live, how would your focus change? The…
99 Days: Minimum Wage Job – Day 9
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: Try this thought experiment about work … The Deets: If you had all the money…
99 Days: Life Paths – Day 8
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: Take time to consider the career, relationship, and life paths you didn’t take. The Deets:…
99 Days: Traits I Love – Day 7
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: Consider the traits you love the most. The Deets: If you could keep just five…
99 Days: Inner Child – Day 6
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: Write a letter to your inner child. The Deets: What would you have wanted someone…
99 Days: True Self – Day 5
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: Get clear on the environments and circumstances where your truest self is the most comfortable.…
99 Days: Boundaries – Day 4
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: Identify your hard-set boundaries The Deets: What are five things you’re willing to be disliked…
99 Days: 10 and 90 – Day 3
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: Write a script between your past 10-year-old self and your future 90-year-old self. The Deets:…
99 Days: Tree – Day 2
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Day 1: Day in the Life, 2034 Today’s Assignment: Pick a type of tree you feel most…
99 Days: Day in the Life, 2034 – Day 1
This is part of a series of self-discovery blogs inspired by The Good Trade’s “99 Exercises for Self-Discovery.” Today’s Assignment: Imagine a day in your life 10 years from today. The Deets: This dreaming exercise…
The Death of Dreams
Dreams die hard. This, I have learned in all these trips around the sun. I’m not talking about the types of dreams that come at night, though, for me, some of those are so strong…
Loneliness and Safety
I find myself alone a lot, even when I’m not. This isn’t a new phenomenon, though it is new to my attention. I’ve just turned 50, and that seemed as good a time as any…
Disconnecting
I think I’m in the process of disconnecting. Earlier this week, I logged out of Facebook and Instagram. I deleted all social apps from my phone. I’m not sure, but I don’t think I’ll ever…
Wearing It
I was introduced to the concept of Wearing It through my now 14-year-old son and his Little League mates. When a batter is at the plate and he dives out of the way of a…
Eternal Sunshine, 20 Years Later
I have been told that I tend to romanticize romance and, thus, have an unrealistic view on how romance actually works. And to be fair, if this is true, I come by it honestly. I…
Struggling With the Default State
The human brain is fascinating in its complexity and should serve as an instrument through which we are humbled, considering how little we understand about it. Let me explain this by talking about a worm.…
The Irony of My New Employer
“Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya’ think?’ Alanis Morisette Forget for a second the fact that Alanis had a rather loose hold on the definition of the word “Irony” when she penned the lyrics to her…
When Can I Be Done?
I ask a lot of questions. I’ve always asked a lot of question. If there was a prototypical annoying 3-year-old who wanted to know the “Why?” of everything, just look at a picture of 3-year-old…
The Lonely Have The Answer
Evolutionarily speaking, the feelings we hate the most are good for us. Take fear. Fear sucks, right? But fear also biochemically gets your body ready to fight or flee, and from a survival standpoint, that’s…
Grief, Twenty-Three Years Later …
As a society, we don’t like messy grief. We make movies and write books about people whose grief is nice and neat and tidy and, most of all, purposeful. Dignified. Proper. But messy grief –…
Toxic Sacrifice
It makes sense that, traditionally speaking, men raised in the United States build their life around sacrifice. It’s a deeply embedded part of our culture. As a historically Christian-dominant nation, we are raised with a…
When Old Things Don’t Fit
Most of us are familiar with how it feels when we find an old article of clothing in the back of our closet and make the mistake of trying it on. Bodies change. Styles change.…
The Significant Things
Oh, to know The Significant Things as they happen That the casual “hello” is the first word you are speaking to your forever love. The handshake is an introduction to the person who will most…
Hard
So much of this world is hard. By that, I don’t mean “difficult,” though yes, it is that, too. What I mean by “hard” is the opposite of “soft.” I’m talking about the kind of…
Sixteen Notebooks
It was the afternoon of Sept. 26, 2015, and I’d just returned home from a short stay in a psychiatric hospital. The pace of life in a psychiatric hospital is glacial. Days stretch on endlessly,…
Thirty Years in Hell: My Mental Health Story
This is a story I share with great hesitancy. I have felt the bitter sting of discrimination for having a brain illness, discrimination no one experiences when they have a problem with a different, better…
Scars
I’ve long held a fascination with scars — both my own and other people’s. Scars hold stories. Not many people get a scar from something they don’t remember. I remember being fascinated in middle school…
What Healing Looks Like
Healing isn’t for the faint of heart. Not if it’s genuine. Not if you delve deep into the core where all that is ugly and wicked and broken has had time to take root and…
Since Then
Since Then … Every morning holds that moment Every mile, a reminder Every night sighs a silent prayer Since Then … The music tends to a hurting heart Harmonizing with the memories of what was…
I’m Doing Alright, But …
The drive home last night was a bit rough, which wasn’t entirely surprising. I’ve been around a lot of people the past few days, hadn’t slept past 4:30 a.m. for four or five days, and,…
The Inside Story of Johnny Boy Marketing
Big things happen in odd places and at the strangest times. I met my future wife in the basement of a dingy college residence hall. The biggest boost to my career came when I had…
A Human Paradox
One of the great paradoxes COVID revealed in the human animal is how much we need each other while we simultaneously can’t stand to be around each other for long periods of time. Stay-at-home orders…
Soul Comforts
Soul Comforts A just-because gift An accidental nap Shared fries A hidden note, found A joined passion A soft hand Communicated desires A hug, freely given A safe landing place A secluded table Memory-filled songs…
Searching For The Sweet Spot
I believe there’s a sweet spot in life. It’s that space in which everything just feels balanced. There’s not too much work or too little play, the calendar is just full enough, your friends and…
Anybody Out There?
My wife and son are going out of town for the week starting tomorrow afternoon, and I have absolutely no one I can call to do anything with. No one. Nobody. If I put in…
The Night I Died
I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately. The reasons are varied and scattered. Part of it is how much death there is around me. Well, maybe not around me personally. But more than 1,000,000…
The Danger of Self-Censorship
There’s been a lot of talk in my area lately about banning books. I love this. Oh, it’s not because I think that banning books is such a good idea. It’s not. Nor is blindly…
Welcome Back, Swagger
There was a time in my life when I had swagger. I was never the most popular or athletic kid in school, but for a while there, I was a really good baseball player. I…
Dear World, Seriously … WTF?
Dear World, Hey there. It’s me. John. John who? Yeah, I thought you might say that. It has been a day. It has been a week. Hell, world … it has been a life. Oh.…
A Life Devoid of Friends
I remember well the late night and early morning hours following my senior prom. I was with my classmates on a yacht/ferry/boat slowly circling New York City. I and my girlfriend of roughly a year…
Livin’ The Empath Life
I was in my 40s by the time I realized the average person doesn’t feel things like I do — not even close. Up until then, I always just assumed that when people were around…
Dreams
Insomnia sucks. Period. Full Stop. But… The benefit of sleeping extremely poorly for about four months after Longhaul Covid turned my already bad sleep situation into one that was slowly killing me was that I…
James Might Have Killed His Dad
James was one of the first people I met when we moved from the frozen tundra of south-central Minnesota to the ruralist of rural Missouri in 2009. We signed up my older son, Joey, for…
So Many Damn Feelings — Oct. 22, 2021
👇 What’s Below 👇On Men and Crying 😭 Why I write ✍🏻Back Crackin’ 👨⚕️ So here’s a thing I sometimes hate about myself: I cry. Like, easily. And often. Or at least it’s “often” in comparison to…
Infant Loss Awareness — Oct. 15, 2021
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and even almost 21 years later, I’m not sure how I feel about it. So much of time is arbitrary. We screw it up so badly that…
Fourth State of Being — Oct. 14, 2021
There’s this state of being that’s not quite asleep, not quite dreaming but definitely not awake. That’s where I found myself Thursday evening at Livin’ Sublime Wellness, my little yoga studio in Wentzville. Restorative yoga…
Rocks > People? — Sept. 16, 2021
In high school, I was friends with a girl named Denise. She and I were both free-spirited creative types who liked to write. For a time, we served as co-presidents of the formed-by-us creative writing…
Why Exactly Am I Here? — Sept. 4, 2021
Sometimes Things Be That Way There are some days that, when night falls and you take stock of all that happened, you just say — or at least think — “Well good goddamn. What the…
An Emotional Day – Aug. 29, 2021
Believing in Myself So here’s the thing: I have amazing intuition. Believe what you want about humans having only five senses. We don’t. We have more. And for me, one of my strongest senses is…
Leave a Reply