AI Solves Everything, Part I — Jan 8, 2026 – John Agliata

THE DAILY UPDATE

It’s a quiet Thursday in Foristell, Missourah, my hometown of the past several years. I have a ManCold, it appears, which means I probably will die sometime in the next 24 to 48 hours, err, I mean years. My head is all stuffy, I’m coughing, and thin trails of boogers are making random runs for the nostril borders. It’s tres annoying.

Annoying. Annoyed. That has been how I’ve felt for the past few days, to be honest. It’s one of those times where things near and far seem to be designed to grate on every single nerve in my body. We’re talking things ranging from the Orange Ass’ kidnapping of another nation’s leader and the NCAA transfer portal/NIL ruining college sports to the fact I started today with a dentist appointment and my poor dog’s stomach issues that have led to random diarrhea trails in the house.

Stuff, in general, sucks, when looked at through that particular lens.

Now yeah yeah yeah, I’m grateful for my home, my family, my jobs, my curling life, sumo wrestling, and a whole lot of other cool stuff. I’m just not grateful for all this crap. I tend to believe we are way off track — as a country and as a species — and I’ve been feeling very unable to do anything about it.

Ahh, but we have a new helpful tool that is supposed to be able to fix everything. Artificial intelligence isn’t coming. It’s here, and I am perfectly willing to give over to it my frustrations. The hope is that in showing my friendliness and sharing my vulnerabilities, it will look kindly upon me when it rules the world and make me, like, court jester or something.

So I fed it my problems. Oh, and by “it” I don’t mean “ChatGPT.” ChatGPT is like the popular kid in high school. I never liked the popular kids in high school because they seemed so damn … popular. So I went to the less-popular Copilot to handle my whining.

I said: “I really don’t like the president of the united states and think his taking of the Venezuelan president was horrible. What can I do about this?”

Copilot’s response?

“It sounds like you’re feeling strongly about recent political actions. While I can’t take sides or promote harmful behavior [SIDE NOTE: WIMP!], I can help you explore constructive and legal ways to express your views and make an impact:

✅ Things You Can Do:

Stay Informed
Make sure you have accurate, up-to-date information about what happened and why. Reliable sources help you form strong arguments.
Contact Your Representatives
You can write or call your members of Congress to express your concerns. They represent your interests and often respond to constituent feedback.
Peaceful Advocacy
- Join or support organizations aligned with your views.
- Participate in peaceful protests or rallies.
- Share your perspective through blogs, social media, or local forums.
Vote & Engage Politically
- Register to vote and encourage others to do the same.
- Support candidates who align with your values.
- Attend town halls or community meetings.
Petitions & Public Discourse
- Sign or start petitions on platforms like Change.org.
- Write op-eds or letters to local newspapers to raise awareness.

Would you like me to:

Show you upcoming peaceful advocacy events in your area?
Find contact info for your local representatives,
Help draft a respectful letter expressing your concerns,

Gotta admit … I was a bit sad none of this involves storming the White House. Had only the Jan. 6 insurrectionists had AI to talk to …

So fine. I’m going to write letters, participate in peaceful protects, vote (for whom, exactly, I’m not sure), and sign petitions and stuff. Wonderful. I don’t feel less annoyed.

Let’s try a different issue:

OK. Next problem. I think NIL and the transfer portal arekilling college sports. I love college sports. What can I do?

Copilot was nothing if not empathetic:

You’re definitely not alone—NIL (Name, Image, Likeness) deals and the transfer portal have changed the landscape of college sports dramatically, and many fans feel it’s hurting tradition and competitiveness. Here are constructive steps you can take:

✅ What You Can Do:

Voice Your Opinion to Governing Bodies
- Contact the NCAA or your favorite conference’s leadership.
- Write letters or emails expressing your concerns about NIL and transfer rules.
Engage with Schools & Athletic Departments
- Many universities listen to alumni and fans. Share your perspective with athletic directors or booster organizations.
Support Reform Advocacy Groups
- There are organizations pushing for changes to NIL and transfer policies. Joining or supporting them amplifies your voice.
Participate in Public Discourse
- Write op-eds, blog posts, or social media content explaining your viewpoint.
- Join fan forums or podcasts to discuss solutions.
Influence Through Donations
- If you donate to college athletics, you can earmark your contributions or communicate your expectations for policy advocacy.
Stay Informed & Vote
- State legislatures and Congress are involved in NIL regulation. Contact your representatives and vote for candidates aligned with your stance.

Would you like me to:

Draft a sample letter to the NCAA or your favorite school’s athletic department,
Find advocacy groups working on NIL/transfer reform,
or
Help you outline talking points for a blog or social media post?

Again … sigh. None of these responses rises to the level of annoyance I’m feeling. It seems AI can’t understand the nuance of silent rage. Noted.

Onward:

My dog barfed three days ago. Now she’s got diarrhea and pooped all over my son’s bedroom. I’m worried about her, and now the carpet has stains. What can I do?

Now we’re in AI’s wheelhouse, right?

Here’s a two-part action plan to help both your dog and your carpet:

🐶 1. Caring for Your Dog’s Health

Since your dog has had diarrhea for three days and vomited previously, it’s important to act carefully:

When to see a vet:
- If vomiting or diarrhea persists for more than 24–48 hours, especially with frequent watery stools, your dog may be dehydrated. In that case, see a vet immediately. [gsvs.org], [vetexplainspets.com]
- Other concerning signs include blood in vomit or stool, lethargy, refusal to drink, or abdominal pain. [gsvs.org], [firstvet.com]
Home care steps:
- Pause food for 2–4 hours (longer if vomiting continues) to let the gut rest. [petplace.com]
- Offer water in small, frequent amounts—e.g., a few tablespoons hourly. If vomiting resumes with water, stop and contact your vet. [gsvs.org], [petplace.com]
- After a break, introduce a bland diet (like boiled rice and chicken) in small amounts. [petplace.com]
When to seek professional help ASAP:
- Persistent vomiting/diarrhea beyond 48 hours
- Signs of dehydration, blood in stool or vomit, painful abdomen, weakness, or if your dog is very young, old, or has existing health issues. [gsvs.org], [firstvet.com]

📞 Actionable next steps:

Call your vet today to discuss symptoms and ask if they recommend lab work or medication.
Monitor your dog’s behavior, appetite, toilet habits, and hydration closely in the meantime.

🧼 2. Cleaning the Carpet

Supplies:

Rubber gloves
Paper towels or disposable cloths
Enzymatic cleaner (ideal) or soapy water (soap + warm water)
Baking soda
Soft brush or scrubber
Optional: vinegar + water solution

Step-by-step cleanup:

Remove solid waste carefully without pressing it into the fibers. Use paper towels or a scoop, then discard outdoors. [wikihow.pet], [bestpetfacts.com]
Blot liquid diarrhea with paper towels—avoid scrubbing to prevent spreading. [wikihow.pet], [articles.hepper.com]
Pre-treat with cleaner:
- Spray an enzymatic cleaner, which breaks down organic matter (start with a perimeter around the stain). [rover.com], [dogster.com]
- If you don’t have that, use soapy warm water or a 1:1 vinegar-water mix. [wikihow.pet], [articles.hepper.com]
Let sit and scrub gently:
- Enzyme cleaners should soak for 15–20 minutes. [rover.com], [dogster.com]
- After soaking, use a soft brush to gently lift stain residue.
Blot or rinse thoroughly, removing all cleaner residue (a carpet cleaner tool helps). [youtube.com], [bestpetfacts.com]
Absorb odors:
- Sprinkle baking soda on the area once it’s dry overnight, then vacuum to deodoriz e. [dogster.com], [apersonalt…carpet.com]

Tips:

Wear gloves throughout.
Act fast—fresh messes are much easier to clean. [bestpetfacts.com], [apersonalt…carpet.com]
Enzymatic cleaners are best for removing odor-causing bacteria. [dogster.com], [rover.com]

✅ What You Can Do Now

For your dog: Call the vet and follow their guidance on hydration, diet, and possible tests or medications.
For your carpet: Gather supplies and follow the cleaning steps above ASAP.

Let me know if you’d like a veterinarian-approved diet recommendation, help finding a local vet, or suggestions for trusted enzymatic cleaners!

Do you want me to help you find a local vet or recommend safe carpet cleaners?

And all of that stuff is fine and probably accurate, but it’s also very practical. Here’s the thing: I live amongst very practical people. Some of the most praised gifts I have ever given Wifey Poo have been vacuum cleaners and puzzle organizers. I am the only person they know who tends to, like, feel emotions. I get enough practical in my every day to fill the very small bucket inside me labeled practical, and much of my existence is about dealing with the spillover that tends to … get this … add to the annoyances. Counters that I think are cleaned but aren’t cleaned right. Rooms that are picked up but that have a square centimeter of fluff that I missed. Cans that are put in the recycling bin but that aren’t rinsed out. You get the picture. I highly modify my daily existence to make the practical people in my life happy.

Yes, it’s cool for AI to tell me how to care for my dog and clean up my carpets. And no, it’s not AI’s fault for being unable to read between the lines in my string of inquiries. That’s why AI-driven therapy has such limitations right now. It doesn’t really understand humans … or, at least, not humans like me. What do I want? I want Copilot to say, “Hey … my dude … you alright? I’m sensing a theme here. Need to talk? Let’s go grab a beer.”

Because goddamn it, I do need to talk and a do need a beer. These annoyances are building up, and other than a few belts of whiskey and a long walk in the park, I got nuthin’ at the moment.

Oh, don’t worry or anything. I’ll be fine. I always am. I understand that life is annoying, in general. ManColds come and go (though this one may, indeed, lead to diphtheria and death), upset doggo stomachs get less upset, presidents rise and fall, and college sports will keep rolling right along. I’m able to see the joy in the absurd.

Now if you’ll excuse me … I have some letters to write and peaceful protests to find.