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DoorDash Etiquette — April 13, 2024

John Agliata
young female customer receiving order during coronavirus pandemic quarantine

Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Johnny 🎶
Game Day💔
Tip Tips 🗡️

THE DAILY UPDATE

Three Things I’m Grateful For Today:

  1. A beautiful day of weather to play some baseball games. We’ve been lucky for the start of our season.
  2. Being an early riser who gets stuff done before anyone else wakes up. Taking care of Johnny Boy Marketing bidness!
  3. Boy The Elder is home this weekend, tomorrow is the Fiddle (Future Daughter-in-Law’s) bridle shower, and BTE will be in the dugout coaching Boy The Younger’s baseball games, plural, because we’re gonna win, dammit.

Pursuit of Wordle Godhood: Today’s result: FAIL. An absolute embarrassment to get three letters nailed out the gate and fail so hard. I resign as your Wordle God.

Wordle 1,029 X/6

🟩🟩🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩⬜

Pursuit of Connections Godhood: Today’s result: PERFECTION. But I am still your Connections God, and I absolutely LOVE today’s purples.

Connections
Puzzle #307
🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟨🟨🟨🟨
🟦🟦🟦🟦
🟪🟪🟪🟪

The song in my head when I woke up: “Hurt,” by Johnny Cash.

Favorite line from the song in my head when I woke up: Everyone I know goes away/In the end

Commute Tunes: No commute today. But yesterday I DoorDashed for about four hours (see below) and cruised to John’s Ultimate Chill Song Compendium, which you really should listen to for the next 13-plus hours.

Something I’m looking forward to today: Coaching baseball.

Something I’m looking forward to in the next seven days: A big interview on Tuesday.

Something I’m grateful for from yesterday: The ability to get. shit. done. I did my day job, a ton of Johnny Boy Marketing work, DoorDashed for some extra cash and had a date with Wifey Poo. Boom.

What I’m writing: Yesterday’s Two Crappy Pages involved writing a blog for a Johnny Boy Marketing client about why parents should send their young dancing kids to dancing summer camps. I’m nothing if not versatile.

What I’ve written: How Fish Farts Almost Blew Up The World

Today’s Stoic Though of the Day: “Be cheerful, not wanting outside help or the relief others might bring. A person needs to stand on their own, not be propped up.” — Marcus Aurelius

John’s translation of Today’s STD: “Hey dumbass. Stop looking to everything and everyone else to help you get through life. All the hot yoga and therapy won’t do jack shit until you realize the power to stand strong is inside you. Buck up. Shoulders back. Tits out. You got this.”

I have been DoorDashing for several months now. It’s a way to make some extra money driving a car I like to bring food (mostly) to lazy people. Yesterday was by far my worst Dashing day yet.

First off, if you’ve ever thought about going to the Sonic in Lake Saint Louis, punch yourself in whatever genitalia you have and then go eat whatever is in your fridge. I don’t care if it’s that one dill pickle that’s been sitting there for a decade. You’ll still have a better experience than if you went to that Sonic.

Second, I think y’all who order food from food delivery services need some tips. So I’m gonna go ahead and smarten you up so you don’t get your food spit in.

  1. Tip. Remember, you are the lazy fuck who won’t get in his car to go through a drive-thru. I’m doing you a solid. Not tipping is a great way for me to oopsie drop your drink or oopsie punt your food to your door instead of putting it down gracefully and cheerfully. In all seriousness, none of us who Dash is doing it for any other reason than the money. Don’t be a cheap-ass bitch. Throw me a buck or ten.
  2. Let me leave it at your door. I don’t want to talk to you. It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s just that the process of ringing your doorbell, waiting for you to get off your lazy ass, pull up your pants and get to the door costs me time, and time equals money in DoorDashing. There is literally no situation I can think of where I shouldn’t be able to just leave your food at your door and finish the order so I can move onto the next mission. And yes, that’s how I see these things: Missions. We can chat some other time.
  3. Keep your fucking dog inside. I love dogs and, generally, dogs love me. But even the friendliest dog can get a bit jumpy seeing a strange person approaching his master’s door. And if they are carrying food that said dog has been able to smell for miles, they are more than ready to turn your dinner into theirs. Bring your fucking dog inside. That goes for iguanas, snakes, hamsters and rabbits, too, while we’re at it.
  4. Tip. Wait. Didn’t I say this one already? Yeah, I did. But since you wouldn’t think I’d have to say it the first time, I’m gonna say it again. If you’re getting food from a food delivery service, you are using the delivery person as a waiter. And you wouldn’t think about not tipping a waiter, would you? If you would, please just shoot yourself in the groin because you’re a horrible person.
  5. Tip more. “John, this is getting ridiculous.” No it’s not. If you live way the hell out in the country far from the restaurant you’re getting food and a fucking eon from any other restaurant, make your tip larger. Why? Remember, time is money for me. A 20 minute drive to bring you food because you live in the boonies is fine … if you pay me. Because then I have to drive all the way back from the boonies to a place that has, ya know, commerce so DoorDash will give me a next order. Thus, that 20 minute drive because 40 minutes of me not making more money, and if you give me a buck for that effort, well, I can’t promise anything about the condition of your food or my mood should you happen to want me to hand it to you instead of leaving it at the door.
  6. Leave me a five-star review. Why? Because I provide five-star fucking service, my friend. Contrary to what my attitude in this missive might be, I am super, super friendly when I’m driving. I actually like doing this. I get to listen to music. I’m in a car I love to drive. And I have time to think deep thoughts. I also go the extra mile for my peeps. Yesterday, I called Sonic’s corporate complaint number for my customer. What the hell else was I going to do while waiting for twenty-five-motherfucking-minutes in their goddamn drive thru without moving? I’ll bring you straws. I’ll bring you extra sauce packets. I’ll perform showtunes for you if you’re gonna tip me enough. I will communicate any delays or obstacles to you so you know exactly when your precious food will arrive. Leave me a five-star review. It tells DoorDash that I’m a fucking gold-star Dasher and the algorithm steers me higher-tipping orders because of it.

So there you have it, folks. How not to be a dick to your DoorDasher.

Would you please help a brutha out? I’ve created a weekly eNewsletter called News-B-Nuts in which I’ll be sending out news nuggets and witty commentary to subscribers. If you can, would you support this endeavor for just $5 a month via Patreon?

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