🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Garbage Can 🗑️
Food Insecurity 🍲
Poop Smell 💩
The level of significance of a particular task varies based on the time of day. This is something I realized this morning when I hauled my ass out of bed at 5:09 a.m. because of a thought that popped into my brain at 3:32 a.m. and made the rest of the night’s sleep rather spotty.
This past weekend, Wifey Poo did an amazing job of cleaning out and organizing the garage. I realize how much I love Wifey Poo’s oddities. If you looked at our homeschool room, you wouldn’t put the word “organized” anywhere close to her. But the garage today? It’s fucking immaculate.
That said, her efforts produced a whole lot of trash in our one can. Our trash hauler arrives early in the morning on Wednesdays. I often see the truck’s headlights as I’m pouring my morning coffee on those days. And at 3:32 a.m., I woke up wondering whether anyone took the trash to the curb.
Technically, this is Boy the Younger’s job. Boy The Younger, however, is also a 13-year-old boy, so on about half the weeks, I end up rolling the can down the driveway myself. This doesn’t anger me because this is just one example of how he reminds me very much of me when I was his age.
At 3:32 a.m., the most important thing in the world was whether this trash can was at the end of the driveway. If my brain had remembered that, say, I needed to donate a kidney that afternoon to save a loved one’s life, the garbage can would have been 1B to that 1A. That’s how important it seemed in my brain.
Then, when I finally arose at 5:09 a.m. in an attempt to beat the garbage man, my more-awake brain said, “Ya know, if you missed the trash man, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”
The 3:32 a.m. brain would have shanked the 5:09 a.m. brain.
All that said, the trash can was at the end of the driveway. Wifey Poo had asked BTY to do it at some point last night, I learned when she awoke and I described my neurosis.
So yeah. That.
I have never experienced traditional food insecurity. No matter where I’ve gone, no matter where I’ve been, there’s always been a next meal available.
That doesn’t mean I’m not experiencing food insecurity.
Let me explain.
Wifey Poo and I are very different people. That we love each other tremendously, have some amazing kids and like talking about murder podcasts keep us together. Outside of that, we march to the beat of different drummers. It’s part of why we’re so fucking awesome.
Some differences, however, create … oh, how shall I put this? … tensions.
Food is one of them.
Wifey Poo and I are very different when it comes to food. Her perspective on what I’m about to write would be totally different from mine, and I respect that. She can be wrong if she wants to be.
When good food comes into the home, I am crazy enough to think that it is meant to be eaten. So I set about eating it. My diet has changed radically since Longhaul COVID fucked me up, but the only thing that truly has changed in this situation is the definition of what “good food” is.
Take the Protein Ball Incident, at it has become known. Wifey Poo brought into our home these really tasty protein balls purchased from a friend of Baby Sister. They were yummy. So I ate them.
This was wrong.
From Wifey Poo’s perspective, I ate them too fast. The only word in that sentence I object to is “too.” I most definitely ate them fast. Given the option of eating a new-to-the-house, very-yummy protein ball and a baby carrot, I’m all-in on the balls, yo. So yes, the protein balls disappeared by a generally accepted definition of “fast.”
But “too” fast? Objection, your honor.
Now, when Wifey Poo brings protein balls into the house, there are his and hers boxes. Mine is empty in a few days. Hers lasts a month. I dig that she likes to savor her treats. That’s admirable.
It’s also weird.
Recently, the Protein Ball Incident was trumped by The Blueberry Incident. Wifey Poo correctly points out that I am weird when it comes to food sometimes. If I start to like something, I will eat the hell out of it until I would rather never see that food item again in my life. I once had canned tuna fish for lunch for a month straight and haven’t eaten canned tuna again since then.
One night this winter, I ate a blueberry and realized it was good.
Soon, all the blueberries were gone.
Little did I know that those were Earmarked Blueberries meant for Wifey Poo’s snack the next day, the day after that, the day after that day and so on.
And yes, it was a lot of blueberries consumed in one seating. I’ll give her that. But they were good.
This morning, I was packing my lunch for work. On the counter was a container of cherry tomatoes. I looked at them and felt very food insecure. Can I eat them? How many of them can I eat? I took six in my lunch yesterday and she hadn’t said a word. What if I took six again today? Or, hold me back, what if I took seven?
The insecurity came because of conflicting signals. One time I ate a crapton of cherry tomatoes and was told they were meant for her salads for the coming week but that it was OK because she could do without. I felt like I was denying Oliver Twist another bowl of porridge.
So the next time cherry tomatoes appeared, I avoiding them as if they were given to me by Walter White (if you know, you know). Then, I watched as those cherry tomatoes slowly went bad, until I was asked, “Are you going to eat those before they rot?”
Um … no? Yes? WHAT’S THE RIGHT ANSWER!?!?!?
I am beginning to think we need more than his and her boxes of protein balls but rather his and her kitchens.
(Editor’s note: Welcome to Living Eulogies. All recollections are accurate in the author’s mind only. Apologies in advance to everyone who has different recollection of the same events. Send all complaints to Al Roker. Stop, drop and roll.) My drive to work today was highlighted by my first listen of Metallica’s new album, 72 Seasons.…Keep reading
My Favorite African had the leg surgery on Monday that brought him to our home for this stay. The plan was to take out three pieces of hardware that had been put in the last time he was here to hold his bones together.
Wifey Poo and MFA traveled to Shriners St. Louis butt-early on Monday morning. The surgery went well, but the doctors were not able to get two of the three pieces out because of how they have embedded into the reformed bone. It’s cool. He’ll be fine.
One of the side effects of surgery, at least for MFA, is constipation. This is fine with me because I hate changing poopy diapers, and, sadly, despite being 6, MFA needs diapers because the damage to his spine has affected some of the nerves that signal when he needs to go.
Constipation, however, is just a reprieve from a far worse hell that arrives later.
That hell arrived yesterday.
Wifey Poo gave MFA a laxative to help grease the skids, so to speak. And boy howdy, once the cork was popped, the machine worked great.
I walked in the door after a traffic-filled commute home to an odor. That is an understatement of epic proportions.
We sprayed some pretty damn heavy duty air freshener to work on that. Then, right before bed, there was another massive explosion. Wifey Poo called to me to see if I could bring some wipes into MFA’s bedroom.
She did not, however, warn me that I should be fully geared up in a hazmat suit when I arrived.
MFA is feeling better today and not complaining about his belly hurting. I imagine ridding yourself of 58 pounds of waste would make your belly feel at least a little bit better.
As far as the odor in the house, I think it might be time to just burn the place down, collect the insurance money and start fresh on a new piece of land.
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- The InguanaMobile is, as of this moment, scheduled to arrive tomorrow.
- My crown is still in my mouth.
- Going to the Drake Relays next week!
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Books and Stories 📚SVB Lessons 🏦Basketball Party 🏀 Holy crap, you guys! I actually finished something I wrote! In fact, I finished two somethings I wrote! As my regular readers (hey you three!) know, I’ve been stunk in a funk of starting to write books and short stories with gusto and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Podcast Appearance 🎙️The Birth Control Pill Story 🐶Good Tired 🥱 If you would have asked me a few years ago whether I could ever envision myself on a stage in the back room of a dive bar sharing a story about how my dog ate six months of birth control pills…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Pee Mate 🚽Game Maker 🎲Dumb Muricans 🦅 I have been thinking about death a lot lately, not because I’m particularly eager for it to happen or because I’m particularly not eager for it to happen. I guess it’s because I’m a few months shy of my 49th birthday and please-for-the-love-of-God let…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Dieudonne 🌍Hoops Win🏀Cornhole Roll ✔️ In 2021, during some of the darkest and most difficult times in our lives as individuals and couple, Wifey Poo and I did a thing. It was a big thing. It was a challenging thing. It was an amazing thing. But to say it was just…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩’Full Stop’ 🛑Needles 💉Business Lessons 🧑💼 Here’s something I learned about myself today: One way to ensure that I will debate you on a topic until I give my last breath or until you are huddled in a corner in a fetal position is to end the statement of your opinion…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Mindfulness 🧘Mullet Prez 👩🦳Murder Family 🔪 Our brains are amazing things. So adept are they at routines that they can essentially run on autopilot and let you do the everyday stuff like operating a multi-ton object advancing at 70+ mph among lots of other multi-top objects advancing at 70+ mph without…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Bloody Hell 💂Circus Moments 🤡Silence 🤫 OK, people: I’ve got a bone to pick with you. But first, a little digression. What in the bloody hell does that phrase mean? “A bone to pick with you?” That sounds absolutely disgusting. And if you’re wondering why I said “bloody hell,” well, that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩24 Hour Video 😡Rubik’s Kid 🧊Dilbert Doofus 🤪 There are two things I cannot stand in the working world — and in life, in general. The first is people whose lack of preparedness turns ordinary stuff into emergencies. The second is when people criticize the result of something they previous approved.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Mormon Billionaires 💰Bigger Packages 🍌Birds Really Aren’t Real 🐦 Can we just get on with blowing the tits off the world with nuclear weapons or something and end this stupid thing we call the human race? Yeah, I know that’s a little dramatic, but when I take a look at the…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Muricah The Evil 🦅You Buy You 💰Big-Ass Van 🚚 I find it rather humorous that Muricah warned China not to send arms to one side of the conflict between Russia and Ukraine … and that we issued this warning with a straight face. I’m quite sure most Muricahns believe their country…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Salve 🩹Car Wash 🚗💧Light Removal 🎄 I try not to venture too often into a Wal-Mart, especially on the weekend. I cling to slim hope for this nation as it is, and I find Wal-Mart trips do not help my grip. Alas, this weekend, Boy The Younger was under the weather…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩CC, BCC, FU 📧Basketball Poll 🏀Andy Rooney 🎙️ This week has largely been a Shit Week marred by Shit People. What are Shit People? They aren’t exactly easy to define, but one hallmark of a Shit Person is his rampant use of the CC function at work to passive-aggressively play power…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chill Day 🛋️Busy Weekend ⚾Halftime 🏈 I’m not working today. Not only am I not working at my day job, I’m not doing any work for my side gig today. I’m not planning on doing much of anything, actually. And I don’t feel guilty about that. This weekend was insanely busy.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Big Pharma Sucks 💊Work Rules 🧑💼Big Weekend 🏈 Spend any time in front of the television and you’ll see ads touting the latest drugs that you shouldn’t take if you’re allergic to and that you most definitely need to ask your doctor about. Now comes a study showing that the people…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Top 5 🎈Symphony 🎻Living Eulogies 💗 Top 5 things overheard in Missourah last week as a purported Chinese spy balloon made its way over the state en route to its rendezvous with an F22’s missile: Despite my high-brow upbringing in Suburbia, New York, I’m not what anyone would call A Symphony…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Space Walk 🧑🚀Bye-Bye Brady 🏈Failure Rate 🐿️ When Boy The Elder was just Boy and devoid of a younger brother, we had a nickname for him: Pokey Joe. BTE didn’t do anything fast, but more than anything, what he did incredibly slow was get out of a car. That would suck…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Raccoons 🦝February 💘Man Nips 🕺 Today I bring you the story of a raccoon who got his balls stuck to railroad tracks. But the reason you think I’m bringing you this story is not the reason I’m bringing you this story. You think I’m bringing the story of the raccoon Neil…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Tyre Nichols 😔Tattoo Day ✒️Nephew Hoops🏀 I was a white kid in suburbia, New York, in 1988 when the gangsta rap group N.W.A. came out with its album Straight Outta Compton, featuring the song Fuck Tha Police. It was scandalous, at the time, to suggest that the police would be anything…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Car Concert 🎵Sick Wife🤒People Suck 🖕 Within the 24 hours in the run-up to Snowpocalypse 2023, the estimates on the Weather Channel app for our snowfall total ranged from 1 to 10 inches. That’s like going to the doctor and being told you have anything from a splinter to terminal cancer.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Mission: Failed 👎Ho 🤣Handy Family 👍 It has to suck to work at the Missouri Department of Transportation. Why? It took exactly 75 minutes for all of 2023 to be a failure. Let me explain. Those of you unfortunate enough to have been involved in any sort of corporate planning process…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Houston 🖊️Sad clown 🤡Taco Seasoning 🌮 Houston, Missourah, is not unlike a lot of other rural Missourah towns through which I’ve driven and bears a resemblance to the Small Town USA in which Boy The Elder did a lot of his early growing up and to which Boy The Younger came…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Definitions 📖Missing Bourbon 🥃Mysterious Knocks 😵 I generally abhor any writing that starts with, “Webster’s dictionary defines …” Webster’s dictionary defines “ceiling” as a noun meaning “the overhead inside lining of a room.” The implication is that it’s a limitation, a max, a point of demarcation between what’s out there and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sadness 😥Annoyance 😠Disappointment 😞 When Boy The Elder was Boy The Only in our home, he watched one of the Air Bud movies featuring a basketball-playing dog. Or maybe it was football. Or soccer. By the time that series was over, that dog had played them all. Anyway, whichever Air Bud…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Thor’s Blurry Hammer 🍆Pigeon Delivery 🕊️Idiot List 🤪 Thor is really, really good with his hammer. And by that, I mean that Thor the walrus in Scarborough, England, is really good at masturbating and ruining New Years Eve. If you haven’t heard about this story, stop reading stupid news like politics…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Bruising Basketball 🏀Poke ☝️Six?!? 🔫 I grew up in the NBA era of the Bad Boys Detroit Pistons while loving a New York Knicks team that was, to put it mildly, quite physical. Guys like Steph Curry and LeBron James can makes basketball seem like artistry these days, but give me…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩What There is Like! ⛅’Modern Policing’ 🚨Xylophone Time! 🎵 When you decide to talk about a time in which you truly believe you more-or-less died and saw what comes after this life, you have to be comfortable with the fact that people might think you’re nuts. Hell, talking about it on…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Grace Ashford! 📰Idaholy Shit! 🥔Story of the Year! 🍆 The three most influential people in my life as a journalist are, sadly, all part of the Great Newsroom in the Sky now. Professors Michael Perkins and Bob Woodward (AKA Bob Woodward-Not-That-Bob-Woodward) helped educate me at Drake University, and Lisa Warren was…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Poor Puppy 🐶Romeo and Juliet 🤴👸Meta Mistake 🙊 Disturbing news out of Washington, D.C., today as Republican Congressman-elect George Santos (if that’s his real name) brought a 6-month-old puppy to the house floor and screamed “Hey, look at me!” before slitting its throat and lapping up its squirting blood like a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩A Pretty Good Rant 😠Tesla Plunge 🚗Missed Lasts 😥 Those of you who regularly read my drivel (I see you, DirtySciFiBuddah) might have become aware of the fact over the past year or so that I am not a huge fan of our world’s modern institutions. All of them might, in…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Incomplete 🕮Frustration 😠Bowl Bust 🏈 To say that I know how to write is like saying I know how to breathe. No one considers that they know how to breathe. They just … breathe. No one is particularly good at breathing or bad at breathing. Again, they just … breathe. I’ve…Keep reading
Welcome to Issue No. 15 of Listicles, the feature that presents the Top 10, Top 5, Top 3, Top 100 or Top 1,000,000 of whatever it is you want to know about. Email your Listicle suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org. So last year, I had a list of 100 intentions for 2022, and I did fairly well,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩2023 📅Helping 🧠The Universe 🔭 I’m not much for long-term plans and goals. This isn’t to suggest I don’t think they’re important. I just think that spending a lot of time on them is futile. What’s the saying? Man plans, God laughs. Something like that. Anyway, I’ve learned through experience that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chain Links 🔗”Work” 🧑💼Popular Toys 🧸 After my first son died in December 2000, I spent a lot of time wondering why. Why me? Why Wifey Poo? Why Jacob? Why this level of suffering in a world supposedly created and run by an all-loving, all-knowing, all-powerful God? So I did what…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chiefs! 🏈Indy Tickets 🏎️Bank Visit 💰 When I bought the tickets to the Christmas Eve contest between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Seattle Seahawks as a gift for Boys The Elder & Younger, it was sometime in September and temps hovered around 90 degrees. The thought that the game might…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Timelines 👶Extinctions 🌋Sin City 👌 As I fall deeper down the rabbit hole learning more about theories on space and time, the concept of alternative timelines comes up again and again and again. Whether it’s the stuff of science fiction or one day will be proven to be the stuff of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩’Cousin’ Laughs🎤Improv!?!? 🎭Drake Hoops 🏀 Back when I was a boy, I had a favorite Cousin-Who-Wasn’t-A-Cousin. His name was Joey DeVito, and he was in no way a blood relation to me, though I called his father Uncle Frankie and his mother Aunt Celia. I’m pretty sure this is an East…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Glazed 🍩Bingo! 🖥️Disappearing Christians ⛪ I didn’t intend to bring doughnuts for my co-workers yesterday morning. It just sorta happened. How it happened and how it played out is a window into my weird mind. First, an explanation: I have a card purchased from Boy The Younger that entitles me to…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩STL’s Homeless 😥Snake Hoo-Hoos 🐍That Was Epoch 👴 I found James huddled underneath a blanket as he sat, knees to his chest, head bowed, just outside the doorway of a CVS in the Delmar Loop section of St. Louis. If you’re not familiar with the area, it’s a fun place filled…Keep reading