🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Pee Mate 🚽
Game Maker 🎲
Dumb Muricans 🦅
I have been thinking about death a lot lately, not because I’m particularly eager for it to happen or because I’m particularly not eager for it to happen. I guess it’s because I’m a few months shy of my 49th birthday and please-for-the-love-of-God let me be more than halfway done on this little journey called life.
Today, I was wondering how to know when you’ve peaked. No, I’m not talking peeked. That’s creepy. I’m talking about the point when life is as good as it ever is going to get.
I had two moments last week that made me think I’ve found my peak moment of obscure fame, which, yes, I know is an oxymoron.
The first occurred in the dingy men’s room of the Harley Race Arena in glorious Troy, Missourah. For those who suck, Harley Race was a professional wrestler of some renown back in the territories days of the sport (and yes, it’s a sport), before Vince McMahon turned it into sports entertainment. Race was an eight-time NWA World Heavyweight Champion and had a meh run in the then-WWF as “The King.”
Later in life, he opened up World League Wrestling, a training ground for youngsters hoping to make it big. I first encountered the promotion when I lived in Central Missourah, when it was headquartered in Eldon. Then, it moved to Troy, about 15 minutes from my Humble Country Abode. I even had the opportunity to chat with the man himself at an event before he passed away a few years ago.
Boy The Younger and I have taken to attending WLW’s monthly live shows at its warehouse-style arena. The seats are within literal spitting distance of the wrestlers, and it’s good, relatively inexpensive entertainment if you’re into that sort of thing.
This past Saturday, the promotion brought in Ricky Morton, who is on something of a farewell tour. For those who suck, Ricky Morton was one half of one of the most innovative-for-its-time tag teams in professional wrestling, the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express. Along with his partner Robert Gibson, Morton dazzled crowds with high-flying offense and lightning-quick tag team maneuvers. Their decade-long feud with the Midnight Express is legendary in pro wrestling circles.
I grew up in the Northeast — WWF territory — and it wasn’t until we got cable TV sometime around my 15th birthday that I was able to regularly watch the less glitzy and more gritty NWA. By then, the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express were megastars, and Ricky Morton was the flashier of the duo. Combined, they won nine NWA Tag Team Championships.
Now, Ricky Morton is 67 years old and looks every bit of the man who has traveled long miles in what can be a brutal, unforgiving sport. His bleach-blond mullet is still a mullet, but now it’s silver, and he’s many years past any high-flying moves. What he can still do, though, is entertain.
On this night, he was facing WLW Champion Superstar Steve, a guy you wouldn’t look twice at if you encountered him in the hardware store. He’s a tough heel (bad guy) and was the perfect opponent to work with Morton in this match.
The match itself wasn’t much. A few moves, a lot of playing to the crowd, and a victory-by-cheating for the champ.
It was what happened before the event even started that was one of my two peak moments in life.
Before the action started, I went to that dingy men’s room to do what men do in men’s room, and there was Ricky Morton, doing what former tag team champions also do in men’s rooms. To be able to saw that I peed next to nine-time NWA Tag Team Champion Ricky Morton has to be one of the major highlights of my life, far more important than getting married or having kids.
Which leads us to my other brush with fame last week …
The Tony Kornheiser Show has been part of my life for many, many years. For those who suck, Tony Kornheiser is the former Washington Post reporter who is better known these days as the host of the long-running ESPN show Pardon the Interruption — or, as the cool kids call it, PTI.
Mr. Tony (as he is often called) used to have a radio show and, when the technology came around, a podcast. I’ve listened to it for more than 15 years now, probably longer.
The pod is awesome. It’s not a sports show, per say, as much as it is about whatever has Mr. Tony agitated that day and the local weather in Washington, D.C. Yes, he’ll interview sports people, but he also has a monkey picking football games. At the end of each show is an email segment, during which Mr. Tony reads the missives of those who manage to find a way to get their prose past screeners Nigel and his son, Michael — the two regulars on the show.
That I have had more than a dozen emails read on the show is a source of pride so great I at one point thought it would never be matched.
But it has.
The email segment often turns into Littles (as we fans are known) answering Mr. Tony’s questions or adding me-too comments to the things he’s talking about on the day. For example, after one episode in which he mentioned the odd stuff in the vomit of his dog, Chessie, the new game became “weird things my dog has eaten.” For weeks and weeks and weeks, people emailed in with the tales of their dog’s odd eaten items.
To be the one who starts a new game is something that earns a Little the equivalent of street cred with the pod. I never dared to dream of being the one who started a new game.
Then, Mr. Tony brought up Howard Johnson’s, reflecting on the nearly extinct hotel/restaurant chain that once dotted the landscape of America. So I emailed Mr. Tony with my own Howard Johnson’s story and was excited when he read it on the air.
My email spoke of a family trip I was on as a child in which we stopped at a Howard Johnson’s. I went with my father to the men’s room, and there we encountered the lead singer of the doo-wop group my dad had been a part of as a teen/young adult growing up in the Bronx in the 1950s. It was a completely improbable chance meeting that turned into a 20 minute men’s room conversation, which I related in detail to Mr. Tony.
Now, the new game on the Tony Kornheiser Show is “Completely Improbable/Impossible Meetings,” and I, my friends, am the one who started it.
Combine that with peeing next to Ricky Morton and I think I can safely say I’ve peaked.
(Editor’s note: Welcome to Living Eulogies. All recollections are accurate in the author’s mind only. Apologies in advance to everyone who has different recollection of the same events. Send all complaints to your local Girl Scouts chapter. Do not use in shower.) For today’s Living Eulogy, I wanted to try something a little bit different.…Keep reading
I do not hide very well that I am not a big fan of Muricah 2023. This isn’t to suggest I’m not appreciative of some of the freedoms we have as Muricans. I am.
For example, I recognize that this whole website wouldn’t be really conducive to living were I writing this from, say, China. For another example, I’m grateful for the economic system that allows me to be rewarded for my contributions and abilities with my job at a rate greater than those who don’t do what I do as well as I have done it for as long as I have done it.
That said (you knew that was coming), I find myself today about as far from patriotic as a Murican can be. I just don’t know that I can get behind any system in which the gubment’s focus is to hurt its people economically to cool down inflation it caused by pumping trillions of dollars into the system with no plan to responsibly ease it back out.
And yet, I don’t feel sorry for those the gubment is trying to hurt. Why? Because we as a nation are a collection of idiots.
We spend money we don’t have to the point where all it takes to cause us to be a burden on said system is the words “You’re fired.” Credit card debt at the end of 2022 was at a record $930.6 billion, an 18.5% spike from the end of 2021. The average Murican owes nearly $6,000 in credit card debt alone.
This might be fine if we were all sitting on a crapton of cash. We’re not. Despite knowing that layoffs are a thing of the present, half of all Muricans have less than $500 in the bank.
Do the math. If the average Murican has nearly $6,000 in credit card debt and half of those idiots have less than $500 in the bank, how great is our nation really?
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- Maybe there’s a moment to beat peeing next to Ricky Morton.
- Boy The Elder comes home for the weekend on Friday.
- Baseball season!
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Costly Mortality ☠️Crazies, Unite 🤪Defining ‘Appointment’ 🦷 I’m getting ready to die. Sounds ominous, right? Dramatic? Scary? It’s not. Oh yes, in a certain light, it’s depressing as hell. But what it really involved was a meeting with an attorney that Wifey Poo and I had yesterday to figure out exactly…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Books and Stories 📚SVB Lessons 🏦Basketball Party 🏀 Holy crap, you guys! I actually finished something I wrote! In fact, I finished two somethings I wrote! As my regular readers (hey you three!) know, I’ve been stunk in a funk of starting to write books and short stories with gusto and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Podcast Appearance 🎙️The Birth Control Pill Story 🐶Good Tired 🥱 If you would have asked me a few years ago whether I could ever envision myself on a stage in the back room of a dive bar sharing a story about how my dog ate six months of birth control pills…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Dieudonne 🌍Hoops Win🏀Cornhole Roll ✔️ In 2021, during some of the darkest and most difficult times in our lives as individuals and couple, Wifey Poo and I did a thing. It was a big thing. It was a challenging thing. It was an amazing thing. But to say it was just…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩’Full Stop’ 🛑Needles 💉Business Lessons 🧑💼 Here’s something I learned about myself today: One way to ensure that I will debate you on a topic until I give my last breath or until you are huddled in a corner in a fetal position is to end the statement of your opinion…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Mindfulness 🧘Mullet Prez 👩🦳Murder Family 🔪 Our brains are amazing things. So adept are they at routines that they can essentially run on autopilot and let you do the everyday stuff like operating a multi-ton object advancing at 70+ mph among lots of other multi-top objects advancing at 70+ mph without…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Bloody Hell 💂Circus Moments 🤡Silence 🤫 OK, people: I’ve got a bone to pick with you. But first, a little digression. What in the bloody hell does that phrase mean? “A bone to pick with you?” That sounds absolutely disgusting. And if you’re wondering why I said “bloody hell,” well, that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩24 Hour Video 😡Rubik’s Kid 🧊Dilbert Doofus 🤪 There are two things I cannot stand in the working world — and in life, in general. The first is people whose lack of preparedness turns ordinary stuff into emergencies. The second is when people criticize the result of something they previous approved.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Mormon Billionaires 💰Bigger Packages 🍌Birds Really Aren’t Real 🐦 Can we just get on with blowing the tits off the world with nuclear weapons or something and end this stupid thing we call the human race? Yeah, I know that’s a little dramatic, but when I take a look at the…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Muricah The Evil 🦅You Buy You 💰Big-Ass Van 🚚 I find it rather humorous that Muricah warned China not to send arms to one side of the conflict between Russia and Ukraine … and that we issued this warning with a straight face. I’m quite sure most Muricahns believe their country…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Salve 🩹Car Wash 🚗💧Light Removal 🎄 I try not to venture too often into a Wal-Mart, especially on the weekend. I cling to slim hope for this nation as it is, and I find Wal-Mart trips do not help my grip. Alas, this weekend, Boy The Younger was under the weather…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩CC, BCC, FU 📧Basketball Poll 🏀Andy Rooney 🎙️ This week has largely been a Shit Week marred by Shit People. What are Shit People? They aren’t exactly easy to define, but one hallmark of a Shit Person is his rampant use of the CC function at work to passive-aggressively play power…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chill Day 🛋️Busy Weekend ⚾Halftime 🏈 I’m not working today. Not only am I not working at my day job, I’m not doing any work for my side gig today. I’m not planning on doing much of anything, actually. And I don’t feel guilty about that. This weekend was insanely busy.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Big Pharma Sucks 💊Work Rules 🧑💼Big Weekend 🏈 Spend any time in front of the television and you’ll see ads touting the latest drugs that you shouldn’t take if you’re allergic to and that you most definitely need to ask your doctor about. Now comes a study showing that the people…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Top 5 🎈Symphony 🎻Living Eulogies 💗 Top 5 things overheard in Missourah last week as a purported Chinese spy balloon made its way over the state en route to its rendezvous with an F22’s missile: Despite my high-brow upbringing in Suburbia, New York, I’m not what anyone would call A Symphony…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Space Walk 🧑🚀Bye-Bye Brady 🏈Failure Rate 🐿️ When Boy The Elder was just Boy and devoid of a younger brother, we had a nickname for him: Pokey Joe. BTE didn’t do anything fast, but more than anything, what he did incredibly slow was get out of a car. That would suck…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Raccoons 🦝February 💘Man Nips 🕺 Today I bring you the story of a raccoon who got his balls stuck to railroad tracks. But the reason you think I’m bringing you this story is not the reason I’m bringing you this story. You think I’m bringing the story of the raccoon Neil…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Tyre Nichols 😔Tattoo Day ✒️Nephew Hoops🏀 I was a white kid in suburbia, New York, in 1988 when the gangsta rap group N.W.A. came out with its album Straight Outta Compton, featuring the song Fuck Tha Police. It was scandalous, at the time, to suggest that the police would be anything…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Car Concert 🎵Sick Wife🤒People Suck 🖕 Within the 24 hours in the run-up to Snowpocalypse 2023, the estimates on the Weather Channel app for our snowfall total ranged from 1 to 10 inches. That’s like going to the doctor and being told you have anything from a splinter to terminal cancer.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Mission: Failed 👎Ho 🤣Handy Family 👍 It has to suck to work at the Missouri Department of Transportation. Why? It took exactly 75 minutes for all of 2023 to be a failure. Let me explain. Those of you unfortunate enough to have been involved in any sort of corporate planning process…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Houston 🖊️Sad clown 🤡Taco Seasoning 🌮 Houston, Missourah, is not unlike a lot of other rural Missourah towns through which I’ve driven and bears a resemblance to the Small Town USA in which Boy The Elder did a lot of his early growing up and to which Boy The Younger came…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Definitions 📖Missing Bourbon 🥃Mysterious Knocks 😵 I generally abhor any writing that starts with, “Webster’s dictionary defines …” Webster’s dictionary defines “ceiling” as a noun meaning “the overhead inside lining of a room.” The implication is that it’s a limitation, a max, a point of demarcation between what’s out there and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sadness 😥Annoyance 😠Disappointment 😞 When Boy The Elder was Boy The Only in our home, he watched one of the Air Bud movies featuring a basketball-playing dog. Or maybe it was football. Or soccer. By the time that series was over, that dog had played them all. Anyway, whichever Air Bud…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Thor’s Blurry Hammer 🍆Pigeon Delivery 🕊️Idiot List 🤪 Thor is really, really good with his hammer. And by that, I mean that Thor the walrus in Scarborough, England, is really good at masturbating and ruining New Years Eve. If you haven’t heard about this story, stop reading stupid news like politics…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Bruising Basketball 🏀Poke ☝️Six?!? 🔫 I grew up in the NBA era of the Bad Boys Detroit Pistons while loving a New York Knicks team that was, to put it mildly, quite physical. Guys like Steph Curry and LeBron James can makes basketball seem like artistry these days, but give me…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩What There is Like! ⛅’Modern Policing’ 🚨Xylophone Time! 🎵 When you decide to talk about a time in which you truly believe you more-or-less died and saw what comes after this life, you have to be comfortable with the fact that people might think you’re nuts. Hell, talking about it on…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Grace Ashford! 📰Idaholy Shit! 🥔Story of the Year! 🍆 The three most influential people in my life as a journalist are, sadly, all part of the Great Newsroom in the Sky now. Professors Michael Perkins and Bob Woodward (AKA Bob Woodward-Not-That-Bob-Woodward) helped educate me at Drake University, and Lisa Warren was…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Poor Puppy 🐶Romeo and Juliet 🤴👸Meta Mistake 🙊 Disturbing news out of Washington, D.C., today as Republican Congressman-elect George Santos (if that’s his real name) brought a 6-month-old puppy to the house floor and screamed “Hey, look at me!” before slitting its throat and lapping up its squirting blood like a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩A Pretty Good Rant 😠Tesla Plunge 🚗Missed Lasts 😥 Those of you who regularly read my drivel (I see you, DirtySciFiBuddah) might have become aware of the fact over the past year or so that I am not a huge fan of our world’s modern institutions. All of them might, in…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Incomplete 🕮Frustration 😠Bowl Bust 🏈 To say that I know how to write is like saying I know how to breathe. No one considers that they know how to breathe. They just … breathe. No one is particularly good at breathing or bad at breathing. Again, they just … breathe. I’ve…Keep reading
Welcome to Issue No. 15 of Listicles, the feature that presents the Top 10, Top 5, Top 3, Top 100 or Top 1,000,000 of whatever it is you want to know about. Email your Listicle suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org. So last year, I had a list of 100 intentions for 2022, and I did fairly well,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩2023 📅Helping 🧠The Universe 🔭 I’m not much for long-term plans and goals. This isn’t to suggest I don’t think they’re important. I just think that spending a lot of time on them is futile. What’s the saying? Man plans, God laughs. Something like that. Anyway, I’ve learned through experience that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chain Links 🔗”Work” 🧑💼Popular Toys 🧸 After my first son died in December 2000, I spent a lot of time wondering why. Why me? Why Wifey Poo? Why Jacob? Why this level of suffering in a world supposedly created and run by an all-loving, all-knowing, all-powerful God? So I did what…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chiefs! 🏈Indy Tickets 🏎️Bank Visit 💰 When I bought the tickets to the Christmas Eve contest between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Seattle Seahawks as a gift for Boys The Elder & Younger, it was sometime in September and temps hovered around 90 degrees. The thought that the game might…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Timelines 👶Extinctions 🌋Sin City 👌 As I fall deeper down the rabbit hole learning more about theories on space and time, the concept of alternative timelines comes up again and again and again. Whether it’s the stuff of science fiction or one day will be proven to be the stuff of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩’Cousin’ Laughs🎤Improv!?!? 🎭Drake Hoops 🏀 Back when I was a boy, I had a favorite Cousin-Who-Wasn’t-A-Cousin. His name was Joey DeVito, and he was in no way a blood relation to me, though I called his father Uncle Frankie and his mother Aunt Celia. I’m pretty sure this is an East…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Glazed 🍩Bingo! 🖥️Disappearing Christians ⛪ I didn’t intend to bring doughnuts for my co-workers yesterday morning. It just sorta happened. How it happened and how it played out is a window into my weird mind. First, an explanation: I have a card purchased from Boy The Younger that entitles me to…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩STL’s Homeless 😥Snake Hoo-Hoos 🐍That Was Epoch 👴 I found James huddled underneath a blanket as he sat, knees to his chest, head bowed, just outside the doorway of a CVS in the Delmar Loop section of St. Louis. If you’re not familiar with the area, it’s a fun place filled…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Knicks Memory 🏀JBM LLC 🧑🏼💼Brain Drain 🧠 My most memorable interaction with Paul Silas occurred when I was a 17-year-old kid with big dreams of being a sports reporter. I’d talked with Paul before — his wife and Mother Dearest were active in the local Make A Wish Foundation chapter and…Keep reading