🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Mormon Billionaires 💰
Bigger Packages 🍌
Birds Really Aren’t Real 🐦
Can we just get on with blowing the tits off the world with nuclear weapons or something and end this stupid thing we call the human race? Yeah, I know that’s a little dramatic, but when I take a look at the world around me, I have absolutely zero hope for a positive future for our planet if our species continues to run it.
I understand that bad news out-screams good news. Trust me. I worked in the newspaper business for a long, long time. But things seem especially sucky right now. What institution can you actually trust? The government? Please. Charities? Get a grip The church? Go fuck yourself.
The Mormons got slapped with a $5 million fine yesterday by the SEC (not the football conference) because it used shell companies to hide the size of its $32 BILLION FREAKING DOLLAR investment portfolio (as of 2018). The Roman Catholic church, to randomly pluck another highly corrupt church out of the ether, is sitting on $5 BILLION FREAKING DOLLARS in assets. And yet dutiful sheep are plunking down 10 percent of their paychecks every fucking week to not help people but rather to make the hierarchy of these churches rich. Imagine the good that good be done with just 10% of that pie these supposedly do-go institutions are sitting on? There are real people with real and desperate needs out there. So why not take that 10% you’re putting in the collection plates and skip the corrupt asshole middle men (a gender term used very purposefully here) and go do something good yourself. The churches have proven not worthy of your trust in so many ways.
Oh, and for those who say “But my church is different!”, no it’s not.
Hey guys. Good news! Your penis is getting bigger. Well, maybe not your penis. But penises in general are getting better. And it’s actually not good news. At least, doctors say it’s not good news, and they have white lab coats, so let’s believe them.
The average penis length has increased over the past 30 years, a new study reveals. Which should all make us stop right there and realize researchers have been methodically, regularly, systematically measuring penises for three fucking decades!
Dr. Michael Eisenberg sees this as a bad thing, perhaps because he, himself, has a small penis. Says the Dick Doc:
“If we’re seeing this fast of a change, it means that something powerful is happening to our bodies.”
What a buzzkill!
Seriously, though, Dr. Dick says the 24% increase in average wang size over the past 29 years — from 4.8 inches to 6 inches … I’ll pause now so you can go get a ruler and measure you own — is bad because researchers don’t know exactly what’s causing this heh-hem massive change but think it could be linked to chemical exposure from pesticides or hygiene products. Another possible reason is our increasingly sedentary lifestyle.
But before you go all braggy-braggy about your dick size, Muricahn dudes, know this: Your willy ranks only 59th in the world.
And here I feel I must pause again: Eighty-six nations spent time and money on measuring the penis sizes of their males! For a long, long, long time.
Oh, and don’t worry. I’m going to answer the question you’re asking but don’t want to ask: Which country has the biggest bang for their bucks?
Ecuadorian men average 6.95 inches. Gahd-dang! I’m moving to the equator.
Oh, and I hear ya. Now you want to know who’s packing the smallest punch. It’s the Cambodians, who have just 3.95 inches of heat on average.
A few other random dick length averages, you ask? Haitians are 6.30 inches of awesome, French dudes shame Murichan’s 5.35 inches with 6.20 inches of their own love tool, and Aussies have 5.69 inches. Sixty-nine … heheheheheheh.
Cue Crocodile Dundee looking at a naked Muricahn male and saying, “That’s not a penis. This is a penis.”
When my classmate Sarah died late last year, I realized just how much she was a part of the fabric of my childhood. And that was interesting to me. I mean, were my life a movie, Sarah wouldn’t be anything close to the lead actress. She would probably be considered an extra in many ways,…Keep reading
I am an ardent follower of the Birds Aren’t Real movement. If you’re not aware of what that movement is, WAKE THE FUCK UP, SHEEPLE! It’s a satirical group that asserts birds aren’t, in fact, animals but are, in fact, drones being used by the CIA and other nefarious organizations to surveil the Muricahn public.
This — and I must stress this word again — satirical movement began as a joke at a protest of idiot Trumpeteer Q supports when a dude grabbed a piece of a cardboard and scribbled the first equally nonsensical thing that came to mind: “Birds Aren’t Real.”
Since then, the movement has proliferated across the country and led to dozens of — and here I go again — satirical protests in such places as outside Twitter’s bird-logoed headquarters.
Now, however, comes this news: A team of researchers stopped measuring penises long enough to develop drones from the bodies of stuffed dead birds. These researchers presented their findings in a study at the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics SciTech 2023 Forum in January, a forum you and I weren’t allowed into because we aren’t smart enough.
Lead study author Mostafa Hassanalian (Name Rating: 8.75) said: “Instead of using artificial materials for building drones, we can use the dead birds and re-engineer them as a drone.”
What the actual fuck, Mostafa?!?!?
The drones are called “ornithopters,” which is fucking clever, I must say. And they fly the way birds fly — by flapping their cold, dead wings.
Lest you think I’m joking, click the goddamn link.
Truth is stranger than — and I repeat this once again — satirical fiction.
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- I really, really am interested in how the world is going to end. Pop the popcorn.
- Improv class on Sunday!
- I can’t wait to get home to measure my penis.
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Bloody Hell 💂Circus Moments 🤡Silence 🤫 OK, people: I’ve got a bone to pick with you. But first, a little digression. What in the bloody hell does that phrase mean? “A bone to pick with you?” That sounds absolutely disgusting. And if you’re wondering why I said “bloody hell,” well, that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩24 Hour Video 😡Rubik’s Kid 🧊Dilbert Doofus 🤪 There are two things I cannot stand in the working world — and in life, in general. The first is people whose lack of preparedness turns ordinary stuff into emergencies. The second is when people criticize the result of something they previous approved.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Muricah The Evil 🦅You Buy You 💰Big-Ass Van 🚚 I find it rather humorous that Muricah warned China not to send arms to one side of the conflict between Russia and Ukraine … and that we issued this warning with a straight face. I’m quite sure most Muricahns believe their country…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Salve 🩹Car Wash 🚗💧Light Removal 🎄 I try not to venture too often into a Wal-Mart, especially on the weekend. I cling to slim hope for this nation as it is, and I find Wal-Mart trips do not help my grip. Alas, this weekend, Boy The Younger was under the weather…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩CC, BCC, FU 📧Basketball Poll 🏀Andy Rooney 🎙️ This week has largely been a Shit Week marred by Shit People. What are Shit People? They aren’t exactly easy to define, but one hallmark of a Shit Person is his rampant use of the CC function at work to passive-aggressively play power…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chill Day 🛋️Busy Weekend ⚾Halftime 🏈 I’m not working today. Not only am I not working at my day job, I’m not doing any work for my side gig today. I’m not planning on doing much of anything, actually. And I don’t feel guilty about that. This weekend was insanely busy.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Big Pharma Sucks 💊Work Rules 🧑💼Big Weekend 🏈 Spend any time in front of the television and you’ll see ads touting the latest drugs that you shouldn’t take if you’re allergic to and that you most definitely need to ask your doctor about. Now comes a study showing that the people…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Top 5 🎈Symphony 🎻Living Eulogies 💗 Top 5 things overheard in Missourah last week as a purported Chinese spy balloon made its way over the state en route to its rendezvous with an F22’s missile: Despite my high-brow upbringing in Suburbia, New York, I’m not what anyone would call A Symphony…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Space Walk 🧑🚀Bye-Bye Brady 🏈Failure Rate 🐿️ When Boy The Elder was just Boy and devoid of a younger brother, we had a nickname for him: Pokey Joe. BTE didn’t do anything fast, but more than anything, what he did incredibly slow was get out of a car. That would suck…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Raccoons 🦝February 💘Man Nips 🕺 Today I bring you the story of a raccoon who got his balls stuck to railroad tracks. But the reason you think I’m bringing you this story is not the reason I’m bringing you this story. You think I’m bringing the story of the raccoon Neil…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Tyre Nichols 😔Tattoo Day ✒️Nephew Hoops🏀 I was a white kid in suburbia, New York, in 1988 when the gangsta rap group N.W.A. came out with its album Straight Outta Compton, featuring the song Fuck Tha Police. It was scandalous, at the time, to suggest that the police would be anything…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Car Concert 🎵Sick Wife🤒People Suck 🖕 Within the 24 hours in the run-up to Snowpocalypse 2023, the estimates on the Weather Channel app for our snowfall total ranged from 1 to 10 inches. That’s like going to the doctor and being told you have anything from a splinter to terminal cancer.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Mission: Failed 👎Ho 🤣Handy Family 👍 It has to suck to work at the Missouri Department of Transportation. Why? It took exactly 75 minutes for all of 2023 to be a failure. Let me explain. Those of you unfortunate enough to have been involved in any sort of corporate planning process…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Houston 🖊️Sad clown 🤡Taco Seasoning 🌮 Houston, Missourah, is not unlike a lot of other rural Missourah towns through which I’ve driven and bears a resemblance to the Small Town USA in which Boy The Elder did a lot of his early growing up and to which Boy The Younger came…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Definitions 📖Missing Bourbon 🥃Mysterious Knocks 😵 I generally abhor any writing that starts with, “Webster’s dictionary defines …” Webster’s dictionary defines “ceiling” as a noun meaning “the overhead inside lining of a room.” The implication is that it’s a limitation, a max, a point of demarcation between what’s out there and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sadness 😥Annoyance 😠Disappointment 😞 When Boy The Elder was Boy The Only in our home, he watched one of the Air Bud movies featuring a basketball-playing dog. Or maybe it was football. Or soccer. By the time that series was over, that dog had played them all. Anyway, whichever Air Bud…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Thor’s Blurry Hammer 🍆Pigeon Delivery 🕊️Idiot List 🤪 Thor is really, really good with his hammer. And by that, I mean that Thor the walrus in Scarborough, England, is really good at masturbating and ruining New Years Eve. If you haven’t heard about this story, stop reading stupid news like politics…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Bruising Basketball 🏀Poke ☝️Six?!? 🔫 I grew up in the NBA era of the Bad Boys Detroit Pistons while loving a New York Knicks team that was, to put it mildly, quite physical. Guys like Steph Curry and LeBron James can makes basketball seem like artistry these days, but give me…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩What There is Like! ⛅’Modern Policing’ 🚨Xylophone Time! 🎵 When you decide to talk about a time in which you truly believe you more-or-less died and saw what comes after this life, you have to be comfortable with the fact that people might think you’re nuts. Hell, talking about it on…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Grace Ashford! 📰Idaholy Shit! 🥔Story of the Year! 🍆 The three most influential people in my life as a journalist are, sadly, all part of the Great Newsroom in the Sky now. Professors Michael Perkins and Bob Woodward (AKA Bob Woodward-Not-That-Bob-Woodward) helped educate me at Drake University, and Lisa Warren was…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Poor Puppy 🐶Romeo and Juliet 🤴👸Meta Mistake 🙊 Disturbing news out of Washington, D.C., today as Republican Congressman-elect George Santos (if that’s his real name) brought a 6-month-old puppy to the house floor and screamed “Hey, look at me!” before slitting its throat and lapping up its squirting blood like a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩A Pretty Good Rant 😠Tesla Plunge 🚗Missed Lasts 😥 Those of you who regularly read my drivel (I see you, DirtySciFiBuddah) might have become aware of the fact over the past year or so that I am not a huge fan of our world’s modern institutions. All of them might, in…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Incomplete 🕮Frustration 😠Bowl Bust 🏈 To say that I know how to write is like saying I know how to breathe. No one considers that they know how to breathe. They just … breathe. No one is particularly good at breathing or bad at breathing. Again, they just … breathe. I’ve…Keep reading
Welcome to Issue No. 15 of Listicles, the feature that presents the Top 10, Top 5, Top 3, Top 100 or Top 1,000,000 of whatever it is you want to know about. Email your Listicle suggestions to email@example.com. So last year, I had a list of 100 intentions for 2022, and I did fairly well,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩2023 📅Helping 🧠The Universe 🔭 I’m not much for long-term plans and goals. This isn’t to suggest I don’t think they’re important. I just think that spending a lot of time on them is futile. What’s the saying? Man plans, God laughs. Something like that. Anyway, I’ve learned through experience that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chain Links 🔗”Work” 🧑💼Popular Toys 🧸 After my first son died in December 2000, I spent a lot of time wondering why. Why me? Why Wifey Poo? Why Jacob? Why this level of suffering in a world supposedly created and run by an all-loving, all-knowing, all-powerful God? So I did what…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chiefs! 🏈Indy Tickets 🏎️Bank Visit 💰 When I bought the tickets to the Christmas Eve contest between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Seattle Seahawks as a gift for Boys The Elder & Younger, it was sometime in September and temps hovered around 90 degrees. The thought that the game might…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Timelines 👶Extinctions 🌋Sin City 👌 As I fall deeper down the rabbit hole learning more about theories on space and time, the concept of alternative timelines comes up again and again and again. Whether it’s the stuff of science fiction or one day will be proven to be the stuff of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩’Cousin’ Laughs🎤Improv!?!? 🎭Drake Hoops 🏀 Back when I was a boy, I had a favorite Cousin-Who-Wasn’t-A-Cousin. His name was Joey DeVito, and he was in no way a blood relation to me, though I called his father Uncle Frankie and his mother Aunt Celia. I’m pretty sure this is an East…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Glazed 🍩Bingo! 🖥️Disappearing Christians ⛪ I didn’t intend to bring doughnuts for my co-workers yesterday morning. It just sorta happened. How it happened and how it played out is a window into my weird mind. First, an explanation: I have a card purchased from Boy The Younger that entitles me to…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩STL’s Homeless 😥Snake Hoo-Hoos 🐍That Was Epoch 👴 I found James huddled underneath a blanket as he sat, knees to his chest, head bowed, just outside the doorway of a CVS in the Delmar Loop section of St. Louis. If you’re not familiar with the area, it’s a fun place filled…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Knicks Memory 🏀JBM LLC 🧑🏼💼Brain Drain 🧠 My most memorable interaction with Paul Silas occurred when I was a 17-year-old kid with big dreams of being a sports reporter. I’d talked with Paul before — his wife and Mother Dearest were active in the local Make A Wish Foundation chapter and…Keep reading