🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Missing Bourbon 🥃
Mysterious Knocks 😵
I generally abhor any writing that starts with, “Webster’s dictionary defines …” Webster’s dictionary defines “ceiling” as a noun meaning “the overhead inside lining of a room.” The implication is that it’s a limitation, a max, a point of demarcation between what’s out there and what’s in here.
Now that I’ve made myself sick by my own writing, I’ll make myself sicker by talking about politics. How interesting is it that we, as a society, hear about talk of the debt ceiling for our Federal government and don’t bat an eyelash that nearing its upper limit is constantly dealt with by something that should generally be extremely difficult to do: raise the ceiling. Doesn’t that go against the very definition of the debt ceiling. By whatever definition you want to use, a ceiling replies an upper limit, a constriction on human behavior. Your desire to jump higher on that indoor trampoline is negated by the ceiling in your home. Can you raise your ceiling? Well, sure, if you want to fuck up your house. So isn’t it easier to just … not jump so high?
Listen, I’m not financial expert when it comes to the ins and out of running the most wealthy country in the word on debt that runs into double digit trillions. But let me just demonstrate what that number looks like:
That’s a helluva lot of zeroes. Do you know what each one indicates? Ownership. Someone owning ‘Muricah’s debt owns you. Owns me. Owns us. Owns the people who vote on legislation, the person who signs that legislation and the courts that rule if those signatures are on Constitutional legislation (theoretically, anyway). To say there’s not a conflict of interest at each step when someone — multiple someones — owns those decisionmakers is to have your cabeza stuck up your posterior.
Like I said, I’m not a federal financial expert. I’m not even a personal finance expert. But I do understand words. And I know that words have power. A lot of power. Don’t believe me. N word. There. Powerful, huh? And I didn’t even say the word.
“Ceiling” should be carrying more weigh in our collective consciousness. When that ceiling is set numerous trillions of miles in the air, there should be some general recognition that that’s high enough. That not raising that ceiling time and again would blast our markets and federal finance system to hell isn’t a sign of irresponsible spending or personal irresponsibility or anything other than how broken our system of dollars and cents and sense truly is.
I don’t have a solution. I’m not a financial expert. I’m a word guy who understands the power of labeling things. It’s not a debt ceiling. It’s not a debt limit. It’s nothing. It doesn’t exist. It’s a mirage. Kinda like the greatness of our financial system.
Here’s something I know: At some point since the New Year, I had two bottles of Woodford Reserve bourbon. One was purchased by me as a personal celebration for getting an unexpected bonus at work. The other was purchased the same day and at the same place by Wifey Poo as a gift to celebrate me getting an unexpected bonus at work. Isn’t that adorable?
I also know that I no longer have either of those bottles, having tasted none of what’s inside. Yes, you could point to any number of things that could have happened to make those bottles disappear, including a severe problem with alcohol that John has that makes him black out after consuming two bottles of Woodford Reserve. I will counter that by saying that’s not true and that I might not remember consuming two bottles of Woodford Reserve, but by my nature of hating throwing up, I would certainly have remembered the aftermath.
There are no other suspects in my house. All have tasted bourbon. All hate it.
It is hard, then, to know what exactly happened to those two bottles. I do know they were visible to casual passersby, and we have had multiples of repair and maintenance folks in our house since the new year. We’ve had multitudes of family and guests, as well.
I cannot and will not accuse any of them, because hey, maybe the bottles fell into a wormhole and are waiting for me to arrive in a new dimension. If that’s the case, I bet the contents will taste most excellent.
I’m just saying that one thing I know is that I had two bottles of Woodford Reserve, and now I have none. And that, my friends, sucks.
What follows is an excerpt of the sermon delivered by Pastor Q.F. Conseco of the No-Dick Church on the evening of July 3, 2022, from his home outside Escandido, California. Read his first sermon that launched the church. Good evening and welcome to the first evening meeting of the newly created No-Dick Church of Hellhole…Keep reading
Adding to the strange things that sometimes occur in life, while I was driving home from work yesterday, cruising up I-270 en route to its rendezvous with I-70, I was doing my thang and jamming out to one of my playlists. It’s called “Hard Stuff” and it’s filled with songs from Metallica, Guns ‘n’ Roses, AC/DC, Megadeth and more. I have always excelled at putting songs together in just the right order. If you were my friend or girlfriend back in the day, you were always seeing a newly created mix tape from me. I miss those days.
Anywho, my hard rock festival was interrupted by three loud bangs on my right rear door. If you asked me now what I thought it sounded like, it sounded like someone knocking on the door to get in. Not soft, polite, “Are you in there?” knocks. These were “OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!” knocks.
This is as highly unlikely as it would have been highly dangerous, as I was traveling down the highway (up, if you want to be thinking about me traveling north) at a rather rapid pace — 70 mph or so. If you were hanging onto the outside of my car banging to get in, you should have been pausing to reconsider your life decisions.
So what was that knock? I have absolutely no idea.
It appears to be nothing mechanical with the car. It’s nothing cosmetic with the car. There are no missing bumpers or sheet metal. My car is still my same Shitty Little Car it was before the knocks.
There is no sign of anything impacting the car. I’m quite sure I wasn’t hit by space debris. This one time, on the first anniversary of my son’s death, some assholes — not knowing, of course, how hard that day was for me and my passenger, Wifey Poo — pelted our car with eggs as we drove past them on the way home from a funeral of a friend. Yeah. That.
This time? No drying yolk on my car.
I still have no clue what the knocking was. I’m wondering if maybe it was my Woodford Reserve trying to get back to this dimension.
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- Massage and leaving for solitude today.
- Awaiting the return of my Woodford Reserve from the multiverse.
- Lemurs. I love lemurs.
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Loser Species 👶Email Win 📧Dad Pride 👨👦👦 I’m pretty sure I’m not normal. Normal people respond to that statement with, “Oh, John, nobody’s normal,” which is just a sign for us non-normies that the person we’re talking to is normal. Yesterday, I was waiting for Wifey Poo to pick me up…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Concert Thoughts 🧠Marriage 💍Drunk Idiots 🧉 There’s this scene in the 2004 movie Garden State in which Sam (Natalie Portman) looks at Andrew (Zach Braff) and notices … … And yeah, that resonated with me then and resonates with me now. Ever since then, being “in it” has become a thing…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sadness 😥Beautiful Skies ⛅Two Terms For 2022 ✌️ Back in our early days at Pound Ridge Elementary School, Sarah was the fastest girl runner in the class, which bought her some serious playground cred. There were only a few of us boys who could hang with Sarah in the 50-meter dash…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Ear Flushing👂Grunge God🎶Tech Guy📺 If you have to have a doctor tell you a body part or yours is small, I suppose one of the least offensive would be the ear canal. That’s what a doctor told me this morning, after I finally broke down and actually went to said doctor’s…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Toys in the Hall🪅Idiot Governors🗳️Flopping FedEx✈️ Last night in my hotel in Springfield, Missourah, I set out a glass of milk and a plate of cookies before going to bed. It’s not that I don’t know how to read a calendar or have any particular belief in a fat man in…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Which One?🗺️Leave Introverts Alone🤫Oxford Commas🤪 I’m on the road for work this week, in Springfield. Ahhh, but Springfield what? There currently are 35 populated places in the United States named Springfield, spread out over 25 states, including five in Wisconsin. In addition, there are 35 Springfield Townships, and Ohio owns 11…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Surrounded 😷Wood Splitter 🌲Morons 🤪 I’ve had COVID. Twice. The first time fucked up my life for a year. I’m still not back to the me I was before it came into my home, and I’m pretty sure that now, nearly two years later, that’s not going to change. The second…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sunday audible🤒Fantasy Failure 🏈Anal Chess♟️ Sunday was supposed to be a romantic day spent in a canoe with Wifey Poo, the two of us paddling leisurely down the Meramec River. Mother Nature was not in the mood to play wingman and decided to pick the one day in the midst of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Finish Line Scene 🏃♂️Baseball’s Better ⚾M-I-Z! Z-O-UC-H! 🏈 I have never understood the modern-day purpose of running for the sake of running. Sure, I understand it’s a great form of cardiovascular exercise and it’s a convenient way to get from Point A to Point B, yet the desire to strap on…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Book Guy 📚Queen Stuff 👑Bernard Shaw 📺 I’ve decided I want to own a copy of every Stephen King book ever written. That’s about 75 books at the moment. I have a built-in bookcase in my mancave/home office. I don’t think it would hold all 75 in hardcover, but perhaps it…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Beginnings 📚School Start 🚌Real Baseball ⚾ I was thinking this morning on my drive to work how we rarely know when the significant times in our lives begin. So frequently, the most important things that happen to us start with nothing noteworthy. Of course, there are exceptions, the “love-at-first-sight” moments or…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Fallin’ Thoughts 🤕Shinedown 🎸Sleepy 😴 The brain can be surprisingly efficient when the meatsack it’s attached to is in the middle of falling off a ladder while holding a revved-up chainsaw. This, I learned yesterday morning while attempting to saw a limb off a tree that was getting way too close…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Overview📅Fantasy Football🏈Elite Bonding🤼♂️ Days that start with chainsaws and lighter fluid and end with four hours of really good professional wrestling are bound to be added to the “good” column for review when the scales are weighed at the end of a life. Yesterday was such a day for me. In…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Funeral 😢Glimmers ☁️Meat 🥩 If you’re lucky, you’ve had a second mother. Whether your first mother was or is an amazing person who nurtured you and raised you among calm consistency or if she was lacking in certain maternal fundamentals, having a second mother is a blessing. Today, we were there…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩We’re Dumber 👎OnlyFans Thrives 🍑Shinedown 🎵 Official statistics put the COVID death toll in the United States at 1.04 million, with another 713 deaths yesterday. More than 4,000 people are in the ICU right now suffering from what the former Moron-in-Chief called that one person coming from China and a situation…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Dethroned Queen 👑Gravy Wrestling 🤼♂️Dog Talk 🐕 Don’t fuck with the Bucyrus Bratwurst Festival board. That’s a message Abigail Brocwell is learning the hard way. Brocwell was expected to be inaugurated as the queen of the festival in the northern Ohio town earlier this month, but she was stripped of the…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩3, Unassisted ⚾A Sad Day 📅Tracking Your Vagina 🌸 The last time Boy The Younger was on a baseball field, the “coach” of his team removed him from a game in the middle of an inning because I had privately messaged him to not attempt to steal home with my kid…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Hydrogen Issue 🚀Karting 🏎️Lake Life 😌 I was all excited to watch the launch of the moon-bound Artemis 1 rocket this morning, only to see the clock stopped at T-minus 40 minutes because of a “hydrogen issue.” Don’t know about you, but I’m thinking having an issue with hydrogen is a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Karen in Control ⌚Karting 🏎️What podcast? 🎧 In the winter of 1993, I went to a comedy club with a friend and, in the spur of the moment, decided to be one of those who came forward to join the fun and be hypnotized. This was decidedly out of character for…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Little League Flap ⚾Grandpa Joe 🤦Psychedelics 🍄 Boys are interesting creatures who aren’t easily understood. One of the many, many weird things boys do is mercilessly make fun of their best friends. My closest friends in middle school and early in high school were affectionately nicknamed Goon, Tree Frog, Butt and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩 Death Cometh Sooner 💀Twitter Security 🔓Game Over 🌑 Average life expectancy in the United States dropped in 2020 by almost two years in 2020, the biggest decline since World War II. Every state and the District of Columbia saw a drop. Guess it was a little bit more than that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Worm brain 🧠Chicken Big Mac 🐔Eye Twitch 👁️ Caenorhabditis elegans is probably too elegant of a name for something that is really just a disgusting little worm about a millimeter long and most easily found in rotting fruit. It is more commonly known as a lab roundworm and was the first…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Agliata Homeschool Academy 🚌Hypnosis 😳Sunburn 🌞🔥 When you tell people you homeschool your children, you typically receive one of three responses: An enthusiastic: “Oh, that’s so cool!”An I’d-rather-be-dipped-in-acid: “Oh wow! I could never do that!” A you’re-one-of-those-weirdos: “Oh… really… homeschooling, huh?” The percentage for each has changed in the wake…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Indycar 🏎️Best Friends 😎Baseball Irony ⚾ There are certain people who look at car racing as an endless series of left turns. These people are idiots on whom nuance is lost. Boy The Elder and I crossed the border yesterday late-morning to head just past the fine city of East St.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Swine Inflation 🐖Swamp Thing 🎥Phone Calls 📱 Life was different when I went to college in Iowa after growing up in suburban New York City. This isn’t to suggest I was a city kid. I wasn’t. The city was a place we went to a few times a year, and where…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Triple-Threat 🖥️🖥️🖥️Tasmanian Tiger 🐅Video Work 📹 Humans were not meant to stare at laptop screens. At least, humans of a certain age were not meant to stare at laptop screens. I say this after successfully lobbying for a second monitor at work, which effectively turned my laptop screen into a third…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Look Before Brewing ☕Hoop Construction 🏀Nuclear War ☢️ If you’d like an indication of how much of a Monday yesterday was for me, know that I ended up with an orange in my coffee. Well, to be fair, it wasn’t a full-blown orange. It was something called a Cutie, which is…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Weird Date 🪦Nature Walk🌳Bulldog Bath 🐶 If you have a date walking around a cemetery, you’re either weird or goth, and neither Wifey Poo nor I were wearing black today, which I guess tells you all you need to know about us. Old cemeteries are something of a fascination for us,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩So Long, Kid 👨👦Steak Celebration🥩Chip & Joanna 🪚 Regular readers of my drivel know that I’m kind of an emotional guy, which is like saying that Jack kind of could have fit on the spacious floating door with Rose in Titanic. So it should come as no surprise when I say…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Cash 4 IRS 💰Cash 4 Workers 💸Sound of Silence 🤫 Be extra careful on your taxes this year. The IRS is expected to receive nearly $80 billion when The Inflation Reduction Act eventually becomes law, and its plan is to hire 87,000 full-time workers. More than half of the $80 billion…Keep reading