Animal Updates — Jan. 12, 2023

John Agliata

5 months ago

🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Thor’s Blurry Hammer 🍆
Pigeon Delivery 🕊️
Idiot List 🤪

Thor is really, really good with his hammer. And by that, I mean that Thor the walrus in Scarborough, England, is really good at masturbating and ruining New Years Eve.

If you haven’t heard about this story, stop reading stupid news like politics and war coverage and follow the important stuff. You missed a story about a walrus named Thor (presumably not by his walrus parents) who beached himself on a dock near where a town was going to celebrate the coming of the new year with fireworks.

Now, when I heard the town canceled its fireworks display because Thor was, um, pleasuring himself, my first thought was that Scarborough found a great way to save money and put the fireworks back in storage until next New Year’s Eve because they had free entertainment in Thor the Walrus. But no. Of course not. The fireworks were canceled so as not to disturb the previous masturbating walrus.

This got me wondering if masturbation is common in the animal kingdom and, proving that we humans are really just slightly more intelligent animals (in some cases, anyway), the answer is that the animal kingdom is ripe with self-pleasurers. In fact, walruses don’t just settle for a a little flipper-on-dong fun. They have been observed performing oral sex on themselves.

Hey, if you’ve got the flexibility, you do you. Who am I to judge?

What astounded me is that, when I watched the nightly news coverage of this story, first, I was happy that the nightly news covered the story and, second, I laughed at the fact that they blurred out the Thor’s hammer. Of course, I recognize that there are, indeed, people at home who would be turned on at the sight of a walrus dong. That’s just how some people are wired. But it goes to show America’s uptight attitudes about anything remotely approaching sex.

The only image I had after seeing that was the eye roll of the guy whose job it was to blur out a walrus wiener. I bet he didn’t see that coming for his work day when he woke up in the morning.

walrus

Let’s stay with the animal kingdom, shall we? A pigeon was “arrested” in Canada over the holidays when it was observed in a prison yard with a tiny pack strapped to its back. Said pack was stuffed with 30 grams of crystal meth, which officers described as a “fairly substantial” amount.

Just as Thor isn’t the first Walrus to whack it, the pigeon (who sadly doesn’t have a name, so I shall call him Iron Man) wasn’t the first to be arrested. In 2020, a pigeon was handed over to police in India, accused of being a Pakistani spy.

First, I’m glad we get along with our neighbors in Canada and Mexico better than India and Pakistan get along.
Second, the James Bond of the pigeon world was painted pink and had a ring on its foot with numbers on it. As Boy The Elder would say, that’s sus.

And still, that pigeon isn’t the first to make news for reasons that shamed its parents. An all-caps newspaper headline on Feb. 2, 1930 declared “CARRIER PIGEONS SMUGGLE DRUGS.” Each was said to transport what at that time was $5 to $10 worth of drugs over the Mexican border into the United States.

Build a wall to stop that, Trump.

pigeon

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What follows is an excerpt of the sermon delivered by Pastor Q.F. Conseco of the No-Dick Church on July 3, 2022, from his home outside Escandido, California. Good morning and welcome to the first-ever meeting of the newly created No-Dick Church of Hellhole Canyon, California. Verily, I welcome you and hope you are enjoying our…

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