What follows is an excerpt of the sermon delivered by Pastor Q.F. Conseco of the No-Dick Church on the evening of July 3, 2022, from his home outside Escandido, California. Read his first sermon that launched the church.
Good evening and welcome to the first evening meeting of the newly created No-Dick Church of Hellhole Canyon, California. I say “welcome,” because, when I look out at the people assembled in front of me, those who were not here for our first meeting this morning far outnumber those who are here tonight. That is a good sign, my friends. It is a sign you have taken what you heard in the First Sermon of the No-Dick Church and were so excited that you went out and spread the No-Dick gospel to others! By a show of hands, how many of you are here tonight thanks to what we are calling a “No-Dicker?” That’s a follower of the No-Dick philosophy.
Go ahead. It’s OK. Raise your hands. We won’t pick on you or embarrass you or ask you for money. That would be a dickish thing to do, and as you’ve heard — if you were here this morning or a No-Dicker talked with you or you watched our live stream — we don’t do dick.
Ahhh, there we go. Look at all those hands, my fellow No-Dickers! Look around at this beautiful room filled with No-Dickers, people who understand that the only way for humanity to move forward, the only way for humanity to survive, is to live the one tenet of the No-Dick Church. Would it be too much to ask us all to say that tenet together? No pressure. No obligation. And if you don’t know the no-dick tenet yet, that’s completely fine. We’re a new movement, after all … less than 24 hours old!
OK. On the count of three, are we ready? One … two …. three!
Don’t be a dick!
Ahhhhh, never has a more beautiful phrase been uttered by an assembled group! Thank you, my friends. Thank you.
So tonight … what are we going to talk about? Why is your pastor standing up in front of you in a pair of shorts that, frankly, are too short and too tight, I think we all would agree, yes? And why is he standing up here wearing a Hulkamania muscle shirt — vintage, I might add, straight from the 1980s and the time Hulkamania was running wild all across this world, a shirt just ready to be ripped off so the pastor’s pecs can join his not-quite-24-inch pythons as free and exposed to the glorious evening air coming in through our open windows? Why, my friends, would a pastor wear this?
Verily, I tell you, it is to highlight one way in which we can not be a dick, one way in which we can live out the one and only tenet of the No-Dick Church.
Let’s talk about our bodies tonight, shall we? What you see before you is the result of a lot of hard work. It’s not just saying my prayers, training and eating my vitamins. It’s sweat. It’s tears … because, hey, who likes to get up at 4:30 a.m., am I right? It’s not just blood, because yes, there has been blood as I’ve worked to create the muscular figure you see before you tonight.
So why is your pastor talking about his muscles? Isn’t that, well, kind of dickish? I mean, not everyone has a body like this, right? I look around the crowd today, and I see people of all shapes and sizes. Some of you are more muscular, more fit, more toned. Some of you are not. And ya know what? That’s completely OK. You’re completely OK in whatever shape you are.
Tonight, I’d like to talk to those of you who have worked hard to get the muscles you have. Because I’ve observed something. Those with bigger muscles, those who are more fit … these folks? They have a tendency to be dicks. Ahhh, but stay with me, muscular folks. There’s more.
I first observed this when I was a youngster on the commune, back when I lived with Hippie Mom. There was a guy — we’ll call him Jasper. And Jasper was a slight little boy. Kind of sickly. Ya know what I’m talking about… the kid who, if somethin’ was goin’ around … some kind of virus or bug … he was going to catch it. Poor Jasper. He never really had a chance to work on his muscles because he was always recovering from something.
And then there was Gary. Gary was blessed with big DNA. I’m convinced you wouldn’t need a microscope to see it in his blood. He’d have visible chunks of DNA that flexed and preened and strutted around, bellowing, “Look at me. Look at me.”
So who’s the dick in this story, my friends? Is it Gary? Nay! I tell you, it is not Gary. Ya know who was the full-on dick? Jasper.
Oh, I hear your shock and your gasps. I do. But yea, I tell you, twas Jasper who was the dick.
Let me explain.
Jasper, perhaps because he was so often sickly, had something of a bad attitude as a child. And as he grew, that bad attitude turned into a mean spirit. You know the type of person I’m talking about, right? Angry. Sullen. Just plain nasty. That was Jasper. Never a no-dick word for anyone.
Well you might be thinking — and you’d be right — that a small, sickly boy with a bad attitude — a mean spirit, if you will — is bound to get his ass kicked numerous times. And you’d be right.
Except for Gary.
Gary and Jasper became good friends at an early age. Even then, there was a size difference between the two, a significant size difference. I’m not sure why Gary picked Jasper to be his friend … it was just in Gary’s nature to try to lift others up and help those who seemed to be in need. Gary looked at Jasper as someone who needed to be protected. Soon enough, that became the case.
As for Jasper, why did he choose Gary to be his friend? I submit to you, my friends, that Jasper chose Gary as a friend — as his best friend — simply because of his size. The bigger Gary got, the more Jasper clung to him. The more invitations Gary got to sit with Jasper at our communal suppers. The more games Gary was invited to play after our homeschooling each day.
My friends, Jasper clung to Gary so Jasper could be a full-on dick. And a full-on dick Jasper became! Soon, knowing he had a loyal, misguided, burgeoning behemoth of a friend to back him up, Jasper would smart off to any other commune kid he came across. He’d steal the sticks they would be using to hit a pine cone — we weren’t allowed to have bats and balls, as they were tools of violence — and break the sticks over his knee. Then, when the boy whose stick was broken realized what a pipsqueak Jasper was and how easy he would be to pound into the ground, Jasper would take off running until he found Gary — and he’d hide behind him.
And let me tell you … no one was going through or around Gary. So yes, Gary is something of a dick in this story. But not a full-on dick like Jasper.
Pretty soon, everyone knew it was futile to even give chase. This just emboldened Jasper to be more of a dick. What a dick he was!
I wish I could tell you there was a happy ending to this story. I wish I could tell you that, at some point, Gary figured out Jasper was a dick and beat the living snot out of him. I wish I could tell you that, aware of Jasper’s vulnerability without Gary, every single person Jasper tormented sought him out and tortured him until he begged for mercy.
I wish I could tell you that, but I can’t.
Gary and Jasper eventually left the commune and embarked on what would become a long, vast crime spree, bullying and beating and robbing and raping and murdering their way across the country until finally … finally … they were tracked down in Switzerland and killed by covert operatives of the Israeli Mossad. Never once did Gary use his physical prowess to commit any crime. He simply provided the backup for Jasper that set him free to go on his reign of international terror.
And herein lies our no-dick lesson for the day, my friends.
Muscles. Fitness. Physiques. Bodies. Are they good? Are they bad? I put forward to you that they are neither. They merely are.
Those into fitness and building muscles will tell you they are good because they lead to long life. And it is true … the more fit you are, the more likely you are to live longer. But it’s not absolute. We’ve all heard stories of the 36-year-old fitness buff who drops dead of a heart attack while eating a tofu and kale salad after a day of mountain biking. And we’ve heard of the doughnut eating slob whose never lifted a weight in his life living to be 95.
Worse than that, these extra years fitness buffs love to tout, they’re not the good years. They’re the years at the end of our lives when we’re old and falling apart and a burden to the system and our families. That, in and of itself, is kind of dickish. Better, I would say, would be a medium-length life of good health than a long one of great health with some crappy, burdensome years at the end.
Those who don’t believe in fitness look upon those who are fit with something very, very ugly — jealousy. We can all agree that jealousy is a dickish emotion, yes? Envy is its twin brother or sister. We see those with bigger muscles or a tighter waistline or a rock-hard butt and cast aspersions upon them mentally or verbally, and why? Because they’ve worked hard to look like that? Because they were blessed with good genes?
Here’s the things, No-Dickers: It’s not the muscles. You can be a 6-foot-6, 304 pound, ripped, tanned, toned, beautiful man … and not be a dick. You can be a 5-foot-nothing, 102 pound Jasper and be a full-on, major, complete dick. You can be a statuesque, 5-foot-10, toned, fit woman who eats smart and has that prototypical hourglass figure and be the nicest person in the world. And you can have a woman who is … not that … who is the salt-of-the-earth, regular woman who doesn’t turn anyone’s head one way or another, and she could be the biggest dick out there, stealing other women’s husbands or making commitments they don’t keep without any contact or explanation.
So what’s the key takeaway from all this? Look at me, my friends. I’m standing up here looking ridiculous in these too-tight shorts and Hulkamania shirt. No one should be wearing this. Ever. It’s ridiculous.
When you see me, what do you think? Whatever it is … stop it. Stop it!
The No-Dick life is not about how you look. It’s about what you do., which is the best indication of who you are. If you’re strong, muscular and fit and can use those attributes to make life better for others, that is what you should do. If you can show overwhelming kindness in situations the world would expect you to use brute force to hammer through, all the better. Break the stereotype. Show people that there is no such thing as the stereotype, until there are enough of you overwhelmingly kind muscular people to have a stereotype.
Similarly, if you’re not strong, not fit … do not despair. You’re you! Where are your gifts? What can you do?
We need to stop judging people by how they look. If a woman shows off what you consider too much skin, is that negatively impacting you? No! So why are you judging her? Why are you putting her in a class, a category?
If someone is what you call overweight, what this 21st century American society calls overweight, so what! Are they directly harming you by being overweight? No. They’re not. They merely are trying to get by and get through this life with as much peace as possible. So why not show them some compassion? Why not show them some No-Dick love?
Similarly, if you are that fit and beautiful woman, if you are that toned and muscled-up stud … you’re not absolved from recognizing you have an impact on the world simply by looking how you look. No, you should not be judged or stereotyped because of it. Neither should you be ignorant of the fact that you are, indeed, being judged and stereotyped. The No-Dick life is about dealing with reality, not what should be reality. So be aware. Be cognizant. By all means, be fully, authentically you! But do so with the recognition that, with every breath we take, with every step we take, we have an impact on the world around us, the people around us. The No-Dick thing is to recognize that and pursue a path that can use who we are for the most benefit of others, not ourselves.
Along those same lines, if you are overweight, if you are unhealthy, you, too, are not absolved from recognizing you could be having a dickish impact on those around you. We know being overweight leads to higher medical costs and we know that medical costs in this screwed-up country are out of control. The fit often pay for the unfit when it comes to insurance premiums. That isn’t how things should be, perhaps, but it most definitely is how things are. And the No-Dick Man and the No-Dick Woman deal with how things are today while striving to make the world a better place tomorrow.
So does that mean you’re obligated to work on your fitness? What do you think, my friends? What’s the no-dick thing to do in this situation? Should you feel ashamed if you say the answer is yes? That you’re “fat-shaming?” No more than you should feel bad if you are a beautiful, scantily dressed woman. Are you a slut? Is someone who thinks you’re a slut because of how you dressed “slut-shaming” you? No more than you’re fat-shaming someone for thinking their condition might be impacting your finances.
The point is this: We all have an effect on each other, whatever our size or shape. Those sizes and shapes mean so, so little when compared to how we act. So let’s agree: We should put our attention there. Tattoos, flab, ribbed abs, bulging muscles, C-section scars, stretch marks, piercings, fabulous clothes, sweatpants, jeans in church, short hair on woman, long hair on guys, bald heads on either … who cares!? Who cares, my friends?
Not me. How about you?
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