🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Indy Tickets 🏎️
Bank Visit 💰
When I bought the tickets to the Christmas Eve contest between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Seattle Seahawks as a gift for Boys The Elder & Younger, it was sometime in September and temps hovered around 90 degrees. The thought that the game might be played in subzero weather actually held some appeal at that moment.
Yet when it came time to leave for the three-hour drive across the state of Missourah to Arrowhead Stadium on Christmas Eve morning and we were all dressed like we were about to tackle the Iditarod, the idea of sitting outside watching football and freezing our asses off was a bit less attractive.
The feels-like temperature was -17 when we started the drive at around 6:30 a.m. And that was actually warm by comparison to the previous 36 hours. We’d bottomed out around -35 in the feels-like, and truthfully … that really is the only scale that matters. You can tell me the temperature is 5 degrees, but if it feels like, -35, that’s the freaking temperature.
My own outfit consisted of:
- Regular underwear (calm down, ladies)
- Long underwear
- Sweatpants #1
- Sweatpants #2
- Regular socks
- Heavy wool socks
- Hunting boots rated to -60 protection.
- Thermal long-sleeve undershirt
- Chiefs jersey that no one saw because …
- Heavy winter coat
- Stocking cap #1
- Stocking cap #2
- Thick-ass winter gloves
- Afghan handmade by Wifey Poo
In addition to all of that, we also added Hot Hands, Toe Warmers and Body Patch thingies.
We still froze our asses off … and it was great.
The Chiefs dominated the on-the-field action and easily beat the Seahawks. The stands were filled with freezing fans cheering their butts off for the home team. Four of them were me and my fam — the Core Four. Conversation wasn’t easy, and not because of the crowd noise. It’s hard to talk through a scarf and an Afghan wrapped around your head, harder still to hear through a hoodie and two hats pulled down snuggly over your ears. But it still was an amazing time of memory-making.
Wifey Poo did what Wifey Poo does — selflessly take care of her tribe. She signed up to be a designated driver, which landed her two free hot chocolate coupons. I did the same but got only one coupon. Sexism or something. She, of course, had made a ton of preparations in advance of the day, ensuring we had some snacks and water bottles (which froze solid midway through the first quarter). Wifey Poo is strong at caretaking. I might be the family encourager and able to give talks that inspire action; it’s Wifey Poo who keeps us alive.
We started to warm up about an hour into our return journey toward our Humble Country Home. Those boots might have been rated to protect my toes up to -60 degrees, but if you’re out in nasty cold for five hours or so, they are kinda like France and surrender easily at some point. By the time we pulled into the garage, we were all gloriously tired. The rest of the night consisted of watching A Christmas Story, a Christmas Eve tradition in our family dating back to Boy The Elder’s young years. Sleep was not hard to come by as we awaited Santa’s arrival.
I have watched the Indianapolis 500 on television ever since I was a small boy. Father Dearest would tape the race on our VCR (look it up, kids), and I would watch it over and over and over again while playing on the floor with my Matchbox cars. I watched each race so many times that I could actually do the commentary.
Growing up in Suburbia, New York, the thought of attending the race was a dream. Father Dearest isn’t much for crowds, and the thought of being around several hundred thousand people made his eye twitch. Yet I have always really, really wanted to attend the race in person.
This past summer, I went to my first-ever IndyCar race, at World Wide Technology Raceway just across the Missourah border into Illinois, accompanied by BTE. It was amazeballs. I really wanted to go back this coming summer.
Wifey Poo took that want and raised it. The last present I opened on Christmas morning was from her — tickets to the 2023 Indianapolis 500. I am beyond excited and cannot wait. Between the Indy in May and Metallica in November, I’ve got some great things to look forward to in the coming year.
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Racin’🏎️Heat☀️Gorilla Guy🦍 When I was a small boy, the Indianapolis 500 was must-see TV. I’m not sure exactly how it started, but it must have been around 1978 — when I was a 4-year-old boy who loved Matchbox cars and big wrecks. It was around that time that Pops brought home…Keep reading
The world moves at a much faster pace these days. I’m well aware the reality of that makes us spoiled. It’s easy for me to get bitchy with Amazon when two-day delivery turns into three-day delivery … if I don’t stop and remember my youth of ordering something from a catalog or via a phone call after a TV ad and then waiting six to eight weeks before it arrived.
That said, there are some things that shouldn’t take an hour and a half to do, and opening a checking account should be one of them.
Wifey Poo and I went to Regions Bank on Friday to open a business checking account for my side gig, Johnny Boy Marketing. Over the past month, we’ve done all the work to take this really informal thing and bring structure to it. We talked with an accountant and a lawyer, set up Quickbooks in place of my hodge-podge of Google Docs and Google Sheets, and became an official LLC.
Once the state of Missourah recognized me as a business instead of just a super-awesome dude, I was able to open a bank account totally separate from all our personal stuff. Regions Bank had an offer that pretty easily would give me an extra $500, so there we went.
Now, I’m of the opinion I should have been able to do this at home. I had all the info. If a bank had an option of me just putting all that info into an online form, I’m smart enough to make that happen. I understand there are security risks and the danger that I’m a terrorist setting up the account to funnel money to Muricah’s many global enemies, though our little section of Missourah isn’t exactly known as an international terrorist hotbed (domestic is a different matter). So fine. We had to go in and talk to an actual human being.
That human being was Tara, who was friendly and inviting and personable. We gave her information, she entered it into the system. She asked us questions, we gave her answers. (Side note: One of the questions asked if the business was involved in one of a variety of activities, including casino gambling, ATMs or, get this, escort services. Um, I didn’t know that was an option to legally run in Missourah, and I’m wondering if anyone ever has answered that question in the affirmative. Anywho …)
After entering all our information, Tara called another employee over. The two of them then seemed to go through a litany of screens to ensure the proper info was in the proper places. They repeatedly apologized for how long it was taking and repeatedly explained that they had to enter the same info in multiple places. The older I get, the less I like to put up with these kind of inefficiencies. But hey … it was a few days before Christmas, so I was on my best behavior.
We walked out an hour and a half later with nothing more than a business checking account. Is it just me or should that not take anywhere close to even half that time?
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- The Indy 500 in May
- Metallica in November
- A two-day work week this week!
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Welcome to Issue No. 7 of Listicles, the feature that presents the Top 10, Top 5, Top 3, Top 100 or Top 1,000,000 of whatever it is you want to know about. Email your Listicle suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org. No. 5: I reached out to a friend I have not been shy about sharing that I’ve…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩More Stupid Human Stuff 📱KC Trip ⚾Miserable Missourah 😠 Quick: Take a look around you. If you’re in a room with five other people, one of them thinks you’re financially struggling if you don’t have the latest iPhone. That’s according to a new survey following the release of the iPhone 14.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Loser Species 👶Email Win 📧Dad Pride 👨👦👦 I’m pretty sure I’m not normal. Normal people respond to that statement with, “Oh, John, nobody’s normal,” which is just a sign for us non-normies that the person we’re talking to is normal. Yesterday, I was waiting for Wifey Poo to pick me up…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Concert Thoughts 🧠Marriage 💍Drunk Idiots 🧉 There’s this scene in the 2004 movie Garden State in which Sam (Natalie Portman) looks at Andrew (Zach Braff) and notices … … And yeah, that resonated with me then and resonates with me now. Ever since then, being “in it” has become a thing…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sadness 😥Beautiful Skies ⛅Two Terms For 2022 ✌️ Back in our early days at Pound Ridge Elementary School, Sarah was the fastest girl runner in the class, which bought her some serious playground cred. There were only a few of us boys who could hang with Sarah in the 50-meter dash…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Ear Flushing👂Grunge God🎶Tech Guy📺 If you have to have a doctor tell you a body part or yours is small, I suppose one of the least offensive would be the ear canal. That’s what a doctor told me this morning, after I finally broke down and actually went to said doctor’s…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Toys in the Hall🪅Idiot Governors🗳️Flopping FedEx✈️ Last night in my hotel in Springfield, Missourah, I set out a glass of milk and a plate of cookies before going to bed. It’s not that I don’t know how to read a calendar or have any particular belief in a fat man in…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Which One?🗺️Leave Introverts Alone🤫Oxford Commas🤪 I’m on the road for work this week, in Springfield. Ahhh, but Springfield what? There currently are 35 populated places in the United States named Springfield, spread out over 25 states, including five in Wisconsin. In addition, there are 35 Springfield Townships, and Ohio owns 11…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Surrounded 😷Wood Splitter 🌲Morons 🤪 I’ve had COVID. Twice. The first time fucked up my life for a year. I’m still not back to the me I was before it came into my home, and I’m pretty sure that now, nearly two years later, that’s not going to change. The second…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sunday audible🤒Fantasy Failure 🏈Anal Chess♟️ Sunday was supposed to be a romantic day spent in a canoe with Wifey Poo, the two of us paddling leisurely down the Meramec River. Mother Nature was not in the mood to play wingman and decided to pick the one day in the midst of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Finish Line Scene 🏃♂️Baseball’s Better ⚾M-I-Z! Z-O-UC-H! 🏈 I have never understood the modern-day purpose of running for the sake of running. Sure, I understand it’s a great form of cardiovascular exercise and it’s a convenient way to get from Point A to Point B, yet the desire to strap on…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Book Guy 📚Queen Stuff 👑Bernard Shaw 📺 I’ve decided I want to own a copy of every Stephen King book ever written. That’s about 75 books at the moment. I have a built-in bookcase in my mancave/home office. I don’t think it would hold all 75 in hardcover, but perhaps it…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Beginnings 📚School Start 🚌Real Baseball ⚾ I was thinking this morning on my drive to work how we rarely know when the significant times in our lives begin. So frequently, the most important things that happen to us start with nothing noteworthy. Of course, there are exceptions, the “love-at-first-sight” moments or…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Fallin’ Thoughts 🤕Shinedown 🎸Sleepy 😴 The brain can be surprisingly efficient when the meatsack it’s attached to is in the middle of falling off a ladder while holding a revved-up chainsaw. This, I learned yesterday morning while attempting to saw a limb off a tree that was getting way too close…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Overview📅Fantasy Football🏈Elite Bonding🤼♂️ Days that start with chainsaws and lighter fluid and end with four hours of really good professional wrestling are bound to be added to the “good” column for review when the scales are weighed at the end of a life. Yesterday was such a day for me. In…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Funeral 😢Glimmers ☁️Meat 🥩 If you’re lucky, you’ve had a second mother. Whether your first mother was or is an amazing person who nurtured you and raised you among calm consistency or if she was lacking in certain maternal fundamentals, having a second mother is a blessing. Today, we were there…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩We’re Dumber 👎OnlyFans Thrives 🍑Shinedown 🎵 Official statistics put the COVID death toll in the United States at 1.04 million, with another 713 deaths yesterday. More than 4,000 people are in the ICU right now suffering from what the former Moron-in-Chief called that one person coming from China and a situation…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Dethroned Queen 👑Gravy Wrestling 🤼♂️Dog Talk 🐕 Don’t fuck with the Bucyrus Bratwurst Festival board. That’s a message Abigail Brocwell is learning the hard way. Brocwell was expected to be inaugurated as the queen of the festival in the northern Ohio town earlier this month, but she was stripped of the…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩3, Unassisted ⚾A Sad Day 📅Tracking Your Vagina 🌸 The last time Boy The Younger was on a baseball field, the “coach” of his team removed him from a game in the middle of an inning because I had privately messaged him to not attempt to steal home with my kid…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Hydrogen Issue 🚀Karting 🏎️Lake Life 😌 I was all excited to watch the launch of the moon-bound Artemis 1 rocket this morning, only to see the clock stopped at T-minus 40 minutes because of a “hydrogen issue.” Don’t know about you, but I’m thinking having an issue with hydrogen is a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Karen in Control ⌚Karting 🏎️What podcast? 🎧 In the winter of 1993, I went to a comedy club with a friend and, in the spur of the moment, decided to be one of those who came forward to join the fun and be hypnotized. This was decidedly out of character for…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Little League Flap ⚾Grandpa Joe 🤦Psychedelics 🍄 Boys are interesting creatures who aren’t easily understood. One of the many, many weird things boys do is mercilessly make fun of their best friends. My closest friends in middle school and early in high school were affectionately nicknamed Goon, Tree Frog, Butt and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩 Death Cometh Sooner 💀Twitter Security 🔓Game Over 🌑 Average life expectancy in the United States dropped in 2020 by almost two years in 2020, the biggest decline since World War II. Every state and the District of Columbia saw a drop. Guess it was a little bit more than that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Worm brain 🧠Chicken Big Mac 🐔Eye Twitch 👁️ Caenorhabditis elegans is probably too elegant of a name for something that is really just a disgusting little worm about a millimeter long and most easily found in rotting fruit. It is more commonly known as a lab roundworm and was the first…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Agliata Homeschool Academy 🚌Hypnosis 😳Sunburn 🌞🔥 When you tell people you homeschool your children, you typically receive one of three responses: An enthusiastic: “Oh, that’s so cool!”An I’d-rather-be-dipped-in-acid: “Oh wow! I could never do that!” A you’re-one-of-those-weirdos: “Oh… really… homeschooling, huh?” The percentage for each has changed in the wake…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Indycar 🏎️Best Friends 😎Baseball Irony ⚾ There are certain people who look at car racing as an endless series of left turns. These people are idiots on whom nuance is lost. Boy The Elder and I crossed the border yesterday late-morning to head just past the fine city of East St.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Swine Inflation 🐖Swamp Thing 🎥Phone Calls 📱 Life was different when I went to college in Iowa after growing up in suburban New York City. This isn’t to suggest I was a city kid. I wasn’t. The city was a place we went to a few times a year, and where…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Triple-Threat 🖥️🖥️🖥️Tasmanian Tiger 🐅Video Work 📹 Humans were not meant to stare at laptop screens. At least, humans of a certain age were not meant to stare at laptop screens. I say this after successfully lobbying for a second monitor at work, which effectively turned my laptop screen into a third…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Look Before Brewing ☕Hoop Construction 🏀Nuclear War ☢️ If you’d like an indication of how much of a Monday yesterday was for me, know that I ended up with an orange in my coffee. Well, to be fair, it wasn’t a full-blown orange. It was something called a Cutie, which is…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Weird Date 🪦Nature Walk🌳Bulldog Bath 🐶 If you have a date walking around a cemetery, you’re either weird or goth, and neither Wifey Poo nor I were wearing black today, which I guess tells you all you need to know about us. Old cemeteries are something of a fascination for us,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩So Long, Kid 👨👦Steak Celebration🥩Chip & Joanna 🪚 Regular readers of my drivel know that I’m kind of an emotional guy, which is like saying that Jack kind of could have fit on the spacious floating door with Rose in Titanic. So it should come as no surprise when I say…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Cash 4 IRS 💰Cash 4 Workers 💸Sound of Silence 🤫 Be extra careful on your taxes this year. The IRS is expected to receive nearly $80 billion when The Inflation Reduction Act eventually becomes law, and its plan is to hire 87,000 full-time workers. More than half of the $80 billion…Keep reading