🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
The Walking Dead 🧟
Nose B Gone 👃
Turkey Trouble 🦃
I spent Tuesday night watching the final episodes of The Walking Dead. I have always been the type who can get so lost in a good story that I have really strong emotions (shocker, I know) when it ends. It happens with Stephen King books. It happens with movies. It happened last night, as I said goodbye to the band of misfits that somehow survived the zombie hordes and failed attempts at rebuilding society to make it to the end of Season 11.
I’ll try to keep this as spoiler-free as possible, but proceed at your own risk.
I started watching TWD in 2017 after hearing some co-workers at the time talking about it. For awhile, it was the glue that stuck me to those co-workers. We had something in common to talk about, and as I journeyed through the early seasons, these co-workers were able to relive their own time with characters they fell in love with who died way too soon.
TWD teaches you very quickly to not get too attached to any one character. It showed early and often that it didn’t matter how beloved a character was, they were in constant jeopardy of being written off. That didn’t stop me from becoming a huge fan of Daryl, and a Pop Funko of him with his trust crossbow sits on my desk at work. I’m glad he made it to the end.
Now, more than a half-decade after I started watching TWD, my time at that company is long over, and the relationships that were forged over zombies have been (un)dead longer than that. The person with whom I bonded the most over the show was among those who ghosted me when I took a leave of absence to focus on my mental health, and when I returned she and my other “co-workers” barely spoke a word to me. Let that sink in for a moment.
I was thinking about those folks Tuesday night as I wrapped up the show. Exactly one person showed any sort of support while I was on leave. When I returned, a few people were kind, but the majority either avoided me like I was carrying some sort of zombie virus or were guilty of outright discrimination. It was horrendous and wrong and leaves me very hesitant to speak of my mental health in any sort of public forum.
So like I do most things in my life these days, I ended my journey with Daryl and Carol and Negan and the gang alone. I blogged about the Top 5 Takeaways from the show (see below), so strangers can see my thoughts on the topic. But there’s no one in my life to toss things back and forth with. That makes me sad.
One quote at the end of the last episode really struck me. It was when Judith says to Daryl, “Daryl, you deserve a happy ending too.” I think for so long I’ve been like Daryl. I know that I haven’t thought there was a happy ending in my future. Now, I’m at least open to the possibility, though I remain both wary and weary.
There was another scene at the end that hit home, and here there is a spoiler alert. When Rosita was breathing her last breaths, it was Eugene sitting beside her. She says to him, “I’m glad it was you in the end.” That gives me hope … hope that when my days are drawing to a close, the people who remain will be ones who truly want to be there, who matter.
That’s my hope, at least.
When my boys were babies, both were big fans of the “Got Your Nose” game. You know what I’m talking about … that game wherein you pinch your kid’s nose between your index and middle finger and pull away, sticking your thumb in between the two digits to replicate the child’s stolen honker.
It turns out that game isn’t so funny when it’s played between adults … and when you actually remove a person’s nose … by biting it off … because of a golf grudge.
Such a thing happened recently in Mississippi, though it sure as hell shoulda been a FloriduhMan story. Mark Wells, 51, allegedly sunk his teeth in his victim’s nose in a casino parking lot Monday night after an argument spawned by a golf game the two had played together at a nearby course earlier in the day.
According to the report, the fight escalated over the course of the day — the most no-duh statement I’ve read in a while — and led to the Biloxi resident chomping down on another dude’s nose, ripping it off. Wells then got in his Tesla — an interesting detail there; I wonder if I did that if the report would say that I hopped in my Versa — and drove away.
This man didn’t even show the mercy of Lorena Bobbitt, who (in)famously chopped off her husband’s dingdong and threw it in a ditch while fleeing, thus setting the stage for one horrendous porn career. Wells would not say where he chucked the schnoz. So if you’re walking on any of the routes leading away from that casino, watch where you step.
Welcome to Issue No. 14 of Listicles, the feature that presents the Top 10, Top 5, Top 3, Top 100 or Top 1,000,000 of whatever it is you want to know about. Email your Listicle suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org. ‘The Walking Dead’ came to an end Sunday with a tear-jerker series finally that rewarded those who…Keep reading
I once was in a barn with roughly 100,000 turkeys. This statement carries no significance if you’re, say, a turkey farmer. But when you start out as a kid growing up in Suburbia, New York, well, you’ve had quite the journey.
I tell you about this experience because it taught me to have mad respect for turkeys. You’ve likely heard the story that, before the eagle became our national symbol, there was a strong push by Founding Father Benjamin Franklin to make the turkey The Official Bird of the New Country, Muricah. Well, sadly, that story is a myth. But what is true is that the turkey is a badass bird.
You might not think that if your only experience with a gobbler is when it’s carved and placed on your Thanksgiving table. I know I didn’t. But then I saw 100,000 of them together and realized we better make sure we keep thinning the herd.
Turkeys are violent creatures. So violent are they that we were cautioned when we went into the turkey barn not to fall down because “that could lead to bad things happening.” As soon as we stepped into the barn, I noticed a nearly dead bird lying on its side. Every once in awhile, another turkey would wander over and peck violently at it. This parade of random bullies never seemed to end. Noticing my gaze, the turkey farmer told me, “If we take that bird out, it just leads them to find the next weakest bird and peck him to death.”
What the actual fuck, turkeys?
I tell you this because you might not be a resident of Woburn, Massachusetts (which, side note, is a word I apparently have never learned how to spell. Thank you, Teacher Google). Those residents already know how badass turkeys are. They are being terrorized by a flock of five wild turkeys led by one dubbed Kevin, which is a huge missed opportunity to capitalize on TWD finale. Negan the Turkey sounds much better. But I digress.
You can see a video of these turkeys here, and yeah, maybe that’ll help you realize these birds are nothing to be trifled with. They are big. They are angry. And they have really sharp talons.
Evidently, the turkeys started their campaign of terror two years ago. Though they were initially family friendly, they have since found they do not particularly care for the residents of Woburn and regularly attempt to peck, kick and screech at them. Said Meaghan Tolson, a resident of Woburn, “They don’t let you out of your house. They peck at cars. They stop traffic. They go after kids on bikes. If you’re walking or jogging or anything like that, they come for you.”
It’s those last four words that are so haunting … “They come for you.” Surely Wes Craven or Stephen King have to be working on some horror book or flick called The Gobbler.
One woman posted a video of Kevin standing outside her door staring at her. When she yells at him, Kevin appears to give exactly zero shits.
What’s the lesson here? Don’t fuck with nature. Turkeys were nearly gone from the area until the 1970s. Then, we humans reintroduced them. Now, they are forming roving gangs and terrorizing humans. This is how it ends, folks.
This is how it ends.
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- Boy The Younger has a choir concert tonight.
- I’ve bought all these Christmas gifts for people. Might as well stick around to see their reaction when they open them.
- I really want to see the first elected Turkey president. Well, the second. (rim shot).
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩New Route Home 🏎️Confirmed Weirdness 🤪Here’s Your Sign 🤦 I took a new route home from the western part of Missourah yesterday after doing the whole open-house thing for work in St. Joseph. Rather than shoot down to I-70 and traverse the state on that familiar road, I went across Hwy.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Woo-Woo vs. The Beast 🛻Dart Throwers 🎯My Job 📋 I am not used to driving a tank. My normal vehicle is Woo-Woo, AKA The Shitty Little Car, AKA a Nissan Versa. It’s practical. It gets great gas mileage. I hate it. Woo-Woo normally accelerates as quickly as a child asked to…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Unwitting Guinea Pigs 🐹False Bragging 🦹♂️Put Me In, Coach 🚀 My regular readers (hey, you three!) know that I have a hatred for social media’s influence on society with an intensity rivaled only by the heat of a thousand suns. The latest bit of “Are you fucking kidding me?” comes from…Keep reading
Welcome to Issue No. 7 of Listicles, the feature that presents the Top 10, Top 5, Top 3, Top 100 or Top 1,000,000 of whatever it is you want to know about. Email your Listicle suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org. No. 5: I reached out to a friend I have not been shy about sharing that I’ve…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩More Stupid Human Stuff 📱KC Trip ⚾Miserable Missourah 😠 Quick: Take a look around you. If you’re in a room with five other people, one of them thinks you’re financially struggling if you don’t have the latest iPhone. That’s according to a new survey following the release of the iPhone 14.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Loser Species 👶Email Win 📧Dad Pride 👨👦👦 I’m pretty sure I’m not normal. Normal people respond to that statement with, “Oh, John, nobody’s normal,” which is just a sign for us non-normies that the person we’re talking to is normal. Yesterday, I was waiting for Wifey Poo to pick me up…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Concert Thoughts 🧠Marriage 💍Drunk Idiots 🧉 There’s this scene in the 2004 movie Garden State in which Sam (Natalie Portman) looks at Andrew (Zach Braff) and notices … … And yeah, that resonated with me then and resonates with me now. Ever since then, being “in it” has become a thing…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sadness 😥Beautiful Skies ⛅Two Terms For 2022 ✌️ Back in our early days at Pound Ridge Elementary School, Sarah was the fastest girl runner in the class, which bought her some serious playground cred. There were only a few of us boys who could hang with Sarah in the 50-meter dash…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Ear Flushing👂Grunge God🎶Tech Guy📺 If you have to have a doctor tell you a body part or yours is small, I suppose one of the least offensive would be the ear canal. That’s what a doctor told me this morning, after I finally broke down and actually went to said doctor’s…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Toys in the Hall🪅Idiot Governors🗳️Flopping FedEx✈️ Last night in my hotel in Springfield, Missourah, I set out a glass of milk and a plate of cookies before going to bed. It’s not that I don’t know how to read a calendar or have any particular belief in a fat man in…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Which One?🗺️Leave Introverts Alone🤫Oxford Commas🤪 I’m on the road for work this week, in Springfield. Ahhh, but Springfield what? There currently are 35 populated places in the United States named Springfield, spread out over 25 states, including five in Wisconsin. In addition, there are 35 Springfield Townships, and Ohio owns 11…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Surrounded 😷Wood Splitter 🌲Morons 🤪 I’ve had COVID. Twice. The first time fucked up my life for a year. I’m still not back to the me I was before it came into my home, and I’m pretty sure that now, nearly two years later, that’s not going to change. The second…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sunday audible🤒Fantasy Failure 🏈Anal Chess♟️ Sunday was supposed to be a romantic day spent in a canoe with Wifey Poo, the two of us paddling leisurely down the Meramec River. Mother Nature was not in the mood to play wingman and decided to pick the one day in the midst of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Finish Line Scene 🏃♂️Baseball’s Better ⚾M-I-Z! Z-O-UC-H! 🏈 I have never understood the modern-day purpose of running for the sake of running. Sure, I understand it’s a great form of cardiovascular exercise and it’s a convenient way to get from Point A to Point B, yet the desire to strap on…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Book Guy 📚Queen Stuff 👑Bernard Shaw 📺 I’ve decided I want to own a copy of every Stephen King book ever written. That’s about 75 books at the moment. I have a built-in bookcase in my mancave/home office. I don’t think it would hold all 75 in hardcover, but perhaps it…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Beginnings 📚School Start 🚌Real Baseball ⚾ I was thinking this morning on my drive to work how we rarely know when the significant times in our lives begin. So frequently, the most important things that happen to us start with nothing noteworthy. Of course, there are exceptions, the “love-at-first-sight” moments or…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Fallin’ Thoughts 🤕Shinedown 🎸Sleepy 😴 The brain can be surprisingly efficient when the meatsack it’s attached to is in the middle of falling off a ladder while holding a revved-up chainsaw. This, I learned yesterday morning while attempting to saw a limb off a tree that was getting way too close…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Overview📅Fantasy Football🏈Elite Bonding🤼♂️ Days that start with chainsaws and lighter fluid and end with four hours of really good professional wrestling are bound to be added to the “good” column for review when the scales are weighed at the end of a life. Yesterday was such a day for me. In…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Funeral 😢Glimmers ☁️Meat 🥩 If you’re lucky, you’ve had a second mother. Whether your first mother was or is an amazing person who nurtured you and raised you among calm consistency or if she was lacking in certain maternal fundamentals, having a second mother is a blessing. Today, we were there…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩We’re Dumber 👎OnlyFans Thrives 🍑Shinedown 🎵 Official statistics put the COVID death toll in the United States at 1.04 million, with another 713 deaths yesterday. More than 4,000 people are in the ICU right now suffering from what the former Moron-in-Chief called that one person coming from China and a situation…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Dethroned Queen 👑Gravy Wrestling 🤼♂️Dog Talk 🐕 Don’t fuck with the Bucyrus Bratwurst Festival board. That’s a message Abigail Brocwell is learning the hard way. Brocwell was expected to be inaugurated as the queen of the festival in the northern Ohio town earlier this month, but she was stripped of the…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩3, Unassisted ⚾A Sad Day 📅Tracking Your Vagina 🌸 The last time Boy The Younger was on a baseball field, the “coach” of his team removed him from a game in the middle of an inning because I had privately messaged him to not attempt to steal home with my kid…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Hydrogen Issue 🚀Karting 🏎️Lake Life 😌 I was all excited to watch the launch of the moon-bound Artemis 1 rocket this morning, only to see the clock stopped at T-minus 40 minutes because of a “hydrogen issue.” Don’t know about you, but I’m thinking having an issue with hydrogen is a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Karen in Control ⌚Karting 🏎️What podcast? 🎧 In the winter of 1993, I went to a comedy club with a friend and, in the spur of the moment, decided to be one of those who came forward to join the fun and be hypnotized. This was decidedly out of character for…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Little League Flap ⚾Grandpa Joe 🤦Psychedelics 🍄 Boys are interesting creatures who aren’t easily understood. One of the many, many weird things boys do is mercilessly make fun of their best friends. My closest friends in middle school and early in high school were affectionately nicknamed Goon, Tree Frog, Butt and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩 Death Cometh Sooner 💀Twitter Security 🔓Game Over 🌑 Average life expectancy in the United States dropped in 2020 by almost two years in 2020, the biggest decline since World War II. Every state and the District of Columbia saw a drop. Guess it was a little bit more than that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Worm brain 🧠Chicken Big Mac 🐔Eye Twitch 👁️ Caenorhabditis elegans is probably too elegant of a name for something that is really just a disgusting little worm about a millimeter long and most easily found in rotting fruit. It is more commonly known as a lab roundworm and was the first…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Agliata Homeschool Academy 🚌Hypnosis 😳Sunburn 🌞🔥 When you tell people you homeschool your children, you typically receive one of three responses: An enthusiastic: “Oh, that’s so cool!”An I’d-rather-be-dipped-in-acid: “Oh wow! I could never do that!” A you’re-one-of-those-weirdos: “Oh… really… homeschooling, huh?” The percentage for each has changed in the wake…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Indycar 🏎️Best Friends 😎Baseball Irony ⚾ There are certain people who look at car racing as an endless series of left turns. These people are idiots on whom nuance is lost. Boy The Elder and I crossed the border yesterday late-morning to head just past the fine city of East St.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Swine Inflation 🐖Swamp Thing 🎥Phone Calls 📱 Life was different when I went to college in Iowa after growing up in suburban New York City. This isn’t to suggest I was a city kid. I wasn’t. The city was a place we went to a few times a year, and where…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Triple-Threat 🖥️🖥️🖥️Tasmanian Tiger 🐅Video Work 📹 Humans were not meant to stare at laptop screens. At least, humans of a certain age were not meant to stare at laptop screens. I say this after successfully lobbying for a second monitor at work, which effectively turned my laptop screen into a third…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Look Before Brewing ☕Hoop Construction 🏀Nuclear War ☢️ If you’d like an indication of how much of a Monday yesterday was for me, know that I ended up with an orange in my coffee. Well, to be fair, it wasn’t a full-blown orange. It was something called a Cutie, which is…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Weird Date 🪦Nature Walk🌳Bulldog Bath 🐶 If you have a date walking around a cemetery, you’re either weird or goth, and neither Wifey Poo nor I were wearing black today, which I guess tells you all you need to know about us. Old cemeteries are something of a fascination for us,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩So Long, Kid 👨👦Steak Celebration🥩Chip & Joanna 🪚 Regular readers of my drivel know that I’m kind of an emotional guy, which is like saying that Jack kind of could have fit on the spacious floating door with Rose in Titanic. So it should come as no surprise when I say…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Cash 4 IRS 💰Cash 4 Workers 💸Sound of Silence 🤫 Be extra careful on your taxes this year. The IRS is expected to receive nearly $80 billion when The Inflation Reduction Act eventually becomes law, and its plan is to hire 87,000 full-time workers. More than half of the $80 billion…Keep reading