🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Weird Wound Treatment 🧂
Phillies Bring Doom ⚾
Meetings Suck 👎🏽
Apparently, I’ll take medical advice from waitresses and allow myself to receive medical treatment from busboys. This, I learned last night.
I have a tendency to get hurt in really interesting ways. When I tell you that I once got a concussion while singing — and that that isn’t even the weirdest of my injuries — I’m not making it up. That honor goes to the foot that was broken when a dude dropped a full coin box from an arcade game on it.
Last night, there was blood. A lot of blood.
I was at a restaurant as the guy overseeing a work dinner for a group of about 20 people we have in town for training. While I was talking to two of the guys, I put my hand down on the table … the same table at which I’d been sitting for a half an hour without incident. This time, though, I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in my left index finger.
When I looked down, I saw a piece of glass barely sticking out of it. I also saw dark red blood begin to flow. A lot of dark red blood.
Instinctively, I pulled at the end of the glass. That exposed tip was like the glacier that sunk the Titanic in that it was attached to a much larger shard that was so deep in my finger it was hitting bone. As I yanked it from my finger, blood spurted out.
For the next 20 minutes, I went through napkin after napkin, trying to stem the flow to no avail. I soaked through two Band-Aids, and then the waitress brought over a pepper shaker.
She told me that ground pepper is a good coagulant, and instead of using the phone in my pocket or asking anyone else if they’d ever heard of this being an actual medical treatment for an open wound, I just let this extremely nice, extremely apologetic, extremely young waitress shake a mound of pepper onto my gushing finger.
That’s when the busboy showed up with a roll of gauze. I gotta give it to this guy: He took command of the scene, re-peppering my finger before carefully unrolling the gauze and encircling my wounded finger with it.
“Hey,” he said. “Look at that. I’m already wearing a glove.”
And he was. One blue glove. Silly me thought that he’d put that glove on when he heard a customer had sprung a leak. Apparently, however, he was, like, washing dishes or cleaning out the clog from a urinal while wearing it, prior to transforming into Dr. House.
This morning, I cleaned off the blood-hardened pepper and saw a really nasty gash that thankfully doesn’t need stitches. I’m quite sure it will eventually become infected with some food-borne bacteria that was on the pepper or the glove, but I figure if I lose a finger, it’ll be my own damn fault.
The Philadelphia Phillies made the MLB playoffs, which start Friday. This is a bad sign for Muricah. Every time the Phillies have won the World Series over the past 100 years, there has been a severe economic collapse. The Phillies have won four World Series titles in that timespan —
- 1929, 1930 (The Great Depression)
- 1980 (Post-Carter collapse)
- 2008 (Near-economic meltdown brought on by, among other things, bank failures and the home loan crisis)
I know I live near St. Louis and am married to a Cardinal-loving woman, but the entire country should be rooting for the Redbirds when their series against the Phils kicks off Friday.
A survey by Otter.ai found that employees spend an average of 18 hours a week in noncritical meetings. That cost companies about $25,000 per employee in wasted time/lost productivity, according to the data.
I once worked at a place in which a day wasn’t a day unless you had a minimum of, like, four meetings. Many of the managers wore their daily meeting tally like badges of honor, similar to how fighter pilots mark their kills with logos on their planes.
“How many did you get today?”
“Six. Try harder tomorrow, will you?”
The most I had in one day was nine. None of them accomplished anything, and I actually needed to be at maybe one.
I made it my mission as I worked toward exiting that company to cancel as many meetings as possible. I’d actually, ya know, talk to people face-to-face at their cube and do the work that needed to be done, then go to the meeting organizer to show the results and say, “So…. we really don’t need to meet then, do we?”
I felt great joy when I saw the meeting cancellation notice hit my inbox, but some managers were like babies without their binkies or a puppy during a thunderstorm.
I have had maybe eight meetings total in the three-plus months I’ve been at my current company. It’s amazing how much work people can actually get done when they’re not sitting in a room listening to the same people who always seem to need to be heard go on and on and on and on and …
Welcome to Issue No. 9 of Listicles, the feature that presents the Top 10, Top 5, Top 3, Top 100 or Top 1,000,000 of whatever it is you want to know about. Email your Listicle suggestions to email@example.com. It made sense back in 2015 when I stopped owning SUVs and transitioned to what I call…Keep reading
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- I need time to research other uses for pepper beyond food seasoning and wound cure.
- I’m looking forward to a wood-splitting weekend.
- Cooler weather this weekend … highs in only the 60s! Yay!
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Ear Flushing👂Grunge God🎶Tech Guy📺 If you have to have a doctor tell you a body part or yours is small, I suppose one of the least offensive would be the ear canal. That’s what a doctor told me this morning, after I finally broke down and actually went to said doctor’s…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Toys in the Hall🪅Idiot Governors🗳️Flopping FedEx✈️ Last night in my hotel in Springfield, Missourah, I set out a glass of milk and a plate of cookies before going to bed. It’s not that I don’t know how to read a calendar or have any particular belief in a fat man in…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Which One?🗺️Leave Introverts Alone🤫Oxford Commas🤪 I’m on the road for work this week, in Springfield. Ahhh, but Springfield what? There currently are 35 populated places in the United States named Springfield, spread out over 25 states, including five in Wisconsin. In addition, there are 35 Springfield Townships, and Ohio owns 11…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Surrounded 😷Wood Splitter 🌲Morons 🤪 I’ve had COVID. Twice. The first time fucked up my life for a year. I’m still not back to the me I was before it came into my home, and I’m pretty sure that now, nearly two years later, that’s not going to change. The second…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sunday audible🤒Fantasy Failure 🏈Anal Chess♟️ Sunday was supposed to be a romantic day spent in a canoe with Wifey Poo, the two of us paddling leisurely down the Meramec River. Mother Nature was not in the mood to play wingman and decided to pick the one day in the midst of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Finish Line Scene 🏃♂️Baseball’s Better ⚾M-I-Z! Z-O-UC-H! 🏈 I have never understood the modern-day purpose of running for the sake of running. Sure, I understand it’s a great form of cardiovascular exercise and it’s a convenient way to get from Point A to Point B, yet the desire to strap on…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Book Guy 📚Queen Stuff 👑Bernard Shaw 📺 I’ve decided I want to own a copy of every Stephen King book ever written. That’s about 75 books at the moment. I have a built-in bookcase in my mancave/home office. I don’t think it would hold all 75 in hardcover, but perhaps it…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Beginnings 📚School Start 🚌Real Baseball ⚾ I was thinking this morning on my drive to work how we rarely know when the significant times in our lives begin. So frequently, the most important things that happen to us start with nothing noteworthy. Of course, there are exceptions, the “love-at-first-sight” moments or…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Fallin’ Thoughts 🤕Shinedown 🎸Sleepy 😴 The brain can be surprisingly efficient when the meatsack it’s attached to is in the middle of falling off a ladder while holding a revved-up chainsaw. This, I learned yesterday morning while attempting to saw a limb off a tree that was getting way too close…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Overview📅Fantasy Football🏈Elite Bonding🤼♂️ Days that start with chainsaws and lighter fluid and end with four hours of really good professional wrestling are bound to be added to the “good” column for review when the scales are weighed at the end of a life. Yesterday was such a day for me. In…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Funeral 😢Glimmers ☁️Meat 🥩 If you’re lucky, you’ve had a second mother. Whether your first mother was or is an amazing person who nurtured you and raised you among calm consistency or if she was lacking in certain maternal fundamentals, having a second mother is a blessing. Today, we were there…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩We’re Dumber 👎OnlyFans Thrives 🍑Shinedown 🎵 Official statistics put the COVID death toll in the United States at 1.04 million, with another 713 deaths yesterday. More than 4,000 people are in the ICU right now suffering from what the former Moron-in-Chief called that one person coming from China and a situation…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Dethroned Queen 👑Gravy Wrestling 🤼♂️Dog Talk 🐕 Don’t fuck with the Bucyrus Bratwurst Festival board. That’s a message Abigail Brocwell is learning the hard way. Brocwell was expected to be inaugurated as the queen of the festival in the northern Ohio town earlier this month, but she was stripped of the…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩3, Unassisted ⚾A Sad Day 📅Tracking Your Vagina 🌸 The last time Boy The Younger was on a baseball field, the “coach” of his team removed him from a game in the middle of an inning because I had privately messaged him to not attempt to steal home with my kid…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Hydrogen Issue 🚀Karting 🏎️Lake Life 😌 I was all excited to watch the launch of the moon-bound Artemis 1 rocket this morning, only to see the clock stopped at T-minus 40 minutes because of a “hydrogen issue.” Don’t know about you, but I’m thinking having an issue with hydrogen is a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Karen in Control ⌚Karting 🏎️What podcast? 🎧 In the winter of 1993, I went to a comedy club with a friend and, in the spur of the moment, decided to be one of those who came forward to join the fun and be hypnotized. This was decidedly out of character for…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Little League Flap ⚾Grandpa Joe 🤦Psychedelics 🍄 Boys are interesting creatures who aren’t easily understood. One of the many, many weird things boys do is mercilessly make fun of their best friends. My closest friends in middle school and early in high school were affectionately nicknamed Goon, Tree Frog, Butt and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩 Death Cometh Sooner 💀Twitter Security 🔓Game Over 🌑 Average life expectancy in the United States dropped in 2020 by almost two years in 2020, the biggest decline since World War II. Every state and the District of Columbia saw a drop. Guess it was a little bit more than that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Worm brain 🧠Chicken Big Mac 🐔Eye Twitch 👁️ Caenorhabditis elegans is probably too elegant of a name for something that is really just a disgusting little worm about a millimeter long and most easily found in rotting fruit. It is more commonly known as a lab roundworm and was the first…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Agliata Homeschool Academy 🚌Hypnosis 😳Sunburn 🌞🔥 When you tell people you homeschool your children, you typically receive one of three responses: An enthusiastic: “Oh, that’s so cool!”An I’d-rather-be-dipped-in-acid: “Oh wow! I could never do that!” A you’re-one-of-those-weirdos: “Oh… really… homeschooling, huh?” The percentage for each has changed in the wake…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Indycar 🏎️Best Friends 😎Baseball Irony ⚾ There are certain people who look at car racing as an endless series of left turns. These people are idiots on whom nuance is lost. Boy The Elder and I crossed the border yesterday late-morning to head just past the fine city of East St.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Swine Inflation 🐖Swamp Thing 🎥Phone Calls 📱 Life was different when I went to college in Iowa after growing up in suburban New York City. This isn’t to suggest I was a city kid. I wasn’t. The city was a place we went to a few times a year, and where…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Triple-Threat 🖥️🖥️🖥️Tasmanian Tiger 🐅Video Work 📹 Humans were not meant to stare at laptop screens. At least, humans of a certain age were not meant to stare at laptop screens. I say this after successfully lobbying for a second monitor at work, which effectively turned my laptop screen into a third…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Look Before Brewing ☕Hoop Construction 🏀Nuclear War ☢️ If you’d like an indication of how much of a Monday yesterday was for me, know that I ended up with an orange in my coffee. Well, to be fair, it wasn’t a full-blown orange. It was something called a Cutie, which is…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Weird Date 🪦Nature Walk🌳Bulldog Bath 🐶 If you have a date walking around a cemetery, you’re either weird or goth, and neither Wifey Poo nor I were wearing black today, which I guess tells you all you need to know about us. Old cemeteries are something of a fascination for us,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩So Long, Kid 👨👦Steak Celebration🥩Chip & Joanna 🪚 Regular readers of my drivel know that I’m kind of an emotional guy, which is like saying that Jack kind of could have fit on the spacious floating door with Rose in Titanic. So it should come as no surprise when I say…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Cash 4 IRS 💰Cash 4 Workers 💸Sound of Silence 🤫 Be extra careful on your taxes this year. The IRS is expected to receive nearly $80 billion when The Inflation Reduction Act eventually becomes law, and its plan is to hire 87,000 full-time workers. More than half of the $80 billion…Keep reading