🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Dethroned Queen 👑
Gravy Wrestling 🤼♂️
Dog Talk 🐕
Don’t fuck with the Bucyrus Bratwurst Festival board. That’s a message Abigail Brocwell is learning the hard way.
Brocwell was expected to be inaugurated as the queen of the festival in the northern Ohio town earlier this month, but she was stripped of the crown because she ate where she wasn’t supposed to.
First, let’s get out of the way that, yes, it’s awesome that Muricah is a land of not only bratwurst festivals but also bratwurst festival queens. I’m with you.
Next, lets talk about the honors and duties of the queen and the happenings at the festival. The best thing I saw was that the queen gets to take the ceremonial first bite of the festival bratwurst, but I could be persuaded to say that the fact the festival has a longest pigtails contest is pretty boss too.
Now, let’s get to the meat of the bratwurst flap. On Aug. 3, Brocwell and her court (you didn’t think she was the only bratwurst royalty, did you?) were told to stop attending other festivals around the state as a representative of the Bucyrus Bratwurst Festival.
Shots fired, yo.
Brocwell and Company evidently used their actions to tell the board to stick their sausage where the sun don’t shine and attended other festivals anyway — sans royal sash.
Brocwell attended a luncheon at another festival exclusively reserved for visiting royalty.
Oh … snap!
“The board explained to Ms. Brocwell that by attending the luncheon, she interrupted the duties of another girl who had been delegated as a Bratwurst Festival representative, as directed by the board, for that luncheon,” wrote Board President Adam Heinlen, who seems to take bratwurst-related things very seriously.
Well Brocwell wasn’t taking that shit lying down. She told a reporter: “They wrote my name down and wrote ‘visitor’ underneath it and we paid with our own check.”
In other words, “Fuck you, Adam Heinlen.”
Ahh, but Heinlen’s got rules to cite. He pointed to a photo of Brocwell in which she had a cell phone in her hand! And the rules explicitly state that’s a Bratwurst Queen No-No.
But that’s not all!
In the photo, Brocwell wasn’t wearing a dirndl and apron!
Oh the humanity!
And a dirndl is evidently some sort of traditional dress worn in Germany, Switzerland and Austria. I looked that shit up.
But it gets even better. E. Roberta Wade, who is Brocwell’s … wait for it … wait for it … lawyer (!!!!!) is asking the board to “right this wrong” because its “drastic action” was “very damaging to Abigail Brocwell.”
Which leads me to remind everyone involved … we’re talking about bratwursts! Have you ever seen anyone make bratwursts? Do you know what bratwursts are made from?!?!?
I hope Abigail can someday recover.
But that isn’t the old food-related item the news fairies have sprinkled on us. Oh no. We’ve got two more.
- A truck accident splashed 150,000 tomatoes all over Interstate 80 in California on Monday. Now, sadly, four people were injured. Three of them were Italian grandmothers whose souls were hurt mourning the loss of so much potentially great gravy.
- And speaking of gravy of a different sort, the World Gravy Wrestling Championships were held for the first time in two years (thanks, COVID) in northwest England. The event raises money for a local Hospice. “It’s very messy,” said a local pub owner. FYI, if you bet on Lloyd Clarkson to win the men’s title and Imogen Young to bag the women’s crown, you win!
Did you know my dog talks? Well, when I’m around, she does. Luna is my very ugly, very cute, very damaged bulldog whom we adopted in January after she was pretty much used up and cast aside by a breeder whom I never met and want to die a painful death. Since she came into our home, she’s gradually come out of her shell and actually is kind of like a dog now.
Early on, I started talking for Luna. Call it improv … or another sign of my fragile mental situation … but it’s fun. I’ve given Luna an entire on-the-spot backstory. Among Luna’s adventures:
- She runs a midnight fight club in our basement.
- She went to Yale.
- She exists outside space and time, which is important to know when I tell you …
- She traveled with Magellan.
- She played for the New York Knicks.
- Her best friends in the house are Henry and Esther, two of Wifey Poo’s house plants. (Oh, and by the way, Esther is a CIA operative. Shhh.)
- She doesn’t like to be told what to do and will loudly insist “I have agency!”
There’s more. A lot more. But I’ve probably said enough for one day.
Welcome to Issue No. 3 of Listicles, the feature that presents the Top 10, Top 5, Top 3, Top 100 or Top 1,000,000 of whatever it is you want to know about. Email your Listicle suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org. There was a time that being relatively healthy was easy. I just simply existed. I could eat…Keep reading
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- I’ll say it again: Fall weather can’t be too far away, right!?!?!?
- It’s almost Green Day month!
- I got a new job with my side gig, Johnny Boy Marketing.
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Concert Thoughts 🧠Marriage 💍Drunk Idiots 🧉 There’s this scene in the 2004 movie Garden State in which Sam (Natalie Portman) looks at Andrew (Zach Braff) and notices … … And yeah, that resonated with me then and resonates with me now. Ever since then, being “in it” has become a thing…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sadness 😥Beautiful Skies ⛅Two Terms For 2022 ✌️ Back in our early days at Pound Ridge Elementary School, Sarah was the fastest girl runner in the class, which bought her some serious playground cred. There were only a few of us boys who could hang with Sarah in the 50-meter dash…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Ear Flushing👂Grunge God🎶Tech Guy📺 If you have to have a doctor tell you a body part or yours is small, I suppose one of the least offensive would be the ear canal. That’s what a doctor told me this morning, after I finally broke down and actually went to said doctor’s…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Toys in the Hall🪅Idiot Governors🗳️Flopping FedEx✈️ Last night in my hotel in Springfield, Missourah, I set out a glass of milk and a plate of cookies before going to bed. It’s not that I don’t know how to read a calendar or have any particular belief in a fat man in…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Which One?🗺️Leave Introverts Alone🤫Oxford Commas🤪 I’m on the road for work this week, in Springfield. Ahhh, but Springfield what? There currently are 35 populated places in the United States named Springfield, spread out over 25 states, including five in Wisconsin. In addition, there are 35 Springfield Townships, and Ohio owns 11…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Surrounded 😷Wood Splitter 🌲Morons 🤪 I’ve had COVID. Twice. The first time fucked up my life for a year. I’m still not back to the me I was before it came into my home, and I’m pretty sure that now, nearly two years later, that’s not going to change. The second…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sunday audible🤒Fantasy Failure 🏈Anal Chess♟️ Sunday was supposed to be a romantic day spent in a canoe with Wifey Poo, the two of us paddling leisurely down the Meramec River. Mother Nature was not in the mood to play wingman and decided to pick the one day in the midst of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Finish Line Scene 🏃♂️Baseball’s Better ⚾M-I-Z! Z-O-UC-H! 🏈 I have never understood the modern-day purpose of running for the sake of running. Sure, I understand it’s a great form of cardiovascular exercise and it’s a convenient way to get from Point A to Point B, yet the desire to strap on…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Book Guy 📚Queen Stuff 👑Bernard Shaw 📺 I’ve decided I want to own a copy of every Stephen King book ever written. That’s about 75 books at the moment. I have a built-in bookcase in my mancave/home office. I don’t think it would hold all 75 in hardcover, but perhaps it…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Beginnings 📚School Start 🚌Real Baseball ⚾ I was thinking this morning on my drive to work how we rarely know when the significant times in our lives begin. So frequently, the most important things that happen to us start with nothing noteworthy. Of course, there are exceptions, the “love-at-first-sight” moments or…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Fallin’ Thoughts 🤕Shinedown 🎸Sleepy 😴 The brain can be surprisingly efficient when the meatsack it’s attached to is in the middle of falling off a ladder while holding a revved-up chainsaw. This, I learned yesterday morning while attempting to saw a limb off a tree that was getting way too close…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Overview📅Fantasy Football🏈Elite Bonding🤼♂️ Days that start with chainsaws and lighter fluid and end with four hours of really good professional wrestling are bound to be added to the “good” column for review when the scales are weighed at the end of a life. Yesterday was such a day for me. In…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Funeral 😢Glimmers ☁️Meat 🥩 If you’re lucky, you’ve had a second mother. Whether your first mother was or is an amazing person who nurtured you and raised you among calm consistency or if she was lacking in certain maternal fundamentals, having a second mother is a blessing. Today, we were there…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩We’re Dumber 👎OnlyFans Thrives 🍑Shinedown 🎵 Official statistics put the COVID death toll in the United States at 1.04 million, with another 713 deaths yesterday. More than 4,000 people are in the ICU right now suffering from what the former Moron-in-Chief called that one person coming from China and a situation…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩3, Unassisted ⚾A Sad Day 📅Tracking Your Vagina 🌸 The last time Boy The Younger was on a baseball field, the “coach” of his team removed him from a game in the middle of an inning because I had privately messaged him to not attempt to steal home with my kid…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Hydrogen Issue 🚀Karting 🏎️Lake Life 😌 I was all excited to watch the launch of the moon-bound Artemis 1 rocket this morning, only to see the clock stopped at T-minus 40 minutes because of a “hydrogen issue.” Don’t know about you, but I’m thinking having an issue with hydrogen is a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Karen in Control ⌚Karting 🏎️What podcast? 🎧 In the winter of 1993, I went to a comedy club with a friend and, in the spur of the moment, decided to be one of those who came forward to join the fun and be hypnotized. This was decidedly out of character for…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Little League Flap ⚾Grandpa Joe 🤦Psychedelics 🍄 Boys are interesting creatures who aren’t easily understood. One of the many, many weird things boys do is mercilessly make fun of their best friends. My closest friends in middle school and early in high school were affectionately nicknamed Goon, Tree Frog, Butt and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩 Death Cometh Sooner 💀Twitter Security 🔓Game Over 🌑 Average life expectancy in the United States dropped in 2020 by almost two years in 2020, the biggest decline since World War II. Every state and the District of Columbia saw a drop. Guess it was a little bit more than that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Worm brain 🧠Chicken Big Mac 🐔Eye Twitch 👁️ Caenorhabditis elegans is probably too elegant of a name for something that is really just a disgusting little worm about a millimeter long and most easily found in rotting fruit. It is more commonly known as a lab roundworm and was the first…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Agliata Homeschool Academy 🚌Hypnosis 😳Sunburn 🌞🔥 When you tell people you homeschool your children, you typically receive one of three responses: An enthusiastic: “Oh, that’s so cool!”An I’d-rather-be-dipped-in-acid: “Oh wow! I could never do that!” A you’re-one-of-those-weirdos: “Oh… really… homeschooling, huh?” The percentage for each has changed in the wake…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Indycar 🏎️Best Friends 😎Baseball Irony ⚾ There are certain people who look at car racing as an endless series of left turns. These people are idiots on whom nuance is lost. Boy The Elder and I crossed the border yesterday late-morning to head just past the fine city of East St.…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Swine Inflation 🐖Swamp Thing 🎥Phone Calls 📱 Life was different when I went to college in Iowa after growing up in suburban New York City. This isn’t to suggest I was a city kid. I wasn’t. The city was a place we went to a few times a year, and where…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Triple-Threat 🖥️🖥️🖥️Tasmanian Tiger 🐅Video Work 📹 Humans were not meant to stare at laptop screens. At least, humans of a certain age were not meant to stare at laptop screens. I say this after successfully lobbying for a second monitor at work, which effectively turned my laptop screen into a third…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Look Before Brewing ☕Hoop Construction 🏀Nuclear War ☢️ If you’d like an indication of how much of a Monday yesterday was for me, know that I ended up with an orange in my coffee. Well, to be fair, it wasn’t a full-blown orange. It was something called a Cutie, which is…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Weird Date 🪦Nature Walk🌳Bulldog Bath 🐶 If you have a date walking around a cemetery, you’re either weird or goth, and neither Wifey Poo nor I were wearing black today, which I guess tells you all you need to know about us. Old cemeteries are something of a fascination for us,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩So Long, Kid 👨👦Steak Celebration🥩Chip & Joanna 🪚 Regular readers of my drivel know that I’m kind of an emotional guy, which is like saying that Jack kind of could have fit on the spacious floating door with Rose in Titanic. So it should come as no surprise when I say…Keep reading