woman biting her lips

Top 5 Little Annoying Things That Can Ruin Your Day

Welcome to Issue No. 4 of Listicles, the feature that presents the Top 10, Top 5, Top 3, Top 100 or Top 1,000,000 of whatever it is you want to know about. Email your Listicle suggestions to johnagliata@gmail.com.

We all know what the big things are that can take a good day and make it one deserving of a throat punch. Flat tires. Getting mugged. A visit from human resources. But what about those lesser things?

While these things might not be as serious as having your ass whooped by members of a street gang or blowing a tire while going 75 mph on the interstate, they do, indeed, suck. See if you agree with The Top 5 Little Annoying Things That Can Ruin Your Day.


No. 5: Absentmindedly eating the last of something without knowing it was the last of something

Let he who has not mistakenly eaten the last McDonald’s French fry without realizing it was the last McDonald’s French fry cast the first stone. What sucks about this is there’s no ability to prepare for the inevitable. We all know that last fry or chip or rib or chicken pot pie is eventually going to be gone; we just aren’t ready for it to be gone so soon. We’ve had no chance to savor The Last. We eat Lasts differently than we eat Firsts and all those irrelevant Middles. Not getting to enjoy a Last sucks, and that can ruin your day.


No. 4: Forgetting your headphones

The world is a loud place full of stupid people who listen to shitty music. Ending up someplace and realizing you have no way to noise-cancel your way to serenity absolutely sucks. This includes family parties, visits to the DMV, religious services/funerals, kids’ music recitals and work.


No. 3: Not putting a coffee mug under the coffeemaker

Mornings are hard and expecting us to operate heavy machinery is stupid. Oh, what’s that? You don’t think a coffeemaker is heavy machinery? At 5 a.m. on a Monday morning in January it sure as hell is. I imagine there are coffeemakers out there that won’t brew the little K-Cup crap if there’s not a mug underneath to catch the liquid gold that spews forth. I also imagine those coffeemakers are owned by people who can Scrooge McDuck with their money.


No. 2: Thinking all knives are like your old knives

Who has time to sharpen knives? Most of us operate under the theory that we’ll use the set we were given as a wedding gift until it is nothing more than a not-so-effective paperweight. Then we will grudgingly spend as little as possible on a new set. And that’s when the trouble begins. When you’re working with 20-year-old knives, you can do some Chris Angel Mindfreak shit with nary a scratch, including run it across your neck like you’re O.J. Simpson making a late-night house call. But once you get a new set? Those bad habits are going to lead to a lot of blood.


No. 1: Biting your lip

It’s not that biting your lip in and of itself is particularly awful. There are far worse immediate pains. No. What’s truly awful is the knowledge that, for what seems like the rest of your life, you’re going to be interrupting every single meal, no matter where you are or who you’re with, screaming “FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!” when you bite your lip in the same exactly spot again … and again … and again … and again. And just when you think your lip is healed and there is no more pain to come, you’ll pop a chip in your mouth and …. fuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK … you’ll do it again. Even worse, don’t even think about eating anything that contains salt, vinegar or spice while the masticated spot attempts to mend. It’s best to just give up and switch to a liquid diet spit directly into your baby-bird style until you’re 1,000% sure it’s all better.


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