🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Coffee Seltzer ☕
I like to make fun of Matt Damon. I know this comes from a place of deep-seated insecurity because Matt Damon is, well, Matt Damon and I am not. Yet it’s fun to make fun of Matt Damon, precisely because he is Matt Damon — all Bostony and handsome and successful.
Yet I thought I had something legit to make fun of him for with his foray into the world of cryptocurrency through his commercials with the tagline “Fortune favors the brave.” Listen, I get it: Everyone’s got a price, and you could theoretically pay me enough money to endorse a children’s toy made out of shards of broken glass and chunks of anthrax. Yet Damon — and other celebs like him — actually believed in this whole crypto thing, placing their own hard-earned acting cash into currency other than the Almighty Amuricahns Dawla.
Turns out that while fortune may favor the brave, it doesn’t favor the stupid.
And that’s really what crypto investments are at this point: Stupid. It’s a thing born out of conspiracy theories and illicit websites run by nerdy people who don’t necessarily play well with others. I watched a Netflix doc recently on a whole bunch of people who put a whole bunch of money into this crypto exchange — only to not be able to get it out when the founder either died or absconded with their money, having plastic surgery to alter his appearance before going into hiding.
That sucks. I get it. But, um, you do realize you put your “money” into something that was merely a website, right? I have a website. This website. Johnagliata.com. You can give me money here if you’d like to, but ya know what happens if I don’t pay the annual domain registration fee? Poof. It’s gone. All the content. All my witticisms. All my angsty complaining. Gone. Even this masterpiece. Gone.
I truly understand the lack of trust in Amuricah’s institutions these days. Just a few winter’s ago, we were one National Guard unit away from a complete overthrow of our democracy — at least temporarily. Throughout the comparably short history of our national banks, those who run them have done incredibly devious things that have cost people their fortunes. Yet I still have a little more faith in them than I do Matt Damon or some crypto nut with a stockpile of MRE’s and AR-15s.
So I read the news this morning about how the total value of crypto currencies fell $1 trillion … yesterday (!!!!) … and I wondered how Matt Damon was doing. I wondered if he’d put his money in the Celsius Network, which recently was valued at $3 billion and Sunday announced that if you’d like to withdraw any money or transfer it to, ya know, a bank or something, you just … can’t. Due to “extreme market conditions,” the company froze all assets, justifying it by saying they’re taking the step to put itself in a better position down the road.
So, coolio if you need to buy groceries with your crypto down the road. But get to foraging for now. And if you’ve got a problem with that, you can take it directly to all those oversight boards that regul…. oh…. wait. Never mind.
I took my talents to a coffee shop in Kirkwood, Missourah, yesterday and ordered a cappuccino. I like cappuccinos. It makes me feel like an Italian gangster to sip one, and I gotta tell ya, it makes me feel special when the barista makes a heart or a seahorse design with the foam.
The particular place I went, Kaldi’s Coffee, is an old fav of mine. I used to go there when I worked at a previous job and needed a good dose of caffeine and seahorses even to walk through those doors for another day of hell. They serve their cappuccinos with a side of two chocolate-covered espresso beans (yum) … and a glass of seltzer water.
Now, I like a good seltzer water. It’s fine for what it is … fizzy water. I’m just not sure I understand the pairing with cappuccino. That said, did I drink it?
My time as a chicken wrangler is coming to an end. The chicken owners are set to return from their lake vacation tomorrow, which means I will be absolved of all responsibilities for keeping these things alive and stealing their would-be babies for my breakfasts and Breakfast For Dinners.
Stupid Chicken is still being Stupid Chicken — last to get her ass in the coop every single night. Me and Gertrude have become fast friends. And Billy the Rooster is my new best friend.
I’m gonna miss these chickens. Not Stupid Chicken. The rest of them? Sure. But not Stupid Chicken.
(For those who have missed the ongoing Chicken-Sitting Saga, shame on you, where have you been? Check out the archives, yo.)
In Other Writing …
Top 5 Things You’ll Learn If You Read This Whole Thing: Kids who grow up on communes aren’t very clean Baths can cause people to fart. Russians suck at coming up with excuses. Sweden has to look to Denmark for smart people who can solve their problems. Fish farts almost led to nuclear war. Bath…Keep reading
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- Boys The Elder & Younger will travel with me tomorrow to a professional wrasslin’ event — AEW Dynamite!
- Chicken duties call.
- Gotta wait until I can get my crypto investments back.
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Tater Tots🥔The Waffle House League🧇The Baseball Speech ⚾ There’s a reason why baseball was America’s pastime and now is sinking in popularity. Baseball is different from other sports. It has a pace unlike today’s more popular games. It’s meant to be savored, not downed like a shot. Yes, it’s gone from…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Truth ⚖️The Poor Man’s Chipotle🌮Jokes 🤣 Anyone else get sucked in by the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial? I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I did. This is extremely odd because Hollywood culture and all things pop culture in general annoy the crap about of me. There’s just something about…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩What A Game ⚾Brain Power 🧠Stupid People 🤣 The Best Damn Real Estate Team on Either Side of the Mississippi spent much of the day yesterday inside a luxury suite at Busch Stadium, as the Cardinals took on the New York Mets. The game had a little bit of everything —…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Shanghai Surprise 👖Baseball Game ⚾Lawyer Joke😜 On March 27, I ordered some pants. I fully admit I went through Indochino because of its ads on The Tony Kornheiser Show podcast. Marketing works, folks. I’d ordered two custom-made pairs (not pair, Michael) before, and they are great. So I added some khakis…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Marketing Earth Day 🌎Lifeshit 💩Mawwiage 🪢 Happy Earth Day. I love that we celebrate a planet that demonstrates in so many ways how much it doesn’t like us. Today, The Best Damn Real Estate Team on Either Side of the Mississippi is doing a highway cleanup project, so I’ll be on…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩 A Humbling Sport⚾A Kick-Ass Trophy🐴Punk ⛓️ Happy 4/20. This edition of A Puzzle Known As Life is delivered in an edible format, and you’ll feel the effects of all the awesome in about 45 minutes. Enjoy. Boy The Younger had a baseball game last night. It was a cold, windy…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩 Why We Suck🤡No Finishing Power🔚McReally? 🍔 The world is dumb, and America is the leading idiot. I don’t reach this conclusion with any sort of glee. It’s simply what I see. Societies hold together because of three things. Shared stories Strong institutions Social networks that engender trust. The past 10…Keep reading
Time is a fascinating concept to me. I’ve written about it before, but it just seems so arbitrary sometimes. It amazes me how we can suck at it so badly that we have to add an entire extra day every four years to keep our system going — and no one really bats an eye.…Keep reading
I am not good at fantasy sports. This makes absolutely no sense to me. I have been a religious follower of statistics since I was, like, 5. My father would bring the newspaper home from NYC and I’d pour through the sports section to see who did what in the previous night’s baseball games. I…Keep reading
As I’ve previously detailed elsewhere on my site, I have a bit of a Dark Knight problem. It’s kinda like I have a bit of a Shawshank Redemption problem, a Jewel problem and, currently, an Amy Lee/Evanescence problem. I watch or hear something that speaks to my soul, and it becomes an area of intense…Keep reading
There was a time in my life when I had swagger. I was never the most popular or athletic kid in school, but for a while there, I was a really good baseball player. I could hit. I could field. And, boy, could I pitch. Some of the most “over” kids in high school would…Keep reading
I am my music. I don’t know how much simpler to define me than to say that if you want to know who and where I am at a particular moment, check my “recents” in Amazon Music. Music has always been a big thing with me. I understand it now, but I didn’t understand as…Keep reading
I have a complicated history with alcohol. So stupid and naive was I that I it wasn’t until I was 8 years old that I learned a woman could drink beer. I mean, I actually believed beer was not something women were allowed to drink, or maybe it was that I thought that if they…Keep reading
It seems to me that a lot of things are easier these days. For example, I think it’s much easier to be a police detective now than, say, back in the 1960s-90s, when my uncle/godfather worked in Spanish Harlem. There are databases for everything from fingerprints to photos to DNA, and every block in the…Keep reading
Ahh, January 2022, the month that will be remembered as the one in which, despite being vaxed and boosted, that little bitch Covid came to live with me again and as a month that lasted approximately 758 years. Yet despite its general assholeyness and inexplicable length, I managed to actually cross off very few items…Keep reading
I saw yesterday a post on Facebook in which the poster asked, “Is it just me or does it seem like the days are getting longer? I’m not sure what’s happening, but it sure seems like it.” I paused, thinking that it might be a joke before realizing that, no, this poster, a 40-something professional…Keep reading
ACCOMPLISHED No. 42: Create a college football bowl pool with a traveling trophy Sports bring people together. Of course, they also tear people apart. Look no further than the idiots supporting opposing teams in football stadiums who end up in alcohol-fueled brawls. But forget about that for a second. As I was saying, sports bring…Keep reading
In Progress No. 1: Go on 52 dates with CC Wifey Poo (AKA CC, AKA Carla) and I have known each other roughly 30 years. That’s a long time, folks. That’s the amount of time my parents were together when I was like, “Damn, you guys. That’s a long time to be together.” And now…Keep reading
ACCOMPLISHED No. 64: Get into (and stay) in the 99th percentile on Lumosity Back when Longhaul COVID was effectively killing me and sapping my will to live, I went to a neuropsychiatrist, which is essentially a dude who studies the results of the brain’s functioning. I’ve had at least five concussions in my life, which…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Voices In My Head 🎤‘Puzzle Pieces’ Origin Story 🎬A New Direction 🧭 I spent much of the past year with my writing trying to find a distinct voice. I dabbled in characters and tried to give each his or her own style. There was Q.F. Conseco, the free-spirited former Hippie…Keep reading
In a few hours, this revolution around the sun will be complete and a new one will begin. Unless something unexpected happens, I will have made it out alive. Hyperbole? Perhaps. But when I look back at the year that was, I feel I’m justified in counting it as a victory that I’m alive and…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Creepy Mail 📪License Plate Strategy 🚗Donald Dick, Err, Duck 🦆 Wifey Poo received a piece of mail recently from a company that looks to buy your car. It was astoundingly bad marketing. The first sentence read, “According to our records, it looks as if you’re driving a VEHICLE.” First of all,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Sad Dad Club 💔A Toast 🥃🥃Done Writing? 🖊️ It took me less than 24 hours as a part of the Dad Whose Child Died Club to learn that membership came with a myriad of uncomfortable situations. It was the day after Jacob (AKA Boy The Eldest) was born and died,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Plague Life 😷The Real Plan 😭A Hilarious Obituary 🤣☠️ Does it ever randomly smack you in the face that we’re living through a historic freaking pandemic? Are you ever going about what you might fool yourself into believing is your Before Times life and then suddenly something jolts you out of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Kix 👶Greg 🐟The First iPhone 📱 Life has a way of kicking you in the balls when you least expect it. Wifey Poo and I were cleaning up our lower level today and trying to get all of our crap that was put against the wall in the back by the…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Christmas Video 🎥Fighting The Big Boss 🥊Roland The Farter 🍑💨 I spent much of the day making a video for my job with The Allen Brake Team. I shot the footage a few weeks ago, and today was the day to identify the clips to actually use, assemble them, find the…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩No-Phone Sunday 🚫📱Creepy Moles 🐀Doc Talk 📽️ Today was sort of a practice day for something I put on my “Hundred Things” list for 2022. It was a Digital Detox Sunday, which is No. 63 on the list. To me, this meant that I wouldn’t have any sort of device in…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Trombones are Loud 🎺Birds Aren’t Real 🐦Death to Gymnastic Judges 🤸 Top 5 things that happened at In-Law Family Christmas, held at our humble country home, today. The realization that the mass of youngins has gotten so large now that our little babies have grown up to various new stages that…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Hey There, Dorothy 🌪️Christmas Hurts 🎄Bye-Bye, Checks and Balances ✔️⚖️ If you’re ever in need of some entertainment, might I suggest being in a church with a bunch of homeschool parents when tornado sirens go off? That’s where I found myself tonight, accompanied by Boy The Younger at a spring track…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Car Crash 🚗Video Day 🎞️Five No. 2s!? 💩 The Core 4 is headed out on a winter vacation to Memphis and New Orleans soon. The plan was to rent a vehicle through Turo.com, which is kinda like an Airbnb for cars. I had a quality vehicle picked out and reserved, one…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Shirt Stain 👔Score One for the Unabomber💣Oh Canada 🌈🍁 I arrived at work this morning, put my stuff down on my desk and hit the men’s room because evidently a 42-minute drive is too long for a man of 47 years to comfortably hold his bladder. I did what I do,…Keep reading