I am not good at fantasy sports.
This makes absolutely no sense to me. I have been a religious follower of statistics since I was, like, 5. My father would bring the newspaper home from NYC and I’d pour through the sports section to see who did what in the previous night’s baseball games. I would take my baseball cards and put them in order by different categories — highest to lowest batting average, most to fewest home runs, most strikeouts, etc. I know sports.
So the fact that I finished dead last out of 16 teams in my Florida friend’s fantasy baseball league last year is somewhat of an embarrassment.
Now, to be fair: I tanked. Our league is different from the traditional league in that we have 22 keepers each year and the minor leagues play a big roll in the long term. If you don’t claim some of tomorrow’s starts today and keep them in your NA spots on your bench, you might be good for a bit but you’re eventually gonna suck. After about a third of the season last year, I realized I was no closer to first than I’d been the previous year, when I’d finished seventh. So I devised a new strategy in which I traded all my good players over, say, 32 or 33 for a ton of prospects.
And so I was left with a ton of Major League scrubs pitifully attempting to rack up stats while all my players who one day will lead me to a title (optimism is wonderful) did absolutely nothing that counted. My farm system is amazing. I have three of the top 20 prospects and, like, eight of the top 100.
But my actual team that was playing? I quickly fell from eighth to 16th and, thanks to a last-day-of-the-season benching of all my players, avoided my sad sack of losers’ attempt to pull me to 15th and rip the No. 1 pick in the draft from my arms.
Meanwhile, Boy The Elder won the damn league for the second year in a row.
When I joined the league, I was handed a team that finished 12th and had no one worth writing home about. When he joined a few years later, he was given a team with Freddy Freeman (NL MVP the previous season), Mike Trout (AL MVP the previous season and generally regarded as the best player in the game), Max Scherzer (NL Cy Young winner) and a troupe of other All-Stars. Even since then, I have given him crap for inheriting his championships, which, for a time, might have been partly true, but aside from busting his chops because I’m his dad, I really do have to give him credit. He’s done an amazing job picking up players, making trades and scouting the minors to create a great team that is mostly all his doing.
He’s a cocky sonofabitch. 🙂
Plus, I need to prove something to myself. So at the end of last baseball season, I floated the idea of creating my own league. And yes, there would be a prize for first — a traveling trophy. But the brilliance of the league is that we’re going to severely punish the person who finishes last — which will not be me! Thus, The Waffle House Fantasy Baseball League was born.
And then the billionaires and the millionaires got into their squabble and shut down my game.
They finally got their shit together, and now the season is on. So on March 11, I took a break from work and actually created the league. The winner gets a trophy. But the person who finishes last has to spend 24 consecutive hours in a Waffle House. He or she can buy down the time, subtracting one hour for each full-sized waffle consumed and kept down.
When I invited Wifey Poo to the league and told her of the punishment for last, she was all-in. “You mean 24 hours by myself with no parental or homeschool mom responsibilities? Can I bring my pillow?”
She isn’t quite yet in the spirit of the league.
Right now there are nine of us committed and scheduled for an April 2 draft.
- Wifey Poo
- Boy The Younger, who has never played fantasy sports ever.
- Boy The Elder, whose cockiness will be his downfall.
- Boy The Elder’s lovely girlfriend who, prior to falling head over heals for my boy, knew nothing of sports yet won our college football bowl challenge.
- Ohio friend Tony, who’s a great fantasy football player but not a huge baseball fan.
- D&D dungeon master and high school acquaintance/friend Chris, who hasn’t played fantasy baseball in years.
- Boy The Elder’s childhood best friend Matthew, also a huge football fan and fantasy player but not much of a baseball fan.
- High school friend Josh, who ran another fantasy baseball league I used to be a part of and knows what he’s doing.
I need a 10th person to make things all nice and even. But whatever happens there, The Waffle House Fantasy Baseball League is a “go,” and there’s no way I’m gonna finish last. Right?
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩River Thoughts 🛶Little Annoyances 😠Birthday Boy 🎂 I didn’t know what a float trip was until I met Wifey Poo. I’m not even sure today that the term “float trip” is used outside Missourah. But if you’re a Missourahn, when someone says, “Wanna go on a float trip?” you know a […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩My Boys 👨👦👦Work Drinking🥃Feeling Good 😎 I’ve understood since seventh-grade science class how a child is a somewhat random and yet somewhat traceable mish-mash of his parents and their parents and their parents ad infinitum. It’s so cool to see that play out with my own boys. Boy The Elder is […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Stinger 🦂Inflation 🎈Housing Costs 🏘️ There’s something quite amazing about witnessing a human dinosaur be thrown through a stack of four tables. That was just one of the scenes from last night as Boys The Elder & Younger and I attended AEW Dynamite and Rampage. The biggest news from the […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Shitty Goodbye 💩Bald Is Beautiful 👨🦲Housing Market 🏘️ It’s official: My duty ensuring the continued breathing of roughly 20 chickens for Wifey Poo’s and Boy The Younger’s vacationing friends is over. Success! All birds were present and accounted for this morning, as I said goodbye to my new friends — Gertrude, […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩CrytpoStupidity ₿Coffee Seltzer ☕Chicken Update🐓 I like to make fun of Matt Damon. I know this comes from a place of deep-seated insecurity because Matt Damon is, well, Matt Damon and I am not. Yet it’s fun to make fun of Matt Damon, precisely because he is Matt Damon — all […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Meatloaf🦎Ugly Fish🐟Chicken Update🐓 You can buy insurance for many things. Your car. Your home. Your boat. Your health. Your eyes, teeth or brain (which, for some reason, is separate from your health). And now, according to a Missourah court, you can buy insurance that pays you if you contract a sexually […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Kentucky Fried Idiot 🍗Johnny Boy Marketing✏️Airplanes!🛦🛦🛦🛦🛦 There’s a scene in the 1979 film Rocky II in which the titular character (sorry, I’ve always wanted to write that …) is tasked by his trainer Mickey with chasing a chicken. Rocky was pummeled into oblivion — though somehow managed to eek out a […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Rogue Golfers 🐝Nay Voters🐟Chicken Day🥤 Golfers are known as being a genial sort. Whereas a basketball player could maul an opponent driving the lane, leaving him bloody and unconscious, and still complain about the foul called on him, golfers actually call fouls on themselves! Yet the world of professional golf is […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Bees Suck 🐝Bees As Fish🐟Cup O’ Pee🥤 I hate bees. Yes, I know they’re somehow the lynchpin on which our species’ survival will turn, but seriously, if we’re so fragile that we’re depending on a stinging invertebrate to keep us going, well, perhaps we’re not really so special after all. My […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Poultry Responsibilities 🐔Fine Dining🥩Crappy Year For Music🎵 I am many things. I am a husband, a father, a marketing guy, a storyteller, a jokester, a damn good parallel parker and a guy who played on a basketball team that lost 135-3. What I am not is a farmer. I left my […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩NASCAR President ₿Creepy Coffee☕Chef BTE 🍖 We all know that just about every politician at any level is, in some way, bought and paid for, right? I mean, perhaps your local school board representative isn’t (though she might be owned by her kid), but when you reach the state and national […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Dessert, Not Desert 🍨Happy Belated Birthday, McLovin 🎁Men Kissing 🏳️🌈 I started out my career in the news business and quickly learned that people suck. I mean, back in the mid-1990s, the internet was just becoming a thing — we even capitalized it … Internet … and wrote “e-mail” instead of […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩New Job🧑💼Happy Times🤗Small World ⚾ Buckle up. It’s story time. Today I made a reservation for Ruth’s Chris steakhouse on Sunday for me, Wifey Poo and Boys The Elder and Younger. The Core Four is getting dressed up. Keep in mind, we are not Ruth’s Chris people. It’s not that we […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Pants on the Ground👖Pimp Slap✋Pissin’ in the Wind🌬️ I had occasion to wear a suit yesterday. This was notable because I evidently hadn’t worn said suit in about a year. Over those 365 days, I’ve lost roughly 30 pounds. Thus, I showed up to the engagement necessitating a suit looking like […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chainsaws Suck🪓Early Arrival✈️Shrimp on the Barbie🦐 I awoke bright and early this morning, kissed Wifey Poo on the forehead and went outside ready to put chainsaw to felled tree. I live far enough out in the country that crankin’ up a chainsaw at 6:30 a.m. on a holiday morning isn’t a […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Racin’🏎️Heat☀️Gorilla Guy🦍 When I was a small boy, the Indianapolis 500 was must-see TV. I’m not sure exactly how it started, but it must have been around 1978 — when I was a 4-year-old boy who loved Matchbox cars and big wrecks. It was around that time that Pops brought home […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩My Fullback 🚑Sicky Poo 🤒Helium Shortage 🎈 I don’t get paid anywhere close to enough to deal with St. Louis traffic when it rains. Not that St. Louis drivers are uniquely bad. I would imagine large swaths of drivers in other cities react just as poorly to the presence of moisture […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Taking Toys Away 🔫Checked Out ✈️Windsurfing Kid 🌬️ Many moons ago, I had a toy rubber snake. That my parents would have allowed such a purchase is shocking, given that Mother Dearest was terrified of anything remotely reptilian and Sister wasn’t that far behind. Yet there, in the depths of my […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Shut Up🤫Waffle House 🧇Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes🤗 So here’s something I don’t quite understand: Why is anyone, especially our political leaders, expressing “shock” over what happened in Texas yesterday. Dude … the sun rose yesterday. The sun has risen every single freaking day for the course of humanity. The sun will rise tomorrow. That’s […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Subway Obsession😞Guard Dog 🐶Chainsaw John🪓 Every child is peculiar in his or her own way. It’s an early indication we all should recognize that none of us is normal. We’re all weird. And that’s OK. Boy The Younger has always had his peculiarities. As a small child, he was fascinated with […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Musical History🎹Why Write? 🖊️Loser Level😔 We finally have only one piano in our house! Now, don’t get to thinking we’re this uber-musical family. We’re not. Wifey Poo, from what I hear, was a helluva clarinetist back in her day and did, indeed, take piano lessons. Boy The Elder is really good […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Beyond Tired😫Busting Ass 🐝Covid Sadness😔 Everything is knowable. When I look back at the pace of change in my life, I think that’s the biggest difference between my life as a child and my life as an adult. Back then, if you wondered something, you just … wondered it. I mean, […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sad Anniversary😞My Back! 😳Dachau😭 Thirty-five years ago today, my first grandparent died. Grandpa was my favorite grandparent, and in looking back, I think it was because of his willingness to join my world. Grandpa played games with me endlessly. He taught me how to play rummy. He would spend hours on […]