List Items Update! January in Review

Ahh, January 2022, the month that will be remembered as the one in which, despite being vaxed and boosted, that little bitch Covid came to live with me again and as a month that lasted approximately 758 years.

Yet despite its general assholeyness and inexplicable length, I managed to actually cross off very few items on my list of 100 Intentions for 2022. Let’s review, shall we?

Well, it ain’t much, but the things that are actually Done Done for 2022 are, as follows:

42. Create a college football pool with a traveling trophy: Kudos to Boy The Elder’s well-chosen girlfriend for showing us all how it’s done.

64. Get and stay in the 99th percentile on Lumosity: Not only have I gotten there, but I’ve now advanced to the 99.3rd percentile, am in the 99.5th percentile in speed and the 99.4th percentile in problem solving. So if you need some complicated shit figured out fast, I’m your huckleberry.

65. Take care of a pet. OK, to be clear: The placement of this item on the list was not about me getting a dog. Yet when I went to bed on the night of Jan. 31, I received a good-night kiss from, yes, my wife, but also a so-ugly-she’s-adorable English bulldogs we’ve named Luna. So yeah. I’m taking care of a pet.

75. Complete a home repair project I haven’t done before. It would be a matter of debate if a project I home repaired because I home broke it should count. But if we’re gonna talk about things like manifesting, I’ll say it’s more than serendipity that I placed an item on my list that became a necessity because I’m not good at the very item that’s on the list. By way of explanation: The furnace in our new home has an air handler that doesn’t use the disposable air filters I’ve used every other place we’ve lived. It has these two permanent metal thingies that I guess are called filters and weigh, like, 15 pounds each. Every once in awhile, supposedly, they need to be cleaned. So I attempted to clean them outside with the hose as I saw on the video. But for some reason the hose isn’t working and it’s winter and the faucet is oh-so-conveniently placed behind rose bushes with thorns straight out of Jumanji. So I gave up on that and attempted to wash them in the bathtub, which, of course, then necessitated a huge bathtub cleanup project later, but I digress. When I put the filters back in, everything seemed OK until I flipped the air handling unit back on. Then it sounded as if a wall of angry hornets was inside. Off-on-off-on. Still the buzzing. So I did some testing and research and then, ho-ho! I saw that one of the metal slats on one of the filters was bent in a place that the filter that didn’t buzz was not. So jimmying and coaxing and voila! No more buzzing. So yeah, I broke the filters, but the important thing to focus on here is this: I fixed the filters too.

100. Private. This seems like an extremely ambiguous list item until you understand the fact that I’m not attempting to accomplish Private in 2022 and that I’m merely not listing everything I’ve done because some stuff is, well, private. In this case, to list the item would be to spoil a gift, so you’ll just have to wait and trust me when I tell you, No. 100 is done.

“Jesus, John,” you say, to which I reply “Wrong order” and then you say, “Uh, I didn’t finish my sentence, and even if I had, like, wow. So to continue: You didn’t get a whole lot done in January,” to which I reply, “Yes, you’re right, not a lot is completed, but other stuff is in-progress so cool your damn jets, will you?”

Now that we’re not speaking, I’ll fill you in on some of the deets. (God, that’s annoying, isn’t it?

1. Go on 52 dates with CC (AKA, Wifey Poo): Four weeks, four dates. A great time was had by all, which means we both had great times on all four dates. So there.

11. See license plates from all 50 states. One month in, I’ve seen plates from more than half the states — 27, to be exact. Which means I’m on pace to see plates from 324 states, and let that by a lesson on why you should never just trust any stat someone throws at you without engaging your brain. Done are, in the order in which I saw them: Missouri, Iowa, New Mexico, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Indiana, Arkansas, Colorado, Michigan, North Carolina, Tennessee, Illinois, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oregon, California, Maine (there are a LOT of big rigs that come through here with Maine plates), Texas, Florida, Pennsylvania, Montana, Minnesota, Ohio, Georgia, Wisconsin, Delaware and Virginia. Oh, and hey, if you’re driving through from Hawaii, please give me a buzz.

20. Attend a stand-up comedy event. Tickets are purchased to see Tim Allen in March.

31. Eat in three new restaurants. I’m a third there. We ate at Chez Ali in January.

36. Read five books. I finished Blaze, by Stephen King and am about halfway through Heavier Than Heaven, about Kurt Cobain. (Side note: Heroin is bad for you, kids.)

37. Play DnD three out of every four times the party plays. Suck it, people: I played every single damn time the party played in January. My character is Luther, a half-orc barbarian outlander who loves nature and the wilderness but who was snatched ended up in a dank prison in the dark underworld. I’d go on, but I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you with my raw sexual vitality.

44. Grow the house sale money. To grow money you have to invest money in something other than a non-interest-bearing checking account. And I did that right after the new year started. Have you seen how the markets were in January? That whole “grow” part in going to have to come in the other 11 months of the year.

54. Get a monthly massage. Self-care is important to a highly sensitive empath dude such as myself. Hey, um, ya know something I suck at?? Self-care. I’m really, really, really good at taking care of other people and putting their care above mine. I’m awesome at running myself into the ground by producing insane amounts of work in short amounts of time. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that, like, Jan. 29 hit and I had done zero things that would fall into the self-care portion of my list. And the list was largely made as a way to be accountable for my self-care. Yes, I know. I’m exceedingly stupid sometimes. But I do have moments of smartness. So on Jan. 29 I found someone who could give me a massage on Jan. 30, and it was a really good massage. I’ll be going back there because it’s extremely difficult to get an actual appointment with the person who really is good at fixing my aches and pains.

55. Do a float every quarter. If you haven’t done a sensory deprivation float and aren’t uber-claustrophobic, you should give it a shot. The mind needs to rest, and it can rest really well when our acknowledged senses aren’t doing anything. I scheduled on for the end of February.

58. Go to restorative yoga 52 times. Well, if we’re going to talk about the whole “on pace” thing, I should have gone to restorative yoga four times by now. I went once. On Jan. 31. Because I’m an idiot. Restorative yoga is so good for me, even when it’s sometimes tough on my overactive brain that takes “stillness” as a sign for “let’s think about every shitty thing that you’ve ever done or had happen to you.” So I guess I’ll be playing catch-up, or is it catsup?, here.

66. Write down my top 5 accomplishments from each month. Here goes: 1) I produced numbers that are really necessary for me job nearly 60% ahead of projections and more than 1,000% better than 2021. 2) I fixed the furnace filter thing without the need for a repairman. 3) I took my boys to the Royal Rumble and say somewhere other than the cheapest seats, and we had a great time. 4) I planned an awesome Valentine’s Day dinner and 25th anniversary getaway for Wifey Poo and I, and I made two awesome videos to let her know about them. (Side Note: If you’d like me to make a video for your special occasion, contact me. I work cheap!) 5) I made significant progress through some heavy and long-ignored shit with my new and awesome therapist.

72. Give someone an anonymous gift each month. Did it in January. no, I’m not going to tell you who I gave it to or what it was. Dummy.

95, 96, 98, 99 and 100. Private. If you’re wondering why I have seven things on my list identically labeled “private,” you just maaaght be an idiot. It’s because there are some things that I just don’t want you or others to know about right now. All five of these things involve some sort of gift or thing for someone else. So you’ll have to take my word for it that these things are now underway.

One month in, and I’m beginning to think a few things are already in jeopardy of actually happening this year. Shocking to no one, some of these are in self-care, while others lay squarely at the feet of some obnoxious millionaires who should just shut the hell up and play ball. To that end…

2. Go to a Yankees/Cardinals game. My team — or, more accurately, God’s team — is coming to the Lou to play the Cardinals this summer. That is, if the players and the league can agree on a new collective bargaining agreement that, whichever side “wins,” involves more zeros at the end of the number than I’ll ever see on a paycheck if I added together all the paychecks I have received and will ever receive.

3. Go to a minor league baseball game. See above item about really rich people not agreeing to entertain me at any level.

21. Go to dinner with a friend. That would require me to have, ya know, a friend. And the reality is, I’m not a very popular guy, it seems. If you read my recent post over in “Wrestling With Myself,” you’ll catch my angst on the topic.

43. Start the Waffle House Fantasy Baseball League. Exactly what the Waffle House Fantasy Baseball League is is a topic for another day. Suffice to say that I can’t start a fantasy baseball league if the actual baseball players aren’t playing. Unless I want to use Boy The Younger’s Little League team, in which case I highly advise you to not draft any of the pitchers on his team — including him.

59. Meditate daily, a minimum of five minutes. You’d think this would be easy. After all, you can easily say, “John. My dude. It’s only five minutes.” Yet if the intention was to do this daily, I think I failed at this by January 2. So maybe it’s OK to revise the goal to five days a week. Oops. Failed on that too. Oh well. I’ll meditate. It’s good for me.

So now we’re onto February. What items can I get done? I know there are a bunch of things I’ll make progress on, but what can I actually expect to scratch off the list?

40. Get a bottle of bourbon that’s on the “best of…” list? Sounds like a good idea for winter.

57. Get a new, longer yoga mat? Why not? No time like the present, huh? I’m sick of my feet or head hanging off the mat.

83. Write my obituary? Because I sure as hell don’t want anyone else doing it and saying I passed on from this life or went to be with my heavenly father when what I want it to say is that I died. And I don’t want anyone even thinking about saying I was loved by all who knew me when the truth is I was loved by very, very few and despised by more than a few.

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