By the middle of 2021, I was, in a word, fat.
Not the cool kind of fat, as in phat, but just plain-old fat. In the middle of my battle with Longhaul Covid and following a course of Hail-Mary high-dose steroids to fix a Longhauler mouth issue that remains to this day, I punished my scale by stepping on it, and in return it nastily told me I was 218 pounds.
“Hmm,” I thought. “Interesting.”
Not interesting enough to do anything about it, of course. Not for a few more months, anyway. It wasn’t as if exercising was an option. Most of the time I couldn’t walk up the stairs without my lungs feeling as if they were going to explode.
Alas, all I had to do was completely revolutionize the way I ate.
Once I ditched traditional Western medicine and, in desperation, went to a functional medicine doctor (shout-out to you, Dr. Laura!), I was confronted with the reality that just about everything I stuffed down my gullet caused massive internal inflammation that was making me, well, to be generous, puffy.
So I changed everything. I gave up anything processed, and I became one of those annoying assholes who asks for gluten-free options (but not without lots of shame, so at least there’s that). I essentially became a more strict version of paleo.
And I lost more than 30 pounds.
Now, to be fair, when I started, I didn’t give a rip if I lost a single pound. I just wanted to maybe feel like I wasn’t going to die.
“Oh, I could never eat like you eat!” I frequently hear.
Yeah ya could … if you’d tried everything else to get back to the land of the living and were still just as lost as you were the day you started your journey. Desperation is a wonderful motivator.
The problem is that my pants now are fallin’ down all the time.
I’d bought new pants near the height of my fatness. These pants no longer fit.
“Why don’t you just wear a belt?”
Duh. I wear a belt. Put it this way: You can tighten a belt only so much before you’ve created new problems. One, the little clasp that fastens dress pants? It comes apart easily when you tighten them so much. And two, tightening the pants doesn’t change the fact that they look like tents on me now.
Enter Tony Kornheiser.
For those of you not in the know, Mr. Tony is the host of the long-running ESPN show “Pardon The Interruption” — PTI, to us cool kids — and has a not-quite-daily-these-days podcast called, aptly, The Tony Kornheiser Show. He’s a veteran Washington Post journalist and an aging curmudgeon who makes me laugh.
One of his podcast sponsors is Indochino, a made-to-order dress-clothes etailer. Never doubt the power of testimonial advertising, kids. It is solely because of Indochino’s frequent TK Pod advertising that I punched up their website, picked out some dress pants and then had Wifey Poo measure me.
In a series of how-to-measure-someone videos, they tell you to find a friend and a tape measure. I wondered what kind of mere friend I could possibly have who would be comfortable measuring my crotch, which is accomplished by starting the tape measure at your belly button and running it to your lower back as if it were the dental-floss part of a thong.
Thankfully, I’ve got Wifey Poo and she has no issues working in that general area.
And so it is that I placed my order for two pairs of pants last night that hopefully will actually fit the new me. They’re supposed to take four to six weeks to arrive — something I was extremely familiar with when I ordered cassette tapes back in the 1980s but that seems excruciatingly long in the Prime twenty-twenties.
So to wrap this bad boy up, special thanks to everyone who made this possible — Dr. Laura, Tony Kornheiser and, most of all, Wifey Poo, whose hazard pay is in the mail.
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Stinger 🦂Inflation 🎈Housing Costs 🏘️ There’s something quite amazing about witnessing a human dinosaur be thrown through a stack of four tables. That was just one of the scenes from last night as Boys The Elder & Younger and I attended AEW Dynamite and Rampage. The biggest news from the […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Shitty Goodbye 💩Bald Is Beautiful 👨🦲Housing Market 🏘️ It’s official: My duty ensuring the continued breathing of roughly 20 chickens for Wifey Poo’s and Boy The Younger’s vacationing friends is over. Success! All birds were present and accounted for this morning, as I said goodbye to my new friends — Gertrude, […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩CrytpoStupidity ₿Coffee Seltzer ☕Chicken Update🐓 I like to make fun of Matt Damon. I know this comes from a place of deep-seated insecurity because Matt Damon is, well, Matt Damon and I am not. Yet it’s fun to make fun of Matt Damon, precisely because he is Matt Damon — all […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Meatloaf🦎Ugly Fish🐟Chicken Update🐓 You can buy insurance for many things. Your car. Your home. Your boat. Your health. Your eyes, teeth or brain (which, for some reason, is separate from your health). And now, according to a Missourah court, you can buy insurance that pays you if you contract a sexually […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Kentucky Fried Idiot 🍗Johnny Boy Marketing✏️Airplanes!🛦🛦🛦🛦🛦 There’s a scene in the 1979 film Rocky II in which the titular character (sorry, I’ve always wanted to write that …) is tasked by his trainer Mickey with chasing a chicken. Rocky was pummeled into oblivion — though somehow managed to eek out a […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Rogue Golfers 🐝Nay Voters🐟Chicken Day🥤 Golfers are known as being a genial sort. Whereas a basketball player could maul an opponent driving the lane, leaving him bloody and unconscious, and still complain about the foul called on him, golfers actually call fouls on themselves! Yet the world of professional golf is […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Bees Suck 🐝Bees As Fish🐟Cup O’ Pee🥤 I hate bees. Yes, I know they’re somehow the lynchpin on which our species’ survival will turn, but seriously, if we’re so fragile that we’re depending on a stinging invertebrate to keep us going, well, perhaps we’re not really so special after all. My […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Poultry Responsibilities 🐔Fine Dining🥩Crappy Year For Music🎵 I am many things. I am a husband, a father, a marketing guy, a storyteller, a jokester, a damn good parallel parker and a guy who played on a basketball team that lost 135-3. What I am not is a farmer. I left my […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩NASCAR President ₿Creepy Coffee☕Chef BTE 🍖 We all know that just about every politician at any level is, in some way, bought and paid for, right? I mean, perhaps your local school board representative isn’t (though she might be owned by her kid), but when you reach the state and national […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Dessert, Not Desert 🍨Happy Belated Birthday, McLovin 🎁Men Kissing 🏳️🌈 I started out my career in the news business and quickly learned that people suck. I mean, back in the mid-1990s, the internet was just becoming a thing — we even capitalized it … Internet … and wrote “e-mail” instead of […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩New Job🧑💼Happy Times🤗Small World ⚾ Buckle up. It’s story time. Today I made a reservation for Ruth’s Chris steakhouse on Sunday for me, Wifey Poo and Boys The Elder and Younger. The Core Four is getting dressed up. Keep in mind, we are not Ruth’s Chris people. It’s not that we […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Pants on the Ground👖Pimp Slap✋Pissin’ in the Wind🌬️ I had occasion to wear a suit yesterday. This was notable because I evidently hadn’t worn said suit in about a year. Over those 365 days, I’ve lost roughly 30 pounds. Thus, I showed up to the engagement necessitating a suit looking like […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chainsaws Suck🪓Early Arrival✈️Shrimp on the Barbie🦐 I awoke bright and early this morning, kissed Wifey Poo on the forehead and went outside ready to put chainsaw to felled tree. I live far enough out in the country that crankin’ up a chainsaw at 6:30 a.m. on a holiday morning isn’t a […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Racin’🏎️Heat☀️Gorilla Guy🦍 When I was a small boy, the Indianapolis 500 was must-see TV. I’m not sure exactly how it started, but it must have been around 1978 — when I was a 4-year-old boy who loved Matchbox cars and big wrecks. It was around that time that Pops brought home […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩My Fullback 🚑Sicky Poo 🤒Helium Shortage 🎈 I don’t get paid anywhere close to enough to deal with St. Louis traffic when it rains. Not that St. Louis drivers are uniquely bad. I would imagine large swaths of drivers in other cities react just as poorly to the presence of moisture […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Taking Toys Away 🔫Checked Out ✈️Windsurfing Kid 🌬️ Many moons ago, I had a toy rubber snake. That my parents would have allowed such a purchase is shocking, given that Mother Dearest was terrified of anything remotely reptilian and Sister wasn’t that far behind. Yet there, in the depths of my […]
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Shut Up🤫Waffle House 🧇Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes🤗 So here’s something I don’t quite understand: Why is anyone, especially our political leaders, expressing “shock” over what happened in Texas yesterday. Dude … the sun rose yesterday. The sun has risen every single freaking day for the course of humanity. The sun will rise tomorrow. That’s […]