🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩
Cute Pic, Dumb Response 📷
A Musical Connection 🎵
A Time-Change Analogy ⌚
My first solo venture into Costco today did not end up in familial bankruptcy, surprisingly. Oh, it could have. It just didn’t. I walked right past the $40 slabs of ribs and steered clear of the $2,000 monster TV that would have looked awesome, if not just a tad too big, in the home office from which I now type.
I got what was on The List, that sacred scroll of pre-approved purchases.
And some salsa.
Yeah. That’s right. I’m a rebel.
But to enter the holy land of bulk purchasing, I first had to get my very own membership card. Wifey Poo had hers, but I wasn’t with her when she had her photo taken and was given her golden ticket to enter Willy Wonka’s Warehouse of Bulk Stuff. So I went to the membership desk and talked with a nice woman who asked to see my wife’s card and my ID so she could confirm that I was, indeed, a member and not some scofflaw trying to take advantage of Costco’s kindness.
“Oh, she’s cute,” the woman said upon seeing my wife’s picture on the back of her membership card.
“Thank you,” said I, and then we went about the process of getting me all official.
As I was wandering around the store 10 minutes later, I thought, “‘Thank you?’ Why exactly did I thank the nice lady for saying my wife was cute? I mean, I think Wifey Poo is cute. But I have absolutely nothing to do with creating her cuteness. If anything,” I thought, “I’m the reason for any features on her that are not cute, seeing as how dealing with the general insanity of my life just maybe could have the effect of prematurely aging someone.”
All of which left me wondering what a better response to that would have been. I think I’ve landed on, “Damn straight. I ain’t no fool who would marry some nasty hag.”
Did you know that Costco doesn’t care if you buy one thing? The company actually makes zero profit off of everything it sells. They don’t care if you come in the store, wander around, try on all the fancy clothes, fill your cart to overflow, and then leave it in an aisle and walk out.
Costco’s entire business model is based on the membership. That’s how it’s able to set lower prices. Well, that and it tends to increase your purchasing power as a wholesaler when you buy 60 tons of circus peanuts instead of the standard 8-oz bag. Costco sets its prices to break even — and sometimes not even that — on everything it sells … except its membership. The memberships provide the profit.
Stuff like this fascinates me.
In Other Writing…
James was one of the first people I met when we moved from the frozen tundra of south-central Minnesota to the ruralist of rural Missouri in 2009. We signed up my older son, Joey, for Little League right away in an effort to spur the formation of friendships and to scratch his itch for the…Keep reading
I started a new section of my website today, called “Wrestling With Myself.” The “In Other Writing,” ☝️☝️☝️ is my first post. While driving home from my Costco Adventure, I realized there’s a lot of stuff inside me that I’m struggling to work out, and I tend to accelerate the working-out process by writing about it. Why I would want to share this stuff with the public is beyond me, but it seems like the right thing to do, maybe out of hope that what I’m wrestling with isn’t really me wrestling with myself but that there are others out there wrestling with the same things that feel so, so big, too. And if I write about them publicly, maybe it’ll help not just me figure some of this stuff out.
The ‘What Did You Say?’ of the Day
… Just in case you’re curious how things were going on the other side of the world these days.
Boy The Elder sent me an enthusiastic text on Friday evening about The Marcus King Band. I’d never heard of them, and he’d recently discovered them. I love the fact that BTE and I share a passion for music. These types of texts aren’t uncommon between us, and they go both ways. Sometimes it’s me sharing a band from my youth. Sometimes it’s him sharing a new discovery of his. Either way, it’s something I truly treasure. BTE has developed a great taste in music. His recommendation of The Marcus King Band was spot-on.
Were someone to steal $1,000 from my wallet in March, after wondering why the hell I had $1,000 in my wallet, I’d be trying to figure out where my money went and pretty pissed off that someone had stolen it. Police probably would be involved.
If that someone then came to me six or seven months later and was like, “Here’s your $1,000! Aren’t you appreciative that I brought it back to you?” I’d be more likely to have him arrested than to thank him.
This whole time-change thing tonight feels kinda like that to me. The forces that govern time decided to steal an hour from me in March. On a weekend, no less! And now I’m supposed to be happy they’re giving it back? Why don’t you just leave my time alone and go do something more important than messing with my sleep and forcing me to spend some of that precious time resetting clocks.
Today’s Reasons to Keep Living
- I must welcome back home my lost hour. We will drink the whiskey of a happy reunion together.
- Shhh. Don’t tell Boys The Younger and The Elder, but I got them Royal Rumble tickets for January to give them for Christmas, and I can’t wait for that.
- Tomorrow morning I get to go to Wal-Mart and do the whole grocery pickup thing. And if someone randomly comments on my wife’s cuteness, I will have a better response this time.
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🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩The Stinger 🦂Inflation 🎈Housing Costs 🏘️ There’s something quite amazing about witnessing a human dinosaur be thrown through a stack of four tables. That was just one of the scenes from last night as Boys The Elder & Younger and I attended AEW Dynamite and Rampage. The biggest news from the…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Shitty Goodbye 💩Bald Is Beautiful 👨🦲Housing Market 🏘️ It’s official: My duty ensuring the continued breathing of roughly 20 chickens for Wifey Poo’s and Boy The Younger’s vacationing friends is over. Success! All birds were present and accounted for this morning, as I said goodbye to my new friends — Gertrude,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩CrytpoStupidity ₿Coffee Seltzer ☕Chicken Update🐓 I like to make fun of Matt Damon. I know this comes from a place of deep-seated insecurity because Matt Damon is, well, Matt Damon and I am not. Yet it’s fun to make fun of Matt Damon, precisely because he is Matt Damon — all…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Meatloaf🦎Ugly Fish🐟Chicken Update🐓 You can buy insurance for many things. Your car. Your home. Your boat. Your health. Your eyes, teeth or brain (which, for some reason, is separate from your health). And now, according to a Missourah court, you can buy insurance that pays you if you contract a sexually…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Kentucky Fried Idiot 🍗Johnny Boy Marketing✏️Airplanes!🛦🛦🛦🛦🛦 There’s a scene in the 1979 film Rocky II in which the titular character (sorry, I’ve always wanted to write that …) is tasked by his trainer Mickey with chasing a chicken. Rocky was pummeled into oblivion — though somehow managed to eek out a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Rogue Golfers 🐝Nay Voters🐟Chicken Day🥤 Golfers are known as being a genial sort. Whereas a basketball player could maul an opponent driving the lane, leaving him bloody and unconscious, and still complain about the foul called on him, golfers actually call fouls on themselves! Yet the world of professional golf is…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Bees Suck 🐝Bees As Fish🐟Cup O’ Pee🥤 I hate bees. Yes, I know they’re somehow the lynchpin on which our species’ survival will turn, but seriously, if we’re so fragile that we’re depending on a stinging invertebrate to keep us going, well, perhaps we’re not really so special after all. My…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Poultry Responsibilities 🐔Fine Dining🥩Crappy Year For Music🎵 I am many things. I am a husband, a father, a marketing guy, a storyteller, a jokester, a damn good parallel parker and a guy who played on a basketball team that lost 135-3. What I am not is a farmer. I left my…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩NASCAR President ₿Creepy Coffee☕Chef BTE 🍖 We all know that just about every politician at any level is, in some way, bought and paid for, right? I mean, perhaps your local school board representative isn’t (though she might be owned by her kid), but when you reach the state and national…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Dessert, Not Desert 🍨Happy Belated Birthday, McLovin 🎁Men Kissing 🏳️🌈 I started out my career in the news business and quickly learned that people suck. I mean, back in the mid-1990s, the internet was just becoming a thing — we even capitalized it … Internet … and wrote “e-mail” instead of…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩New Job🧑💼Happy Times🤗Small World ⚾ Buckle up. It’s story time. Today I made a reservation for Ruth’s Chris steakhouse on Sunday for me, Wifey Poo and Boys The Elder and Younger. The Core Four is getting dressed up. Keep in mind, we are not Ruth’s Chris people. It’s not that we…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Pants on the Ground👖Pimp Slap✋Pissin’ in the Wind🌬️ I had occasion to wear a suit yesterday. This was notable because I evidently hadn’t worn said suit in about a year. Over those 365 days, I’ve lost roughly 30 pounds. Thus, I showed up to the engagement necessitating a suit looking like…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Chainsaws Suck🪓Early Arrival✈️Shrimp on the Barbie🦐 I awoke bright and early this morning, kissed Wifey Poo on the forehead and went outside ready to put chainsaw to felled tree. I live far enough out in the country that crankin’ up a chainsaw at 6:30 a.m. on a holiday morning isn’t a…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Racin’🏎️Heat☀️Gorilla Guy🦍 When I was a small boy, the Indianapolis 500 was must-see TV. I’m not sure exactly how it started, but it must have been around 1978 — when I was a 4-year-old boy who loved Matchbox cars and big wrecks. It was around that time that Pops brought home…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩My Fullback 🚑Sicky Poo 🤒Helium Shortage 🎈 I don’t get paid anywhere close to enough to deal with St. Louis traffic when it rains. Not that St. Louis drivers are uniquely bad. I would imagine large swaths of drivers in other cities react just as poorly to the presence of moisture…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Taking Toys Away 🔫Checked Out ✈️Windsurfing Kid 🌬️ Many moons ago, I had a toy rubber snake. That my parents would have allowed such a purchase is shocking, given that Mother Dearest was terrified of anything remotely reptilian and Sister wasn’t that far behind. Yet there, in the depths of my…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Shut Up🤫Waffle House 🧇Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes🤗 So here’s something I don’t quite understand: Why is anyone, especially our political leaders, expressing “shock” over what happened in Texas yesterday. Dude … the sun rose yesterday. The sun has risen every single freaking day for the course of humanity. The sun will rise tomorrow. That’s…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Subway Obsession😞Guard Dog 🐶Chainsaw John🪓 Every child is peculiar in his or her own way. It’s an early indication we all should recognize that none of us is normal. We’re all weird. And that’s OK. Boy The Younger has always had his peculiarities. As a small child, he was fascinated with…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Musical History🎹Why Write? 🖊️Loser Level😔 We finally have only one piano in our house! Now, don’t get to thinking we’re this uber-musical family. We’re not. Wifey Poo, from what I hear, was a helluva clarinetist back in her day and did, indeed, take piano lessons. Boy The Elder is really good…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Beyond Tired😫Busting Ass 🐝Covid Sadness😔 Everything is knowable. When I look back at the pace of change in my life, I think that’s the biggest difference between my life as a child and my life as an adult. Back then, if you wondered something, you just … wondered it. I mean,…Keep reading
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩Sad Anniversary😞My Back! 😳Dachau😭 Thirty-five years ago today, my first grandparent died. Grandpa was my favorite grandparent, and in looking back, I think it was because of his willingness to join my world. Grandpa played games with me endlessly. He taught me how to play rummy. He would spend hours on…Keep reading