Me and the Chinese Government – Aug. 31, 2021

I Parent Like China

It pleased me a great deal to share with Boy The Younger this morning that the rules he lives under are similar to those imposed on kids by the Chinese government. Our Communist Owners recently banned whippersnappers younger than 18 from playing online video games on school nights and allow them only one hour a day on weekends and holidays. This is not different from our household mandates of no video games on school nights and two to three hours max on weekends and holidays. Xi Jinping, I salute you.

When ‘Universal Fit’ Doesn’t Mean ‘Universal Fit’

I hate the kitchen faucet with the heat of a thousand suns. Sometime before we moved in here, the handle that determines the heat of the water started being all floppy. You’d set it to give you warm water, but then it’d be all, “You don’t really want hot water” and sag back to cold. With my newly found home-repair super sleuthing skills, I determined last night that the problem was a screw that had broken off inside a tiny hole in the handle. How the Judester (my mother-in-law) muscled up and snapped that bad boy when she can’t walk more than a few yards without getting out of breath remains a mystery, but one thing was certain: There was no way to get the screw remnants out.

“No problem!” I foolishly thought. “I’ll just head to the kitchen faucet replacement handle store and get a kitchen faucet replacement handle.”

Wifey-Poo and Boy the Younger and I hopped in Woo-Woo (my super-impressive 2017 Nissan Versa) and set our course for Lowes. Thanks to their handy-dandy app, I didn’t have to walk all over the place looking for kitchen faucet handles. I knew exactly where to go. Aisle 36, Bay 11.

Boom. Before me unfolded a plethora of faucet handle options. Being a wise guy (but not a Wiseguy), I went for the one that said not only ‘Universal Fit’ but also ‘Fits Any Faucet,'” which struck me as a bit of redundant marketing, but hey, I don’t market faucet handles, so who am I to say?

Well, apparently our kitchen faucet is not from this universe and this company has a different definition of the word “any” than I was taught at good-old Pound Ridge Elementary School in the late 1970s and early 1980s. And before you say anything, yes, I read the directions, so just shut up.

Here’s an interesting fact of which you might not be aware: If you need a faucet handle to replace a bathroom sink faucet handle, you can choose from about 6 kazillion options. But if you need a kitchen sink faucet handle, especially one that goes to an out-of-this-universe kitchen faucet, your options are far more limited.

Thus, as I wrap up my day, there is an entire new kitchen faucet sitting in an Amazon box waiting for me to install.

Fun times.

The ‘Don’t Blame Me, I Didn’t Say It’ of the Day

‘Stories have to be told or they die, and when they die, we can’t remember who we are or why we’re here.’

Sue Monk Kidd, author

Functionally Speaking, I’m Functioning Again

I had an appointment with my functional medicine doctor this morning. What’s functional medicine? Dude, I’m not Google. Do your own work. But if you’re really that lazy, it’s this crazy approach to medicine that treats the patient as a whole and seeks to remove the cause of ailments (ya know… curing them) instead of treating symptoms with things that create new and infinitely more annoying symptoms.

Dr. Laura of St. Louis Functional Health is the one who convinced me to grudgingly and drastically change my diet and guided me to a path leading me back from the hell that is Longhaul COVID. I’m now 25 pounds lighter (give or take a few) and a helluva lot more spry and sharp than I was three months ago. I feel not only better than I have since Longhaul COVID took up residency but better than I have in decades. I don’t want to be the kind of guy that pushes the thing that worked for him on everyone else, but hey, if you’re interested,

Today’s Reasons to Keep Living

  1. That yoga nidra is a thing available to anyone, really.
  2. That I have running water that comes out of the kitchen faucet I want to burn in the fiery pits of hell.
  3. That the woman at the eye doctor’s, from where I picked up new contact lenses today, was really friendly and her friendliness made me friendlier the rest of the day. Sometimes it be like that.

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Study Abroad — May 15, 2022

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Family — May 13, 2022

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Heat Wave — May 12, 2022

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Gambling — May 8, 2022

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It’s the End of the World As We Know It — April 19, 2022

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Welcome Back, Swagger

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Balloons — Dec. 21, 2021

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Tree Haulin’ — Nov. 26, 2021

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Boy The Singer, Nov. 23, 2021

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Sloth Talk — Nov. 8, 2021

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Punk! — Nov. 5, 2021

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