Hi, my name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler.
I finally have had enough.
I have sat in my workspace and listened to a coworker talk incessantly about why she wouldn’t be vaccinated against COVID despite being in the demographic of people who die most frequently from it. It was always the same twisted rant against the safety of the vaccine and the government’s role in creating it, mixed with a note of her typical belligerence. Not once did she ever mention the possible effect her unvaccinated status could have on another (including the kids in the hospital in which we work), nor did she ever recognize the daily battle of the Longhauler (Hi there!) sitting across the room from her.
Were she the only one, I would have been able to keep my head. Random stupid people pop into our lives on the regular, so it’s no big deal that she was the embodiment of it du jour.
The problem was that I started to hear similar things from more and more people. My son’s baseball coach. A former co-worker. A kinda-sorta member of my family. Facebook (blech) started to be dotted more heavily with these dopes. And when my state government implemented a lottery to reward a few lucky folks (it might as well be you!) who could prove their vaccination status, these people kicked their stupidity into high gear.

This is off-the-charts absurdity.
First of all, let’s deal with the concept of “bribery.” The government routinely incentivizes us to do things that are in the public’s best interest. Speed limits are there not to stop speeders from killing themselves but rather to stop speeders from killing others who don’t. The incentive? You’ll spend less on tickets and court costs if you do what’s good for the general public.
Tax breaks for those with children incentivize people to continue producing future American citizens.
Businesses that would bring jobs into an area get government incentives to build or expand facilities.
That’s not bribery and it’s not “weird.” That’s smart public policy. It’s incentivizing American citizens to do something to help slow the spread of a virus that has infected more than 34 million and killed more than 600,000 of them.
Let’s be really cynical for a second: The government is protecting its tax base so it can keep collecting money from as many people as possible. Less cynically, it’s reducing the burden on what truly is a damaged and flawed healthcare system. And purely, it is compassionate on citizens who otherwise might not die for a long time.
Now let’s transition to the doughnut crap. We get a cookie for donating blood. We get a sticker for voting. We get free samples at Sam’s. There’s nothing nefarious about those things, and there’s nothing weird or wrong about giving something trivial to someone who makes the decision to protect himself, his family and his community to a greater degree than those who don’t. I would imagine we can count on one hand the number of people in the country whose decision to get a shot came down to a doughnut, but hey, if I’m wrong, more doughnuts to ’em.
And work bonuses? Let’s look at this one a little more closely. Do businesses care about the actual people who get the shot? Hopefully. Their employees are human beings, after all. But even if you’re more cynical about the motivations of businesses, it’s still in their best interest to encourage vaccination, and they could and should incentivize it (and, dare I say, even demand it in certain circumstances, like, for example, with hospital workers). Those who are vaccinated are statistically less likely to miss work and statistically less likely to cause their co-workers to miss work. They are also statistically less likely to infect the business’s customers and, thus, less likely to create a nightmare for public relations folks like me. Again, it’s not bribery or weird. It’s smart corporate governance.
So we’re good on that stupid bribery crap, yes?
Now let’s talk about the assertion that refusing to get the vaccine doesn’t make you an anti-vaxxer. Fine. If that makes you feel better, don’t call yourself an anti-vaxxer, though “anti” means “against” and “vaxxer” is slang in this instance for “the COVID vaccination.”
Whatever. Maybe you just don’t want to be lumped in with Jenny McCarthy. I wouldn’t either. So being against the COVID vaccine doesn’t make you against the COVID vaccine. Great.
But it 100% does make you selfish.
This shouldn’t need an explanation, but stupid far-right bullshit does sometime seem to warrant it, so here goes:
Before you go spouting some anti-vax, anti-mask crap that relies on far-right conspiracy theories kicked off by a disgraced ex-president who was a disgrace before he was president and who has proven repeatedly he doesn’t know jack about squat, please reach out to me so I can tell you what living with Longhaul COVID for the past eight months has been like.
We can go out to dinner and you can pick up the tab because my pockets are significantly lighter, as I’ve spent thousands of dollars and hours and hours of my life at doctors offices having tests done that lead to zero help. Oh, and I get to pick the restaurant, because my diet is now really restricted to avoid inflammatory foods that make me feel like crap, something that didn’t happen before becoming a Longhauler.
So yes, please do post your bullshit about how getting a shot is so horrible and why you’re taking such a firm stance against it. It makes soooooo much sense, especially in light of the fact that, statistically (factually) speaking, more than 99% of the people who are dying from this thing now are exactly like you!
Oh, but yeah, that’s just the mainstream media or “MSM” (as opposed to what? Fox News? Really? You’re gonna go there?) making up “fake news.” Then I guess I’m, what? Not real? Making up my life story right now?
And here’s the thing… if your stupidity and ignorance and incredible ability to be snagged by a wormless hook didn’t also ensnare innocent people who did the smart thing or who can’t get the shot for health reasons and showed an ounce of concern for this thing we try to call society, I wouldn’t give two farts on Friday because it’s your kind who’s dying out these days and maybe we will all one day just call that an incredibly fortunate instance of “thinning the herd.”
But it’s not. Your stupidity and ignorance back when masks were the hot topic led to the symptoms we Longhaulers have to deal with daily. Now you’re showing it with the thing that has been credited by sane members on both sides of the aisle as leading to the slow-down of COVID’s rampage across the country and the globe, and your dumb stance is what is going to infect and kill thousands and thousands more.
If you want to die, fine. Go jump off a freaking bridge, will you? Just don’t take any innocent people who want to do and did the right thing with you.
There. You spouted your crap. Now I’ve spouted mine.
Thing is, I mean it when I say you might want to talk to me about what life as a Longhauler is like. But if you don’t want to talk to me, hey, I’m in touch with so many more who would be happy to share their stories.
And if you’re too much of a coward to talk to another human being about real life, click here. You can read for yourself in the complete safety you find behind your keyboard.
More From ‘LONGHAULER: A COVID Diary’
The Five Things I Did to Kick Longhaul’s Ass
In 2021, I thought I was going to die. And I was pretty much OK with that. It wasn’t that I was hoping for death or particularly wanted to die. It’s that I saw the trajectory Longhaul COVID had me on, and no matter what I had tried, nothing had provided even a momentary reprieve…
First-Quarter List Review! Successes and Oopses and Covid Improvements
Time is a fascinating concept to me. I’ve written about it before, but it just seems so arbitrary sometimes. It amazes me how we can suck at it so badly that we have to add an entire extra day every four years to keep our system going — and no one really bats an eye.…
List Items Achieved! #51: Pants
By the middle of 2021, I was, in a word, fat. Not the cool kind of fat, as in phat, but just plain-old fat. In the middle of my battle with Longhaul Covid and following a course of Hail-Mary high-dose steroids to fix a Longhauler mouth issue that remains to this day, I punished my…
Happy Covidaversary To Me — Nov. 15, 2021
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩A Year of Hell 😷Where’s Ben? 💔Profiting From Pollution 🏭 Happy Covidaversary to me. On this day one year ago, I had a Q-tip shoved up my nose to confirm what I already knew. Wifey Poo’s sister had been diagnosed with it. Wifey Poo’s mother had been diagnosed with it. Wifey…
Inside the Fight to Be Positive About All This
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Lindsey is perhaps the most positive person I’e ever met. I worked with her for about six or seven years last decade, and I watched as she smiled her way into a management position. Every single thing was met with an overly enthusiastic smile, and…
Ozone and Ultraviolet Rays? What the Hell?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. There are times in a person’s life in which he finds himself wondering how he got where he is. I remember feeling that way as I sat in my dorm room before freshman year started at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa, more than 1,000…
Why You Shouldn’t Say ‘This Too Shall Pass’
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. To tell someone suffering from a chronic illness such as Longhaul COVID that “This too shall pass” is to invite a punch to the throat. The origins of this phrase are sketchy. Those of the Christian persuasion often like to trot it out in an…
A Look Inside the Uncertainty of a Longhauler’s Fight
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Saturday was a really, really good day that capped off a really, really good week. Ever since I changed my diet after visiting a functional medicine doctor, I had been feeling so much better than I have since November, when the COVID Fairy visited our…
Longhaulers Are Killing Themselves; Here’s Why — And What You Can Do To Help
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. When the coronavirus epidemic shut down the country in March 2020, Kent Taylor refused to accept his base salary as chief executive officer of Texas Roadhouse restaurants and instead poured that money back into his frontline restaurant workers to help them stay financially afloat. A…
From Mike Tyson to Choo-Choos, a Lesson in Brain Training
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It was a quarter ’til why-do-they-start-school-so-early on a Monday morning, and I was about to kick Mike Tyson’s ass. Of course, if history was any indication, what really was about to happen was the separation of my head from my shoulders. That’s what had happened…
Redefining the Talk About What’s In Our Heads
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I have never and likely will never meet Jeremy Devine. Nor will most of you. Yet that doesn’t stop me from thinking it wouldn’t be an entirely bad thing were he to stumble into a honey-laden pit and become the object of intense interest for…
COVID Teaches Me I’m … Good at Math?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. There are several truths in my family, among them: When my wife says we’re leaving someplace in 10 minutes, go ahead and get comfortable because she means an hour. At least. My youngest son is biologically unable to close the front door without force he…
Why You Might Want to Give Functional Medicine a Shot
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It’s an odd thing to one minute be talking about your childhood and the next be telling the same person how many bowel movements you have in the average day. Of course, the field of functional medicine — and its practitioners — are, by many,…
Getting Back to ‘The Stack’
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I read a book this weekend. Well, more accurately, I read 12 pages of a book. This is neither a monumental accomplishment in the history of the world, nor a monumental accomplishment in the history of me. It is monumental for Me-Right-Now. Prior to becoming…
Into This Crazy Life, We Bring an African Child
Dieudonne became a part of our household amidst chaos, grief and weariness. Objectively speaking, it wasn’t a good time for us to welcome a 4-year-old with medical issues who didn’t speak a word of English. Of course, waiting for a “good time” to tackle that challenge is much like saying, “We’ll have kids when we’re…
(My) Top 10 Ways to Cope With Longhaul COVID
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I’m quite convinced that most adults have at least one of “those stories.” You know what I’m talking about… the stories that gets rehashed ad nauseum every time the family gathers, no matter how old you are. Of course, never do these stories showcase your…
Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear: Number 5!
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I can do stuff. Some of it, I can do easily all the time. Some of it, I can do easily some of the time. Some of it, I can even do with excellence. Just about every Longhauler has days, hours or minutes when they’re…
When Your World Withers Away
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Looking back, it’s clear when this little trend started. It was back in January, which, not surprisingly, is when it first hit me that no one knew what the fuck they were talking about with my Longhaul symptoms. It’s also when my father-in-law died. And…
The Bizzaro World of Magic Mouthwash
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Over in another part of this site, you can meet my California relative, Q.F. Conseco. His branch of the family tree is by far the most interesting to sprout in at least the past 500 years — and as the family genealogist, I should know.…
Here’s What Real Longhaulers Are Saying; Are You Listening?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Many people honestly struggle to see the world through anything other than their own filters. People believe the world is a certain way because their world is a certain way. If you want Reason No. 1 for why things suck, there ya have it. The…
The Prednisone Experiment and the Scientific Method
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It is a fact that I would be a 46-year-old high school junior if not for Amanda Bortz. To put it mildly, me and chemistry did not get along, a byproduct of my inability to grasp math once letters said, “We’d like to play, too!”…
A One-Word Definition for COVID: Isolation
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Come with me on a journey through time… Way back in the early days of the plague, back when the number of people in the country who had it was in the hundreds and the number of people who had died from it was in…
And Now, An Epic Longhauler Rant
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. And I’m about to lose my shit. Here’s the truth: I am about to break. And the scary thing is, I can feel it. The tiny fissures are becoming spiderweb cracks in my foundation — my brain, my heart, my lungs. Of course, there’s the…
How Does This Ride End?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. My son talks a big game. The entire two-hour drive from our then-home in extremely rural Missouri to Six Flags near St. Louis, Joey bravely stated how much he was looking forward to going on American Thunder. From the back seat of my sensible sedan,…
The War Against Insomnia — And Longhaul COVID
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. So let’s put this all out there. All of us. Collectively. As Longhaulers. Let’s just list it all. Everything. All the symptoms. Oh, I’ve seen this list: And then I’ve read of about a dozen or two or ten more from fellow Longhaulers. I’ll add…
Six Little Pills Offer One Last Shot
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Six tiny white pills are piled here on the desk next to me this morning, and I’m going to take them. These pills and their brethren in the safety-capped orange bottle next to them represent what very well might be my last hope to fix…
Hunting Gnome-Took-A-Dump-In-Your-Mouth-itis
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It was jarring to be back in a doctor’s office waiting room today, to hand over my insurance card and driver’s license to be copied, to fill out the paperwork answering questions that were just going to be asked again by a nurse and then…
The Difference Between Good? and Good.
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. This morning on my 41-minute drive to work, I was a different person. Two people, actually. Bad versions of those two people, to be exact. The year was 1992, and something big was happening for 18-year-old me. High school had just become part of my…
Dr. House Isn’t Walking Through That Door
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I was late to the game for the TV show “House,” but I caught up quickly. I love the concept of the flawed hero, and Dr. Gregory House is definitely one of those. Absolutely brilliant, he is recognized and grudgingly accepted as The Man when…
Sometimes You Just Have to Sing
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Driving down a rain-soaked highway, the morning sun cutting through angry black clouds at a severe angle. Cars flying past me on the left, doing far more than the 7 mph over the speed limit I do because I have one of those insurance company…
COVID Might Have Saved My Life
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. So before we begin, let me set the scene a bit by saying this: Toxic optimism is annoying. Christian toxic optimism is even worse. I have suffered for extended periods of time under more than a few clouds without a lining of any remotely precious…
If You’ve Got a ‘Best,’ You’re a Lucky Longhauler
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. “Your insurance doesn’t cover it, so it’ll be $90 if you want it,” said the kind young woman who would be present as a tooth was ripped from my jaw for the first time since I was a tween, back before “tween” was even a…
When Are You Just … Done?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I sat in my car as the late-morning sun warmed the interior, the only sound the soft purr of my Nissan Versa’s unimpressive engine. And I thought: “I think that’s it. I think I’m just … done.” I had spent the past 45 minutes inside…
Please Don’t Shrug Your Shoulders; Just Drill My Tooth
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I have never wanted so badly to have a cavity. Or an impacted wisdom tooth (whatever that is). Or need a root canal. No sane person ever wants these things. Longhaul COVID has a way of chipping away at a person’s sanity. As I recently…
I Hate My Tongue
HI. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. The most powerful force on the planet has nothing to do with gravity, the ever-changing magnetic poles, love or faith in a deity. Not even close. Rather, the most powerful force on the planet is your tongue’s need to probe any place in your mouth…
Five Things Longhaulers Hate To Hear: Number 4!
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It takes a lot to get me outwardly, visibly angry. This is not to say that I don’t have a temper or that things don’t piss me off. They do. I’m just fantastic at turning those emotions inward to avoid unnecessary confrontations and to not…
Top 3 Tips for Running a Longhauler Clinic
Hi. My name is John, and I am a COVID Longhauler. By the time the doctor came into the closet-like exam room in a non-descript medical building that is part of an enormous hospital complex, I was done. Fried. Finished. He stood in the doorway for a moment as I sat in a chair with…
Five Things Longhaulers Hate To Hear: Number 3!
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Her name is Sarah and she lives across an ocean and the only reason I know her at all is because, despite a thousand differences, she now is a lot like me. Or I am a lot like her. Whatever. We are both Longhaulers. Sarah…
What ‘Longhaul-COVID-Tired’ is really like
Hi. My name is John, and I have Longhaul COVID. It’s 4:15 p.m., and I shouldn’t be writing this. I should be resting. My body is screaming at me to rest. But right now? Screw you, body. I’m writing this. One of my Longhaul COVID symptoms is insomnia, so I was awake this morning at…
The Really Nice Woman Who Tried to Kill Me
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I am blessed to have a really good feel for people. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I just know someone’s nature instinctively. Rarely … very rarely … am I ever off in my initial impression of someone. I don’t even have…
Beastie Boy Lyrics? Yup. Did I pee? Hmm
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I grew up in the suburbs of New York City, a white middle class kid in a mostly white school district. And I loved the emerging 1980s East Coast rap scene. Run DMC? Yes please. Beastie Boys? Uh, yes! In this, I was not unlike…
Why exactly am I getting this vaccine?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I hate you, CNN. I hate you for many reasons, of course. You pioneered the 24-hour news cycle, which is what kicked off the degradation of journalism because, with all those hours to fill, you turned to people who could squawk the loudest for the…
What should my expectations be of doctors?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. So this afternoon I go to see an actual doctor at an actual doctor’s office. He will look into my actual eyes, the ones that once were a sparkling and dazzling green (if I do say so meownself) but now are shadowed by dark circles…
Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear: Number 2
Hi. My name is John. And I’m a COVID Longhauler. If you missed the first part of this series, well, that’s fine with me, but you might want to read it for a little background. I’ve even made this a hyperlink so you don’t have to do any searching around, because, hey, I’m just that…
The Invasion of the Mouth Sores
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. My earliest symptom of COVID was this horrible, disgusting, metallic taste in my mouth. Before the exhaustion, before the brain fog, before the positive test, there was this invasion that made me feel like I had some sort of liquid, nasty, blech squishing from my…
Explaining Exhaustion
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a Longhauler. “So there it is. It’s right there on the end table. It’s, like, two feet away from your hand. You know you want it. You know you need it. Just reach out and grab it.” The “it” is a water bottle. And it is mocking me.…
Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear: Number 1!
Hi, my name is John, and I’m a Longhauler. Today we’re going to start the list of “Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear.” So here’s the deal: People mean well. They do. I’ve been through some pretty bad stuff in my life, and I know that, when confronted with a difficult situation, good people stay…
The COVID Diaries
“It’s inevitable, and it’s not going to be good.” There was a certain moment in October when I remember feeling in my soul that I would get COVID. While I was being safe, wearing a mask, yada yada yada, there were loved ones around me who, since the start of the pandemic, played things anywhere…
One response to “To Those Who Refuse to Be Vaccinated, Jump Off a Bridge”
Sorry, John. This article is too harsh. I’m a long hauler with 8 months of horrific symptoms and have contemplated suicide but couldn’t go through with it because as a Mom of a 9 year old and 6 year old, I couldn’t leave them behind…they need me. So I push through the joint pain, shortness of breath, fatigue, depression and migraines. But I will never get the shot. Why? Fear.
You know nobody “believes” us long haulers, they gaslight us and act like we are crazy for feeling the way we do. Well, there are people that have received the vaccine and have issues as well. Are they not to be believed? People have got the shot and passed away. I would rather battle the enemy I know than the enemy I don’t. I feel like getting the shot is like playing Russian roulette. You don’t know how your body is going to respond and you cannot remove the vaccine from your body to save your life. If you have a bad adverse reaction, you’re history.
I don’t want Covid again, but as a long hauler, have I ever REALLY gotten “rid” of covid? No. I’m scared to get the shot. I’ve read that there is not enough evidence and long-term data on how long natural Covid antibodies last to protect you. Long haulers still have the virus inside them, still causing symptoms and wrecking havoc…is that not offering antibody protection? Nobody knows. I would never judge someone for making the health decision that’s best for them. If you want to blame people blame the CCP for creating this monster