Johnny Boy Marketing

Introduction:

A woman who has two intimate partners in her lifetime — and especially one who has two intimate partners in the same bed — was obviously raised by horrible parents, and the sex fiend’s children should be freed from the depravity of the entire family.

---

The Letter:

Dear Abby: My adult daughter is married. She also has a boyfriend. Both of these men live with her and share her bed. Her children are horrified by it and want nothing to do with their mother. They are embarrassed and ashamed, as am I. Her older children are of age but still in school. They would like to move out but can’t afford to; the youngest is a minor and afraid of the boyfriend. My daughter’s husband doesn’t object to the share plan. Is there anything I can do to help the kids? — CROWDED BED IN COLORADO

---

Abby’s Incorrect Advice:

DEAR CROWDED: Why is your youngest grandchild afraid of your daughter’s boyfriend? Has he been physically or emotionally abusive or “grooming” her? If you don’t know the answer, it is important you find out so you can intervene, if necessary. If there is physical abuse or possibly grooming going on, CPS should be notified. A potential solution might be to invite your grandchildren to live with you until they are out of school and able to live on their own. Your daughter, her husband and her boyfriend may be happier with all of the children out of the picture. Parents of the year, they are not.

---

An Analysis of the Letter:

DEAR PARENT OF A SEX FIEND IN COLORADO: What is wrong with you? I… I just… I have been giving people unsolicited advice since I was in preparatory preschool, and I… I have never… I have never heard of anything as depraved as this s-m-u-t you have written to a national advice columnist. It is precisely this type of pornography that leads young people astray and causes them to visit strippers.

Shame!

Of course, it is a surprise to no one that a situation such as this would occur in Colorado, a state that shelters Hippies and cultivates permissiveness for the vile and destructive drug that is marijuana — or, as the children sometimes call it, Mary Jane.

You start off this letter by saying your adult daughter is married?! She most definitely is not married! The Righteous and True Holy Church of the Most High God would never — I repeat never allow one of its Chosen Few to wed a woman of such despicable character. Must I remind you of the omniscience of the Truest of the True Supreme God and His Ability to see all that is to come in the future? Knowing that the One Who Stands Ready to Guide Us All already saw your daughter’s sexual debauchery before she even descended into the pits of carnal hell, do you think in His Holy Wisdom, He would have allowed a member of His Select Guard to bestow the Holy Rites of Matrimony onto such an unholy union?

I think not!

Shame!

As you should know, a true lady is never alone in the same room with two men, let alone the same bed. I believe I speak for all who have read your obscene work when I say your daughter is obviously reflecting the poor morals with which she was raised by you and your husband. Might your outrage be an overcompensation for your own sexual promiscuity or your own husband’s lack of properly sized genitalia?

Shame!

The only redeeming thing in your scandalous missive is that the debauchery seems to — at least for now — have been halted with your daughter’s offspring. This is surely a reflection of the reality that all of us share a father through our true genetic ancestry with the pure and righteous Adam.

Your grandchildren rightly see their mother’s deplorable behavior as scandalous, immoral, disgusting, filthy and depraved. It is entirely right and proper for them to want to flee from such a situation and cast curses behind them as they go so that their parents and whoever this boy-toy is burn for eternity in the fiery depths of hell.

And let’s talk about your daughter’s supposed “husband,” for a moment. When a proper man chooses a mate, he marks his turf and wards off all possible interlopers with rage and vengeance. Why, when my husband, Chaim, selected me to be his bride, he arranged a ceremony in which he invited all our friends and family to the country club and then ritualistically urinated in a large circle around where I stood –a symbol that no person would be allowed to enter within a 14-foot radius of me while holding unclean intentions.

And let me tell you, that took a lot of urine. Poor Chaim was up for 24 hours straight drinking pitcher after pitcher of water, and when the ceremony had to be delayed 20 minutes because the sacrificial rooster had not yet arrived for him to slay, he nearly had an accident in the pants section of the tuxedo he had custom-made for the occasion. Yet that temporary discomfort served only to emphasize the warning. And I will tell you this: Not one person has ever come close to me since that ceremony.

Your daughter’s sexual play-things are not men. They are instruments of the devil whom, if you had half an ounce of courage, you would smite with all the anger of a mother scorned. As to the fact that you have not, I can only say this:

Shame!

---

An Analysis of Abby’s Flawed Advice:

This woman once again starts out by showing her ignorance, keying in on the least significant portion of your letter. Instead of quickly, forcefully and angrily condemning your harlot of a daughter, she focuses on the boy-toy and why your grandchild might be afraid of him. As if that isn’t obvious!

Shame!

Oh dear Abby, the grandchild is obviously afraid of the boy-toy because he’s sleeping in the same bed as her mother and father, which makes him a good candidate to be an incubus, and if you don’t know they danger such things present, oh great giver of horrible advice, look it up.

Then this woman who is obviously suffering from some sort of brain disease, offers a “potential solution” and says you should invite your grandchildren to live with you until they are able to move out on their own.

Shame!

The only reason those children should ever be near you, your husband, their mother, their father, the boy-toy and any other members of your deranged family is when they have the opportunity to heap dirt upon your graves!

Abby tries to make herself seem strong by ending her pitiful excuse for advice with “parents of the year, they are not.” I say to you, dear Abby: Advice giver of the year, you are not. Any advice short of suggesting a way to lock up the entire disgusting, satanic trio is insufficient. And if, after consulting your team of attorneys, you cannot find an existing charge on which to jail these heathens, it is time to contact your private investigators to begin the process of planting evidence for a felony that would see them locked up for life.

---

The Correct Advice:

DEAR PARENT OF A SEX FIEND: The advice Abby should have given you and that I will give you today is as simple as it is effective: Read.

Grab a good book and spend the time you would otherwise think about trying to weasel your way into custody of children who have somehow managed to escape the clutches of your family’s immoral godlessness by learning something useful.

When I am confronted with situations in which my motherly inadequacies are put on display for all to see, I value nothing more than some Lucy Time, during which I position myself ramrod straight in the most uncomfortable chair in our sitting room and open a heartwarming tale from a fine work on the Russian Revolution.

Yes, nothing sooths the soul that has so recently been made aware of its parental shortcomings as a book dealing with the violent overthrow of a government followed by genocide and decade after decade of deprivation.

But beware! Not all tomes on the Russian Revolution are safe! Some have hints of sympathy for the Communists, and as our great former leader who was chosen to lead this nation by the One True Maker of Presidents (and who soon will be restored to his rightful throne at the right hand of our Lord and Savior, the One and Only Jesus Christ Who Talked Openly and Frequently About American Exceptionalism) has said, we must always be on guard to prevent the creeping spread of such an insidious ideology.

With that in mind, after my careful, scrupulous investigation, here are three recommendations:

1. History of the Russian Revolution, by Leon Trotsky

I make a point never to be friendly with a person named “Leon.” But just because I would never invite this man to step one foot on any one of our estates doesn’t mean this book is anything less than brilliant. It is a beautifully written account by a major participant in the revolution. I am sure you are asking, “Lucy, how could you include a book on this list written by an avowed Marxist?” Good question, and the answer is simple: Trotsky was struck down by an ax-wielding assassin while hiding out in Mexico, and, thus, this book should serve as a warning to you and everyone else who would allow such godless, debasing ideals as Communism and polyamorism to take hold of their sacred families.

2. The Autobiography of a Sexually Emancipated Communist Woman, by Alexandra Kollantai

Ah yes, another choice that, to the uneducated, would appear a puzzling selection to receive the Lucy Robertson-Rosenblatt seal of approval. But for those with who put a little more effort into their judgments, it becomes quite obvious as to why this book is recommended reading. Don’t want to put in the work? Of course you don’t. So just read this excerpt:

“I realised that I had thereby achieved a victory not only for myself, but for women in general … When on occasion I am told that it is truly remarkable that a woman has been appointed to such a responsible position, I always think to myself that in the final analysis … what is of a wholly special significance here is that a woman, like myself, who has settled scores with the double standard and who has never concealed it, was accepted into a caste which to this very day staunchly upholds tradition and pseudo-morality.”

It is now painfully obvious as to why Ms. Kollantai’s work receives my hearty “It is OK to read this.” Her insanity provides an accurate depiction of what happens to a woman when she thinks herself above the station to which the Most High God has placed her, as indicated by the fact that the subservient gender makes up only 5 percent of the named historical figures accurately represented in the Good Book.

It is so blatantly obvious that the large words with complex meanings she says in this example alone were fed to her by her husband and were done so to be used as propaganda to support the Communist state by giving the men of that otherwise dour culture a good chuckle. Kind of like how you, Parent of a Sex Fiend, are the laughing stock of your social circle at whatever second-rate country club to which your family belongs because of the ignorance of your own moral failures.

3. Towards the Flame: Empire, War and the End of Tsarist Russia, by Dominic Lieven

The first chapter of this work is vital for you to read. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not next year. Now! It is a stunningly accurate portrayal of the conditions in tsarist Russian that indicated a revolution was inevitable. As Mr. Lieven notes, the decaying empire “created a hole in the centre of decision-making that (the tsar) was unable to fill.” The subsequent revolution would claim up to 12 million lives. And that is the lesson you must learn! You — or, more accurately, your so-called husband — have allowed your empire to decay, and now the very fabric of our democracy is at stake! And I dare say this: There is zero chance that I will allow myself to be claimed as one of the victims in the revolution your moral turpitude sparks!

And that, Parent of a Sex Fiend, is the right advice!

Lucy Robertson-Rosenblatt is an advice columnist from who seeks to set the record straight on all matters of great importance. Her column is popular in Southeast Asia and is run weekly on Tuesdays in “The Government’s Pelita Brunei,”

---