Ya know what pisses me off? Bumpa stickas.
Der I was da otha day, drivin’ down da street in my sweet-ass 1981 yellow T-top Camero, mindin’ my own business and listenin’ to some Pantera, when alls of a sudden, like a bat outta hell, dis frickin’ Maazda comes flyin’ by me and den cuts into my lane.
I was like, I was like, ya know what I was like? Dis is what I was like, I was like, “Screw dat!”
Just when I was figurin’ out how I was gonna get this stoonad back, I sees somethin’. Know what I see? I sees all these fuckin’ bumpa stickas all ova his bumpa. And not jus on his bumpa. All over da back and sides of his car. Look at dis shit right here:
So we pull up to a light, and I’m just pissed off, cause you know me, right? I’m, like, really, pissed off — a lot. And den I start readin’. I just start readin’ all dem bumpa stickas. Do you see those fuckin’ tings?
“Bush Lied, Soldiers Died.” Oh really? Screw dat! Our soldias are honorable young men who willingly gave der lives to support one of da greatest presidents dis country has eva seen! He neva lied ta us. You pansy leftist commies just didn’t like hearin’ somma da trute he was layin’ down.
So now I’m gettin’ more pissed off. And den I see, “Earth First.”
Whatdafuck? Youkiddinme? Earth First? Excuse me, but I believe I read dat da Lord said dat we were put here as, like, rulas ova everyting, right? Da Earth can be first when dat bitch stops shootin’ up lava all over da place and shakin’ dose poor Haiotian kids all over da place and makin’ dem orphans.
And den der was dis winna, dis winna dat says: “Nobody Died When Clinton Lied.” You serious? You seriously sayin’ dat? You seriously sayin’ dat Clinton lied and nobady died? You serious? Really? Really? You serious? Now it’s my turn ta drop a trute bomb on ya: You eva hearda Vince Fosta? Dey killed him and dumped his bady right der in da park. Fughetaboutit!
And dats when I see da clincha. Dats when I sees it. This prick is from frickin’ Oregon.
Now what da hell is dis hippie doin’ out hea all da ways from da Leftist Coast? Hasn’t anyone clued this fella in dat der are airplanes and he ain’t gotta drive all da way across the fuckin’ country ta get hea? Stupid hippie was probably so jacked up on dat weed dey made legal out der.
Whateva. Da point is dis: If you gonna drive around hea, you get one bumpa sticka, max. Anyting more dan dat and yous a fuckin’ prima donna who wants everyone ta look at him and see all da crazy shit he stands for. Screw dat!
I got one bumpa sticka and only one. It’s on my woik truck. It says “Proud memba of Union 5631” — cause dats what I am. But if I just started slappin’ bumpa stickas all up and down da truck wit everyting I believe? Screw dat!
Why do you care if I support da Second Amendment and dat I gotta gun dat’d make Dirty Harry weep with joy unda my seat? What right do you have ta know I tink abortion is a mortal sin and dat tha Holy Fatha says ya goin’ ta hell? Do you really get to have an opinion on my opinion dat Trump needs ta be re-elected in 2024 to save dis country from da fuckin’ liberals? Screw dat!
So listen, a worda warnin’. If yous gonna drive ya little hippie car all da way out hea, respect our traditions and peel all dat shit off beforeya get hea. Capeesh?
“Pissed Off” Paulie Magnotti has worked heavy construction for the past 35 years. He lives downtown and spends his free time on the stoop with da guys from Da Old Naybahhood. When he and da boys go out, he likes to drive his mint-condition yellow T-top 1981 Camero — with no bumpa stickas on it.
More From ‘Screw Dat!’
Ya know what pisses me off? School supplies. So I was walkin’ tru da depahtment store da otter day lookin’ for a birthday caad for my girl Alice. Her birthday is comin’ up dis Satuhday, and I wanted ta get her a nice caad to go wit da present I got her. So I pick…
Ya know what pisses me off? Dees numbnuts who say dat der dogs or cats are der “fur babies.” Gimme a frickin’ break. So I was walkin’ down da street dee udder day with my girl Alice, and I see dis woman pushin’ a stroller. Now, Alice is fine, lemme tell ya, but dis woman?…
Ya know what pisses me off? Speed bumps. Der I was da otha weekend, up in the country with my girl, Alice. Me and Alice, we was drivin’ around up there with da cows and da horses and all dat clean air, and we was gettin’ a little, shall we say, amorous, if ya know…
Ya know what pisses me off? Gas pumps. What gives gas stations the right to take up my precious time with questions I don’t wanna answer? I come here for one purpose and one purpose only, and dats to get gas. Well, that and to use your john if I’ve eaten a few lunch-time hot…