Speed Bumps

Ya know what pisses me off? Speed bumps.

Der I was da otha weekend, up in the country with my girl, Alice. Me and Alice, we was drivin’ around up there with da cows and da horses and all dat clean air, and we was gettin’ a little, shall we say, amorous, if ya know what I mean. So I says to Alice, I says I says, “Hey, Alice. Let’s you and me pull off into dat park and find a place where wees can, ya know, do da deed. Hey-oh!

And of course, Alice is good to go cause, like I told yas, Alice is always good to go and twice on Saturdays and three times on Sundays!

So I’m goin’ down dat little lane to da back of da park, and we’re just cruisin’ along like nobody’s business, ya know? We’re in my mint-condition yellow 1981 Camero with the T-top, and man, the sun is just kissin’ Alice’s dark Italian skin like I was about to kiss it, if ya catch my drift.

And den, allofasudden, BOOM! It was like I hit a fuckin’ beached whale or somethin’. Da whole underparts of my Camero just scraped up and over dis fuckin’ bump in da road. So I says to Alice, I says, “Hey Alice, whadafuck was dat?” and she looks back and says to me, she says to me, “Paulie, dats a fuckin’ speed bump, dats what dat was” and I says, “A fuckin’ speed bump? Whydafuck dey puttin’ a speed bump where no one is speedin’, Alice? Tell me dat. Please. Explain it to me cuz I gotta know.”

And ya know what? She didn’t have no answer cause there is no answer for puttin’ a speed bump where no one is speedin’. Screw dat!

That’s why I hate speed bumps as a whole ting, ya know? I mean, dey got a speed limit already. What, do dey think I’m stupid and can’t read der little signs? Dey think, “Hey, here’s a real stunad who’s gonna read the speed limit sign in the park and just drive a-hundred-and-fitty miles an hour and smush all dem little kiddies,” is dat what dey tink? So dey just put a big fuckin” bump in da road?

Those tings might be aaight where no one drives a sweet-ass ride like mine dat just hugs the ground, if you know what I’m talkin’ about. But what? Dey tink my car can just climb up and over dat bump like it’s Mount Vestoovius or Mount Kildamanjeero or whatevah? Screw dat!

So I tells Alice, I tells her when we get done doin’ what we came der to do, I tells her, “Hey Alice, ya know what I’m gonna do?” I says to her, I says this, I says: “Alice, I’m gonna send dees bastads da bill for fixin’ my car. Whattayoutink, I’m gonna pay for da damage from der stupid street bumps?” Screw that!

“Pissed Off” Paulie Magnotti has worked heavy construction for the past 35 years. He lives downtown and spends his free time on the stoop with da guys from Da Old NaybahhoodWhen he and da boys go out, he likes to drive his mint-condition yellow T-top 1981 Camero.

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