There is no excuse ever for a woman to remove her wedding ring after she has taken vows to be wed to a man. Any man who allows such an atrocity will never truly be a man.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I separated three months ago. She has moved out into her own apartment. We are not legally separated or divorced. She removed her wedding ring three weeks after she left. I want to reconcile. Whether she does at this point, she’s not sure. She says she isn’t seeing anyone, nor is she interested in anyone. I want to keep wearing my wedding ring, but because she’s not wearing hers, I feel like an idiot wearing mine. What is the proper etiquette for us? — CAN’T LET GO
Abby’s Incorrect Advice:
DEAR CAN’T LET GO: A wedding ring indicates that the person — female or male — is unavailable for a romantic involvement. When your wife removed her ring, the message she was sending out is that her marriage is over — whether you two are officially divorced or not. Now you need to do what is comfortable for yourself. Because you want to reconcile, give her a deadline to make up her mind whether the separation is permanent, and suggest marriage counseling to settle your differences. After that, if she still isn’t interested and wants a divorce, talk to a lawyer.
An Analysis of the Letter:
DEAR WUSSY MAN: What is wrong with you? First, you succumbed to worldly pressure and believed in such a thing as separation, though you rightly declared it is not a legal state of being. Then you continue to allow your wife to walk around like a two-bit trollop in the night without her wedding ring on, choosing instead to write into an advice columnist.
You write, “She says she isn’t seeing anyone,” (emphasis is my own correct interpretation). This rightly suggests the now-ringless hussy you married is out fornicating with half the town — or maybe even two-thirds! It is obvious you have made a poor choice in a women to spend all of eternity with. Make no mistake — you spineless, impotent little man — that that is exactly the decision you made when you two, both pure and virginal in front of God and your families at the front of His Blessed Church, agreed to be joined together in holy matrimony. In a quite literal sense, two became one in the moment the Chosen Vessel of God, having been given perfect foresight from the Lord on High, declared you to be man and wife in advance of you bestowing upon each other gentle pecks on the cheek.
Do you think such an Important Man in the Court of the Highest Judge would have allowed you two to wed if, with that perfect foresight, he envisioned your current state of affairs (and I use that last word purposefully and righteously)? No! You two are most clearly out of alignment with The Maker of Heaven and Earth and All That is Upon It. How can you say that you two are “separated” when you two are one? Can you separate a child into two parts and have each of those pieces live independently from one other? No! You absolutely cannot!
Then you say that you want to keep wearing your ring but “feel like an idiot” because she is not wearing hers.
You should, indeed, feel like an idiot, because you are one. But it is not because she has chosen to become the village tramp. It is because you are such a weak little man. No husband of mine would ever dream of sounding so small in a public forum. That is reserved for our marital bedroom, as it should be for you!
You ask for proper etiquette. Try this on for size: Be a man! That is the etiquette in a situation in which your woman has attempted to leave what cannot be left. Stop sniveling in a print and exposing your inadequacies to the world while she is lying on her back on every mattress in your neighborhood!
An Analysis of Abby’s Flawed Advice:
This woman once again starts out by showing her ignorance, suggesting that a wedding ring indicates a person is unavailable for romantic involvement.
A wedding ring on a woman symbolizes the complete lack of individual personhood she has blissfully elected to accept in return for the benefits of wifehood. In doing so, she receives all the glory befitting a proper wife, including housework, child rearing and tending to her fellow when he is ill. Yes, those duties also involve the proper care of her husband in a sexual manner, but there is no mention of the word “romance” in any vows I have ever prescribed to the young couples who ask me for advice.
Abby suggests your wife is “sending out” a “message” that your marriage is over. As if she has that right in front of Our Supreme Being Who Bonds Two People Together in Eternal Commitment to One Another! She can try to send whatever message she wants; there is no one at the other end of the line in the telegraph office to receive her dots and dashes!
Then she goes on to advise you to “do what is comfortable for yourself.” Listen, you limp, broken, brain-damaged wuss. Marriage has nothing to do with comfort, and it sure as h-e-double-hockey-sticks is not about comfort for yourself.
Marriage is all about extracting whatever comfort you as a man can receive from your wife. Your own individual pursuits mean nothing if you are not being lifted up by a loyal, devoted, submitting woman as The Lord Our Savior Who Took the Nails For Me was lifted up on that cross. Yes, indeed —lifted by a female marital partner who has taken her own individual agency and stomped it under those 5-inch stilettos that come out only during approved and scheduled mommy-daddy playtime sessions.
And then there’s the coup de grace! This simple-minded purveyor of atrocities suggests that, if you fail to convince your wife of the error of her ways, you should consult an attorney! Excuse me, but since when did barristers of the court begin taking up the causes of childlike manboys who cannot handle their situations internally within a closed, repressive family structure?
Bringing your marital failure into an open court where anyone, even the Chosen Representative of The Most Awesome God Before the People of His Holy Church Who Brought You Two Together in the Holiest of Matrimony, could just traipse in and get a good whiff of your dirty laundry is an action intolerable before Our Precious Lord and Savior, the Ultimate High Priest and True Guardian of the Galaxy.
The Correct Advice:
DEAR WUSSY MAN: The advice Abby should have given you and that I will give you today is as simple as it is effective: Read. Grab a good book and spend the time you would otherwise think about your degenerate wife figuring out where your manhood has gone, because it certainly is not between your legs anymore, mister.
When I am dealing with my own vast collection of marital inadequacies, I like to sit down in my rigid-backed chair near a fire emitting heat at precisely 87 degrees Fahrenheit measured at my position exactly 7 feet away and open a good tome on electricity.
But you must remember and be constantly vigilant! By mindful never to ingest a substandard work on electric engineering that could poison your mind!
My three favorites are as follows:
1. Power Electronics, by Daniel W. Hart.
Despite the incorrect spelling of his own last name, Mr. Heart has produced a profound work for undergraduate students pursuing electrical engineering. The best part of this book is that is takes complicated and difficult topics and makes them easy to grasp.
Which should be helpful to someone such as yourself, who cannot even grasp the simple concepts of how to marry correctly and how to properly control your wife.
2. The Fundamentals of Electric Circuits, Seventh Edition, by Charles Alexander and Matthew Sadiku
A word of caution! Do not mistakenly read the disgusting abomination that is the Sixth Edition! Why things went so horribly awry may be anyone’s guess, but my guess is assuredly better. I think we have a good indication of what was happening based on the mail I viewed in Mr. Sadiku’s mailbox during this time, mail addressed to a “Matt Sadiku” — not Matthew.
His mother gave him his proper name and he spent an entire edition masquerading as someone else?
Thanks to the intercepted phone calls from loyal co-author Charles (not Charlie or Chuck or Chaz) Alexander, I know with certainty that Matthew is back on the path set forth by our Righteous Creator, Giver of All Things, Who Was and Is and Is to Come and Provides Us With The Answers to All of Our Questions and Supplies Us With Our Due Measures When We Are In Want and In Need.
The best thing about this book is its step-by-step exercises that make practical problems simpler. Much like you need to spend the time creating a step-by-step guide to make it simpler for you to forcefully re-apply your wife’s finger trap while simultaneously rediscovering that Y chromosome you misplaced in your diaper drawer.
Solid State Electronic Devices, by Ben G. Streetman and Sanjay Kumar Banerjee
Before we go any further, yes, I did do a comprehensive search and hired a private investigator to ensure Mr. Streetman’s given name is, indeed, Ben and not Benjamin. Now that we have that worry taken care of, I can whole-heartedly recommend this page-turner, which, as I’m sure you know, is used worldwide by anyone wanting to improve himself (certainly not herself) in this field.
You know another thing that has worldwide adoption? The principles of marriage and the sanctity therein that cannot be denied or explained away with words such as “separation” and “I’m too wussy to lead my woman on the path of righteousness.”
You, sir, are an embarrassment and have much work to do.
Get to reading!
Lucy Rosenblatt is an advice columnist from who seeks to set the record straight on all matters of great importance. Her column is popular in Southeast Asia and is run weekly on Tuesdays in “The Government’s Pelita Brunei,”
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