Johnny Boy Marketing

An Introduction:

It is never OK to have relations with your cousin. Never. Ever. To do anything to legitimize such contemptable actions is worthy of hellfire and damnation.

The Letter:

DEAR ABBY: When I was 16, my cousin “Mary” came from Georgia to New York to stay with us for the summer. After a short time we began experimenting with French kissing, which led to more things happening between us. Mary went home at the end of summer.

We are both 50 now, and I recently learned she became pregnant back then with a daughter and never married. The DNA indicates she is mine. My question is, how do I explain to my wife that I need to be there for my daughter? I never had any other kids, as my wife can’t have children. Please help me. — PAST HISTORY IN OKLAHOMA

Abby’s Incorrect Advice:

DEAR PAST HISTORY: Is your wife aware of the short affair you had with your cousin? If not, start the conversation by telling her about your youthful “adventure.” Once she has digested the information, explain that you intend to get to know your daughter. Do not tell her the reason is that she couldn’t give you children, which would be cruel and unnecessary.

An Analysis of the Letter:

DEAR COUSIN-LOVER: What is wrong with you? First, your permissive parents welcome a Southern trollop into the familial home for an entire summer. As you indicated, it didn’t take you long to think that having inappropriate relations with a close relative is an acceptable form of behavior. Shame on you! Your attempt to describe it as “experimenting” is a reflection of our nation’s liberal culture in which citizens attempt to justify their improper behavior by attaching it to the noble field of science.

Why do you not even give her real name? Cohorts in such contemptable behavior should be publicly identified so all future suitors can be properly warned.

You are disgustingly cavalier in your use of “French kissing,” but you demonstrate your inner shame in your inability to use any terms for the hedonistic intercourse that led to the creation of a child.

“Led to more things happening between us…” I’d say so!

You further attempt to remove yourself from the situation by using words such as “she became pregnant” and “The DNA indicates (the shameful illegitimate child) is mine.”

Excuse me, sir, but the Southern vixen did not mysteriously become pregnant. You inseminated her while both she and you were underage and unwed. That is contemptable.

To say the DNA indicates this product of immoral cousin relations is your seed is to ignore the magnificent advancement of science in which a child can be linked to a parent with certainty in excess of 99.9%. If you are suggesting you are that miniscule fraction of a percentage point, I would remind you that you had intercourse with your cousin. From Georgia, no less.

You followed this horrendous decision up with yet another questionable choice, choosing a wife who can bear you no children. Fertility and womanhood go together like a hand in a glove during winter in Siberia, which is to say that the link is essential and needed to continue life.

I think I have made my point quite clear.

An Analysis of Abby’s Flawed Advice:

How wrong it is for this woman to suggest straightaway that, if your barren wife is unaware of your poor choices and inability to control your animalistic urges, you should “start the conversation by telling her about your youthful adventure”! Indeed! I am offended on many deep and personal levels!

Let’s work backwards with this embarrassingly backwards “advice.”

Adventure? Choosing a cousin for a summer bedmate and then sending her back to the wilds of the South is not an adventure! It is an exercise in debauchery. There is a reason for the Mason-Dixon line in our country, and if it does not weed out unsuitable mates, for what is it there, exactly?

Youthful? Dear Abby uses the same tactic as you in trying to excuse your unacceptable behavior! When I was 16, I was helping Father run our backyard oil wells and refinery. I had no time for sexual relations with my cousin, no matter how handsome he might be. And you shouldn’t have had such time either! Shame on your parents for not supervising you properly and giving you the pr0per work ethic to go out and produce something tangible for the good of your family and your society! I say again: Shame!

Finally, you should most definitely not “start a conversation” with anyone about your wanton sexual aggression toward your relative. Shame is an intensely personal lesson best addressed in private and should never be spread to anyone, ever. Do not be sucked in by the prevailing culture of “I’m going to talk with my therapist about it,” for this spreads the shame of your family to outsiders. No, Cousin-Lover, you must keep this shame deep down in your soul and use it as a constant reminder of your evil nature as a man and a compass to point you in more appropriate directions.

The Correct Advice:

The advice Abby should have given you and that I will give you today is as simple as it is effective: Read. Grab a good book and spend the time you would otherwise think about your long-ago harlot and illegitimate Southern child actually learning something to improve yourself. I know that, when I am dealing with my own vast collection of shames, there is no more soothing balm than a good astronomy, physics or mathematics book.

But — as I am sure you know, given your Northeastern United States pedigree and despite the fact that they expelled you to Oklahoma for reasons you do not reveal — you should not just grab any astronomy, physics or mathematics book. Such things are like fine wine — some years are better than others. Might I suggest a nice 2018?

My top 3 choices are as follows.

1. Losing the Nobel Prize: A Story of Cosmology, Ambition, and the Perils of Science’s Highest Honor by Brian Keating

This book tops my list of recommendations for you because it also deals with shame. That this gentleman chose to write an entire book about losing highlights the work he, like you, need to put into improving your souls.

2. Lost in Math by Sabine Hossenfelder 

The most wonderful thing about this book is that it recognizes the peril created when we search for beauty. The author correctly asserts that no major breakthroughs have been made in physics for more than four decades because physicists have lost their way and seek out pretty things, which is at odds with scientific objectivity. This has given rise to a bunch of, excuse my language, C R A P like string theory and particle physics that cannot be tested, making them useless pursuits — much like having relations with your cousin.

3. Chasing New Horizons: Inside the Epic First Mission to Pluto by Alan Stern and David Grinspoon

This book tells the story of a group of underdogs who overcame all odds to achieve the goal of shooting something toward the ends of our solar system. The best parts of the book are the detailed descriptions of administrative and political processes throughout the nearly three decades between the idea and the launch. Which should serve as a good reminder for you that the best thing you can do when you get an urge to violate a relative is wait 30 years and see if the urge passes.

Lucy Rosenblatt is an advice columnist who seeks to set the record straight on all matters of great importance. Her column is popular in Southeast Asia and is run weekly on Tuesdays in “The Government’s Pelita Brunei,”