Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler.
Over in another part of this site, you can meet my California relative, Q.F. Conseco. His branch of the family tree is by far the most interesting to sprout in at least the past 500 years — and as the family genealogist, I should know.
Q.F. is a blend of hippie technophobe (he mails me his blogs on handwritten scraps of paper), deep-thinking existentialist and outright weirdo. He also happens to know a lot of stuff about obscure historical and current events, which makes his “The Crazy Life” blog extremely entertaining.
Latest From ‘The Crazy Life’
Trying to Reconcile America’s Racial Hypocrisy
Top 5 Things You’ll Learn If You Read This Whole Thing: You can never quite catch up with the present. Weird isn’t weird if you don’t think it’s weird. The exception to theContinue reading “Trying to Reconcile America’s Racial Hypocrisy”
What A Cult Is … And Isn’t
Top 5 Things You’ll Learn If You Read This Whole Thing: If you tell someone you grew up on a commune, be prepared for an interesting conversation. Bob’s last name was “Cockburn.” CultsContinue reading “What A Cult Is … And Isn’t”
The Time God Burned Up His Son — And They Rebuilt It
Top 5 Things You’ll Learn If You Read This Whole Thing: Never… ever… try to sneak a baptism in on a commune mom’s kid. Perhaps the sign we’re waiting for is our abilityContinue reading “The Time God Burned Up His Son — And They Rebuilt It”
What I heard yesterday from my doctor’s office was more in line with something someone from the Conseco clan would come up with for a remedy to the disgusting-yet-not-physically-apparent mouth hell I’m doing through.
I had messaged the doc the night before to let her know about the failed steroid experiment and see if maybe-just-maybe she had something else up her sleeve to help give me some relief.
The response from her nurse (or perhaps Q.F.)? “She said that we could try and treat you with magic mouthwash as the next step.”
Excuse me? Did you say magic mouthwash? As in abracadabra mouthwash? As in Harry Potter accio mouthwash? We really are going to exit the realm of modern medicine and go with a product with “magic” in the name? Really? We’re doing that?
Now, to be sure: This entire Longhauler journey has been bizarro from the start. But never in a million years did I think something called “magic mouthwash” would enter the scene.
I called up Q.F. (on his landline, or course, which is attached to a corded handset) to see if this was one of the “alternative medicines” he loves to tout for everything from hangnails to hip replacements.
“Dude,” I said. “I am not opposed to trying anything. If there’s a root in the middle of the Amazon surrounded on all sides by tribes of hungry cannibals and it has even a 25 percent chance of working, I’m goin’ in, but…”
“Never heard of it, dude,” he replied. We say “dude” a lot when we talk with each other. “Why don’t you look it up on the internet?”
Which is about the point I realized I truly am in bizzaro world because, as mentioned, Q.F. is a technophobe who last was on the internet back when you’d be disproportionately excited if you were greeted with a robotic, “You’ve got mail.”
But Q.F. was, as is surprisingly common, right in what my next step needed to be. So I googled it and found, somewhat disappointedly, that this wasn’t a groovy-and-legal hallucinogenic drug but rather a rinse-and-spit compound composed of:
- An antibiotic to kill bacteria.
- Antifungal medicine to get yeast back in balance. (To which I add… eww.)
- Lidocaine or other numbing medicine to soothe the pain from mouth sores.
- Steroids or antihistamines to reduce inflammation.
Sounds lovely. Dare I say… magical?
I followed up with the doctor. Neither she nor I are under any illusion that this stuff is actually going to work. She is unashamedly flummoxed as to what is going on with me, and I have the benefit of thousands of dollars of failed experiments to bolster my own pessimism. That said, I sit here anxiously awaiting the text from my pharmacy alerting me to the crazy fact that my very own magic mouthwash is ready, if only so I can then forevermore tell people I once tried magic mouthwash.
Oh, what interesting sights dot the sides of Longhauler Boulevard.
First-Quarter List Review! Successes and Oopses and Covid Improvements
Time is a fascinating concept to me. I’ve written about it before, but it just seems so arbitrary sometimes. It amazes me how we can suck at it so badly that we have toContinue reading “First-Quarter List Review! Successes and Oopses and Covid Improvements”
List Items Achieved! #51: Pants
By the middle of 2021, I was, in a word, fat. Not the cool kind of fat, as in phat, but just plain-old fat. In the middle of my battle with Longhaul Covid andContinue reading “List Items Achieved! #51: Pants”
Happy Covidaversary To Me — Nov. 15, 2021
🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩A Year of Hell 😷Where’s Ben? 💔Profiting From Pollution 🏭 Happy Covidaversary to me. On this day one year ago, I had a Q-tip shoved up my nose to confirmContinue reading “Happy Covidaversary To Me — Nov. 15, 2021”
Inside the Fight to Be Positive About All This
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Lindsey is perhaps the most positive person I’e ever met. I worked with her for about six or seven years last decade, and IContinue reading “Inside the Fight to Be Positive About All This”
Ozone and Ultraviolet Rays? What the Hell?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. There are times in a person’s life in which he finds himself wondering how he got where he is. I remember feeling that wayContinue reading “Ozone and Ultraviolet Rays? What the Hell?”
To Those Who Refuse to Be Vaccinated, Jump Off a Bridge
Hi, my name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I finally have had enough. I have sat in my workspace and listened to a coworker talk incessantly about why she wouldn’t be vaccinatedContinue reading “To Those Who Refuse to Be Vaccinated, Jump Off a Bridge”
Why You Shouldn’t Say ‘This Too Shall Pass’
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. To tell someone suffering from a chronic illness such as Longhaul COVID that “This too shall pass” is to invite a punch to theContinue reading “Why You Shouldn’t Say ‘This Too Shall Pass’”
A Look Inside the Uncertainty of a Longhauler’s Fight
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Saturday was a really, really good day that capped off a really, really good week. Ever since I changed my diet after visiting aContinue reading “A Look Inside the Uncertainty of a Longhauler’s Fight”
Longhaulers Are Killing Themselves; Here’s Why — And What You Can Do To Help
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. When the coronavirus epidemic shut down the country in March 2020, Kent Taylor refused to accept his base salary as chief executive officer ofContinue reading “Longhaulers Are Killing Themselves; Here’s Why — And What You Can Do To Help”
From Mike Tyson to Choo-Choos, a Lesson in Brain Training
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It was a quarter ’til why-do-they-start-school-so-early on a Monday morning, and I was about to kick Mike Tyson’s ass. Of course, if history wasContinue reading “From Mike Tyson to Choo-Choos, a Lesson in Brain Training”
Redefining the Talk About What’s In Our Heads
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I have never and likely will never meet Jeremy Devine. Nor will most of you. Yet that doesn’t stop me from thinking it wouldn’tContinue reading “Redefining the Talk About What’s In Our Heads”
COVID Teaches Me I’m … Good at Math?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. There are several truths in my family, among them: When my wife says we’re leaving someplace in 10 minutes, go ahead and get comfortableContinue reading “COVID Teaches Me I’m … Good at Math?”
Why You Might Want to Give Functional Medicine a Shot
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It’s an odd thing to one minute be talking about your childhood and the next be telling the same person how many bowel movementsContinue reading “Why You Might Want to Give Functional Medicine a Shot”
Getting Back to ‘The Stack’
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I read a book this weekend. Well, more accurately, I read 12 pages of a book. This is neither a monumental accomplishment in theContinue reading “Getting Back to ‘The Stack’”
Into This Crazy Life, We Bring an African Child
Dieudonne became a part of our household amidst chaos, grief and weariness. Objectively speaking, it wasn’t a good time for us to welcome a 4-year-old with medical issues who didn’t speak a word ofContinue reading “Into This Crazy Life, We Bring an African Child”
(My) Top 10 Ways to Cope With Longhaul COVID
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I’m quite convinced that most adults have at least one of “those stories.” You know what I’m talking about… the stories that gets rehashedContinue reading “(My) Top 10 Ways to Cope With Longhaul COVID”
Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear: Number 5!
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I can do stuff. Some of it, I can do easily all the time. Some of it, I can do easily some of theContinue reading “Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear: Number 5!”
When Your World Withers Away
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Looking back, it’s clear when this little trend started. It was back in January, which, not surprisingly, is when it first hit me thatContinue reading “When Your World Withers Away”
Here’s What Real Longhaulers Are Saying; Are You Listening?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Many people honestly struggle to see the world through anything other than their own filters. People believe the world is a certain way becauseContinue reading “Here’s What Real Longhaulers Are Saying; Are You Listening?”
The Prednisone Experiment and the Scientific Method
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It is a fact that I would be a 46-year-old high school junior if not for Amanda Bortz. To put it mildly, me andContinue reading “The Prednisone Experiment and the Scientific Method”
A One-Word Definition for COVID: Isolation
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Come with me on a journey through time… Way back in the early days of the plague, back when the number of people inContinue reading “A One-Word Definition for COVID: Isolation”
And Now, An Epic Longhauler Rant
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. And I’m about to lose my shit. Here’s the truth: I am about to break. And the scary thing is, I can feel it.Continue reading “And Now, An Epic Longhauler Rant”
How Does This Ride End?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. My son talks a big game. The entire two-hour drive from our then-home in extremely rural Missouri to Six Flags near St. Louis, JoeyContinue reading “How Does This Ride End?”
The War Against Insomnia — And Longhaul COVID
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. So let’s put this all out there. All of us. Collectively. As Longhaulers. Let’s just list it all. Everything. All the symptoms. Oh, I’veContinue reading “The War Against Insomnia — And Longhaul COVID”
Six Little Pills Offer One Last Shot
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Six tiny white pills are piled here on the desk next to me this morning, and I’m going to take them. These pills andContinue reading “Six Little Pills Offer One Last Shot”
Hunting Gnome-Took-A-Dump-In-Your-Mouth-itis
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It was jarring to be back in a doctor’s office waiting room today, to hand over my insurance card and driver’s license to beContinue reading “Hunting Gnome-Took-A-Dump-In-Your-Mouth-itis”
The Difference Between Good? and Good.
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. This morning on my 41-minute drive to work, I was a different person. Two people, actually. Bad versions of those two people, to beContinue reading “The Difference Between Good? and Good.”
Dr. House Isn’t Walking Through That Door
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I was late to the game for the TV show “House,” but I caught up quickly. I love the concept of the flawed hero,Continue reading “Dr. House Isn’t Walking Through That Door”
Sometimes You Just Have to Sing
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Driving down a rain-soaked highway, the morning sun cutting through angry black clouds at a severe angle. Cars flying past me on the left,Continue reading “Sometimes You Just Have to Sing”
COVID Might Have Saved My Life
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. So before we begin, let me set the scene a bit by saying this: Toxic optimism is annoying. Christian toxic optimism is even worse.Continue reading “COVID Might Have Saved My Life”
If You’ve Got a ‘Best,’ You’re a Lucky Longhauler
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. “Your insurance doesn’t cover it, so it’ll be $90 if you want it,” said the kind young woman who would be present as aContinue reading “If You’ve Got a ‘Best,’ You’re a Lucky Longhauler”
When Are You Just … Done?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I sat in my car as the late-morning sun warmed the interior, the only sound the soft purr of my Nissan Versa’s unimpressive engine.Continue reading “When Are You Just … Done?”
Please Don’t Shrug Your Shoulders; Just Drill My Tooth
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I have never wanted so badly to have a cavity. Or an impacted wisdom tooth (whatever that is). Or need a root canal. NoContinue reading “Please Don’t Shrug Your Shoulders; Just Drill My Tooth”
I Hate My Tongue
HI. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. The most powerful force on the planet has nothing to do with gravity, the ever-changing magnetic poles, love or faith in a deity. NotContinue reading “I Hate My Tongue”
Five Things Longhaulers Hate To Hear: Number 4!
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It takes a lot to get me outwardly, visibly angry. This is not to say that I don’t have a temper or that thingsContinue reading “Five Things Longhaulers Hate To Hear: Number 4!”
Top 3 Tips for Running a Longhauler Clinic
Hi. My name is John, and I am a COVID Longhauler. By the time the doctor came into the closet-like exam room in a non-descript medical building that is part of an enormous hospitalContinue reading “Top 3 Tips for Running a Longhauler Clinic”
Five Things Longhaulers Hate To Hear: Number 3!
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Her name is Sarah and she lives across an ocean and the only reason I know her at all is because, despite a thousandContinue reading “Five Things Longhaulers Hate To Hear: Number 3!”
What ‘Longhaul-COVID-Tired’ is really like
Hi. My name is John, and I have Longhaul COVID. It’s 4:15 p.m., and I shouldn’t be writing this. I should be resting. My body is screaming at me to rest. But right now?Continue reading “What ‘Longhaul-COVID-Tired’ is really like”
The Really Nice Woman Who Tried to Kill Me
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I am blessed to have a really good feel for people. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I just know someone’sContinue reading “The Really Nice Woman Who Tried to Kill Me”
Beastie Boy Lyrics? Yup. Did I pee? Hmm
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I grew up in the suburbs of New York City, a white middle class kid in a mostly white school district. And I lovedContinue reading “Beastie Boy Lyrics? Yup. Did I pee? Hmm”
Why exactly am I getting this vaccine?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I hate you, CNN. I hate you for many reasons, of course. You pioneered the 24-hour news cycle, which is what kicked off theContinue reading “Why exactly am I getting this vaccine?”
What should my expectations be of doctors?
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. So this afternoon I go to see an actual doctor at an actual doctor’s office. He will look into my actual eyes, the onesContinue reading “What should my expectations be of doctors?”
Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear: Number 2
Hi. My name is John. And I’m a COVID Longhauler. If you missed the first part of this series, well, that’s fine with me, but you might want to read it for a littleContinue reading “Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear: Number 2”
The Invasion of the Mouth Sores
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. My earliest symptom of COVID was this horrible, disgusting, metallic taste in my mouth. Before the exhaustion, before the brain fog, before the positiveContinue reading “The Invasion of the Mouth Sores”
Explaining Exhaustion
Hi. My name is John, and I’m a Longhauler. “So there it is. It’s right there on the end table. It’s, like, two feet away from your hand. You know you want it. YouContinue reading “Explaining Exhaustion”
Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear: Number 1!
Hi, my name is John, and I’m a Longhauler. Today we’re going to start the list of “Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear.” So here’s the deal: People mean well. They do. I’ve beenContinue reading “Five Things Longhaulers Hate to Hear: Number 1!”
The COVID Diaries
“It’s inevitable, and it’s not going to be good.” There was a certain moment in October when I remember feeling in my soul that I would get COVID. While I was being safe, wearingContinue reading “The COVID Diaries”
Telling Stories to Live 