Johnny Boy Marketing

Great Work. On Time. No Hassles.

Top 3 Tips for Running a Longhauler Clinic

Hi. My name is John, and I am a COVID Longhauler.

By the time the doctor came into the closet-like exam room in a non-descript medical building that is part of an enormous hospital complex, I was done. Fried. Finished.

Check Out The ‘Five Things’ Series

He stood in the doorway for a moment as I sat in a chair with my head leaning back against the wall, sweat dotting my bald head, the top button of my shirt unfastened and my tie loosened. The door had brushed my knees as he swung it open, and he apologized, turning sideways to avoid doing the same as he entered the room and sat down near me in front of a computer.

He introduced himself politely, professionally, compassionately, and then asked: “How are you doing?”

I moved my eyes to the right to look at him, unable to find the will to turn my whole head. He was young, handsome and reminded me of a manager at my previous job who was such a complete clown that I had this instant desire to dislike him.

“To be honest, really shitty,” I replied.

I am not a profane person. I curse more than I would like, but not usually around strangers or professionals. But this was a moment to emphasize the gravity of the situation, to put how I was really feeling in all-caps for him to understand.

So here’s the thing: By 3:30 p.m. on most days, I feel exhausted. The degree of exhaustion can be lessened if I’m smart and do the whole work-for-a-few-hours, rest-for-a-half-hour thing over and over and over again. On this day, I didn’t get to do that because of various personal and work commitments. Plus, the process of getting to the actual post-COVID clinic was a challenge — and illuminating.

So without further ado, here are my Top 3 Tips on Running a Longhauler Clinic.

Tip No. 1: Don’t have your doctor look like anyone your patient dislikes

When a patient makes an appointment, immediately text him a photo of whom his doctor is going to be. If the patient objects to the “cut of the doctor’s jib,” make sure the doctor undergoes extensive, pre-approved-by-the-patient plastic surgery or supply said doctor with a shopping bag (paper, not plastic. New York Jets fans will have a large supply) to wear over his head during the entire appointment.

JK, y’all.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Tip No. 2: Locate the Clinic in the Same ZIP Code as the Parking Lot

A huge part of why I was fried by the time Dr. Clown Manager saw me was because I had to do the equivalent of the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog race, sans the dogs and the sled, to get from where I had to park my car to the door of the clinic office.

If you are running a Longhauler clinic, you should be aware that, for many, many of your would-be patients, endurance isn’t exactly a strong suit right now. In my case, I’m good for about a hundred yards or so while not wearing a mask before I start to feel it. And that’s after a good rest. In this situation, it was about a hundred yards from the parking lot just to the front door of the building. It was then a Trail of Tears once I was inside the building, mask required, from the front door to the clinic.

What some places are doing is offering free valet parking. Longhauler clinic operators… do this! And make sure your patients know about it before their appointment.

But that wouldn’t have helped me because the parking lot to the front door was only a small part of the adventure. So perhaps think about having a staff member at the front door to assist patients to the actual clinic. Now, I know me, and I am pretty sure that if I had been met at the door by a nurse with a wheelchair, my response would have been, “No, I got this,” and I still would have walked. But then whatever happens is on me — and it gives my wife something to yell at me about/roll her eyes at when I tell her I ignored the offer.

When I dislocated my shoulder as a middle schooler, a doctor popped it back in and I was set to go. I had hurt my arm, not my legs. And I was still forced to be wheeled out of the hospital. In other words, don’t listen to idiots like me. Punch us in the jaw and wheel our unconscious bodies to the clinic. We’ll thank you in the long run.

The point is this: Many, many Longhaulers have zippo endurance, and a host of other symptoms are worsened by long walks wearing masks. If you want to see your patients at their absolute worst, sure, go ahead and make them do the Bataan Death March from car to clinic. But if you want to start things off on a good foot, offer valet parking and meet your patients at the door, and don’t listen to their stupid pseudo-macho bullcrap when they tell you, “No, I got this.” We don’t got this. Not at all.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Tip No. 3: Stop Killing Trees!

I opened the door to the clinic and walked inside. There was a gentleman in front of me who was checking in. I took a few deep, mask-encumbered breaths and waited my turn. The gentleman went his own way and I moved up to the counter. With a trickle of sweat dripping down the side of my face, I told the receptionist my name.

She, in turn, handed me a copy of War and Peace.

OK, maybe that’s a tad dramatic. But she did hand me about 25 pieces of paper that needed to be filled out, some with very precise information that required dates from decades ago.

To be fair, I was prepared to have to fill out some paperwork. When I made the appointment, I was told to arrive 40 minutes early because there was “a lot” of paperwork. And I get it: They’re trying to collect data because, ultimately, while I am now a patient, I’m not necessarily the main focus. I’m a data point as the medical community tries to learn more about what Longhaulers are going through so that, hopefully, they can eventually figure out what to do about it. This is not to suggest that the people I saw treated me like a data point. The physician I saw was excellent, thorough, compassionate and helpful (even if he did look like the clown manager).

But here’s the thing: Brain fog and cognitive impairments are real. I am blessed with an extremely high IQ and EQ. Yet there are times I’m reduced to sounding like a preschooler while trying to hold up my end of a conversation and even more times where I simply stop doing what I’m doing because I just can’t seem to track it at that moment.

This makes things such as extensive paperwork extremely problematic. I tried to focus. I did. I tried to make sense of everything they were asking. I think I did a good job. But when you combine the Appalachian Trail hike that it took to get to the seat I was in to fill out the paperwork with the paperwork itself, well, I’m not entirely sure even now that they got an accurate portrayal of my situation on paper. Hell, I’m not 100 percent sure what I wrote was even in English.

By the time I was writing my name and the date and my birthday on the top of the 15th piece of paper, I was, frankly, pissed off. “You want to know my goddamn birthday? LOOK AT THE LAST SHEET OF PAPER! OR THE ONE BEFORE THAT! STOP ASKING ME SO MANY MOTHER-FLIPPIN’ QUESTIONS!”

So here’s a tip: Send the paperwork out beforehand. There were two weeks in between when I made the appointment and the actual appointment. In that time, I could have done the paperwork in segments, or I could have had my wife help me. It’s a simple solution that shows “Hey, I feel ya’.”

Absent that, have a nurse do the reading and the writing in conjunction with the patient. This is nowhere close to as good of a solution as the previous paragraph, but it would have been better than sticking me there with a clipboard, a pen and a ream of paper. If your goal is to have a somewhat functioning patient by the time the doctor walks into the room, this would help.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

So in Conclusion…

I am extremely grateful that a Longhauler clinic exists in St. Louis. I am also extremely grateful to be part of the process to help the medical community figure out exactly what the hell is going on with Longhaulers. Yes, I hope that what they find helps me, but if it helps someone, then my time is worth it.

Everyone’s learning. I’m learning how to get through a day most effectively. The medical community is learning about a hard-to-decipher virus. I have a tremendous amount of grace for everyone involved in this entire process.

That being said, the medical community needs to keep its head up and focused on the patients as suffering human beings. Right now, when so many of us are feeling so unseen and so unheard in so many ways, a few simple adjustments would make a huge difference in our days and in our lives.

More From ‘LONGHAULER: A COVID Diary’

The Five Things I Did to Kick Longhaul’s Ass

In 2021, I thought I was going to die. And I was pretty much OK with that. It wasn’t that I was hoping for death or particularly wanted to die. It’s that I saw the trajectory Longhaul COVID had me on, and no matter what I had tried, nothing had provided even a momentary reprieve…

First-Quarter List Review! Successes and Oopses and Covid Improvements

Time is a fascinating concept to me. I’ve written about it before, but it just seems so arbitrary sometimes. It amazes me how we can suck at it so badly that we have to add an entire extra day every four years to keep our system going — and no one really bats an eye.…

List Items Achieved! #51: Pants

By the middle of 2021, I was, in a word, fat. Not the cool kind of fat, as in phat, but just plain-old fat. In the middle of my battle with Longhaul Covid and following a course of Hail-Mary high-dose steroids to fix a Longhauler mouth issue that remains to this day, I punished my…

Happy Covidaversary To Me — Nov. 15, 2021

🧩 Today’s Puzzle Pieces 🧩A Year of Hell 😷Where’s Ben? 💔Profiting From Pollution 🏭 Happy Covidaversary to me. On this day one year ago, I had a Q-tip shoved up my nose to confirm what I already knew. Wifey Poo’s sister had been diagnosed with it. Wifey Poo’s mother had been diagnosed with it. Wifey…

Inside the Fight to Be Positive About All This

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Lindsey is perhaps the most positive person I’e ever met. I worked with her for about six or seven years last decade, and I watched as she smiled her way into a management position. Every single thing was met with an overly enthusiastic smile, and…

Ozone and Ultraviolet Rays? What the Hell?

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. There are times in a person’s life in which he finds himself wondering how he got where he is. I remember feeling that way as I sat in my dorm room before freshman year started at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa, more than 1,000…

To Those Who Refuse to Be Vaccinated, Jump Off a Bridge

Hi, my name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I finally have had enough. I have sat in my workspace and listened to a coworker talk incessantly about why she wouldn’t be vaccinated against COVID despite being in the demographic of people who die most frequently from it. It was always the same twisted…

Why You Shouldn’t Say ‘This Too Shall Pass’

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. To tell someone suffering from a chronic illness such as Longhaul COVID that “This too shall pass” is to invite a punch to the throat. The origins of this phrase are sketchy. Those of the Christian persuasion often like to trot it out in an…

A Look Inside the Uncertainty of a Longhauler’s Fight

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Saturday was a really, really good day that capped off a really, really good week. Ever since I changed my diet after visiting a functional medicine doctor, I had been feeling so much better than I have since November, when the COVID Fairy visited our…

Longhaulers Are Killing Themselves; Here’s Why — And What You Can Do To Help

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. When the coronavirus epidemic shut down the country in March 2020, Kent Taylor refused to accept his base salary as chief executive officer of Texas Roadhouse restaurants and instead poured that money back into his frontline restaurant workers to help them stay financially afloat. A…

From Mike Tyson to Choo-Choos, a Lesson in Brain Training

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It was a quarter ’til why-do-they-start-school-so-early on a Monday morning, and I was about to kick Mike Tyson’s ass. Of course, if history was any indication, what really was about to happen was the separation of my head from my shoulders. That’s what had happened…

Redefining the Talk About What’s In Our Heads

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I have never and likely will never meet Jeremy Devine. Nor will most of you. Yet that doesn’t stop me from thinking it wouldn’t be an entirely bad thing were he to stumble into a honey-laden pit and become the object of intense interest for…

COVID Teaches Me I’m … Good at Math?

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. There are several truths in my family, among them: When my wife says we’re leaving someplace in 10 minutes, go ahead and get comfortable because she means an hour. At least. My youngest son is biologically unable to close the front door without force he…

Why You Might Want to Give Functional Medicine a Shot

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It’s an odd thing to one minute be talking about your childhood and the next be telling the same person how many bowel movements you have in the average day. Of course, the field of functional medicine — and its practitioners — are, by many,…

Getting Back to ‘The Stack’

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I read a book this weekend. Well, more accurately, I read 12 pages of a book. This is neither a monumental accomplishment in the history of the world, nor a monumental accomplishment in the history of me. It is monumental for Me-Right-Now. Prior to becoming…

Into This Crazy Life, We Bring an African Child

Dieudonne became a part of our household amidst chaos, grief and weariness. Objectively speaking, it wasn’t a good time for us to welcome a 4-year-old with medical issues who didn’t speak a word of English. Of course, waiting for a “good time” to tackle that challenge is much like saying, “We’ll have kids when we’re…

(My) Top 10 Ways to Cope With Longhaul COVID

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I’m quite convinced that most adults have at least one of “those stories.” You know what I’m talking about… the stories that gets rehashed ad nauseum every time the family gathers, no matter how old you are. Of course, never do these stories showcase your…

When Your World Withers Away

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Looking back, it’s clear when this little trend started. It was back in January, which, not surprisingly, is when it first hit me that no one knew what the fuck they were talking about with my Longhaul symptoms. It’s also when my father-in-law died. And…

The Bizzaro World of Magic Mouthwash

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Over in another part of this site, you can meet my California relative, Q.F. Conseco. His branch of the family tree is by far the most interesting to sprout in at least the past 500 years — and as the family genealogist, I should know.…

Here’s What Real Longhaulers Are Saying; Are You Listening?

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Many people honestly struggle to see the world through anything other than their own filters. People believe the world is a certain way because their world is a certain way. If you want Reason No. 1 for why things suck, there ya have it. The…

The Prednisone Experiment and the Scientific Method

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It is a fact that I would be a 46-year-old high school junior if not for Amanda Bortz. To put it mildly, me and chemistry did not get along, a byproduct of my inability to grasp math once letters said, “We’d like to play, too!”…

A One-Word Definition for COVID: Isolation

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Come with me on a journey through time… Way back in the early days of the plague, back when the number of people in the country who had it was in the hundreds and the number of people who had died from it was in…

And Now, An Epic Longhauler Rant

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. And I’m about to lose my shit. Here’s the truth: I am about to break. And the scary thing is, I can feel it. The tiny fissures are becoming spiderweb cracks in my foundation — my brain, my heart, my lungs. Of course, there’s the…

How Does This Ride End?

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. My son talks a big game. The entire two-hour drive from our then-home in extremely rural Missouri to Six Flags near St. Louis, Joey bravely stated how much he was looking forward to going on American Thunder. From the back seat of my sensible sedan,…

The War Against Insomnia — And Longhaul COVID

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. So let’s put this all out there. All of us. Collectively. As Longhaulers. Let’s just list it all. Everything. All the symptoms. Oh, I’ve seen this list: And then I’ve read of about a dozen or two or ten more from fellow Longhaulers. I’ll add…

Six Little Pills Offer One Last Shot

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Six tiny white pills are piled here on the desk next to me this morning, and I’m going to take them. These pills and their brethren in the safety-capped orange bottle next to them represent what very well might be my last hope to fix…

Hunting Gnome-Took-A-Dump-In-Your-Mouth-itis

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. It was jarring to be back in a doctor’s office waiting room today, to hand over my insurance card and driver’s license to be copied, to fill out the paperwork answering questions that were just going to be asked again by a nurse and then…

The Difference Between Good? and Good.

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. This morning on my 41-minute drive to work, I was a different person. Two people, actually. Bad versions of those two people, to be exact. The year was 1992, and something big was happening for 18-year-old me. High school had just become part of my…

Dr. House Isn’t Walking Through That Door

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I was late to the game for the TV show “House,” but I caught up quickly. I love the concept of the flawed hero, and Dr. Gregory House is definitely one of those. Absolutely brilliant, he is recognized and grudgingly accepted as The Man when…

Sometimes You Just Have to Sing

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. Driving down a rain-soaked highway, the morning sun cutting through angry black clouds at a severe angle. Cars flying past me on the left, doing far more than the 7 mph over the speed limit I do because I have one of those insurance company…

COVID Might Have Saved My Life

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. So before we begin, let me set the scene a bit by saying this: Toxic optimism is annoying. Christian toxic optimism is even worse. I have suffered for extended periods of time under more than a few clouds without a lining of any remotely precious…

If You’ve Got a ‘Best,’ You’re a Lucky Longhauler

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. “Your insurance doesn’t cover it, so it’ll be $90 if you want it,” said the kind young woman who would be present as a tooth was ripped from my jaw for the first time since I was a tween, back before “tween” was even a…

When Are You Just … Done?

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I sat in my car as the late-morning sun warmed the interior, the only sound the soft purr of my Nissan Versa’s unimpressive engine. And I thought: “I think that’s it. I think I’m just … done.” I had spent the past 45 minutes inside…

Please Don’t Shrug Your Shoulders; Just Drill My Tooth

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I have never wanted so badly to have a cavity. Or an impacted wisdom tooth (whatever that is). Or need a root canal. No sane person ever wants these things. Longhaul COVID has a way of chipping away at a person’s sanity. As I recently…

I Hate My Tongue

HI. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. The most powerful force on the planet has nothing to do with gravity, the ever-changing magnetic poles, love or faith in a deity. Not even close. Rather, the most powerful force on the planet is your tongue’s need to probe any place in your mouth…

What ‘Longhaul-COVID-Tired’ is really like

Hi. My name is John, and I have Longhaul COVID. It’s 4:15 p.m., and I shouldn’t be writing this. I should be resting. My body is screaming at me to rest. But right now? Screw you, body. I’m writing this. One of my Longhaul COVID symptoms is insomnia, so I was awake this morning at…

The Really Nice Woman Who Tried to Kill Me

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I am blessed to have a really good feel for people. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I just know someone’s nature instinctively. Rarely … very rarely … am I ever off in my initial impression of someone. I don’t even have…

Beastie Boy Lyrics? Yup. Did I pee? Hmm

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I grew up in the suburbs of New York City, a white middle class kid in a mostly white school district. And I loved the emerging 1980s East Coast rap scene. Run DMC? Yes please. Beastie Boys? Uh, yes! In this, I was not unlike…

Why exactly am I getting this vaccine?

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. I hate you, CNN. I hate you for many reasons, of course. You pioneered the 24-hour news cycle, which is what kicked off the degradation of journalism because, with all those hours to fill, you turned to people who could squawk the loudest for the…

What should my expectations be of doctors?

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. So this afternoon I go to see an actual doctor at an actual doctor’s office. He will look into my actual eyes, the ones that once were a sparkling and dazzling green (if I do say so meownself) but now are shadowed by dark circles…

The Invasion of the Mouth Sores

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a COVID Longhauler. My earliest symptom of COVID was this horrible, disgusting, metallic taste in my mouth. Before the exhaustion, before the brain fog, before the positive test, there was this invasion that made me feel like I had some sort of liquid, nasty, blech squishing from my…

Explaining Exhaustion

Hi. My name is John, and I’m a Longhauler. “So there it is. It’s right there on the end table. It’s, like, two feet away from your hand. You know you want it. You know you need it. Just reach out and grab it.” The “it” is a water bottle. And it is mocking me.…

The COVID Diaries

“It’s inevitable, and it’s not going to be good.” There was a certain moment in October when I remember feeling in my soul that I would get COVID. While I was being safe, wearing a mask, yada yada yada, there were loved ones around me who, since the start of the pandemic, played things anywhere…

John Agliata

2 responses to “Top 3 Tips for Running a Longhauler Clinic”

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: